Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cult logic, Apr 19, 2009.

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  1. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I don't even know why I'm posting this.

    Or what it is that is making me feel so guilty.

    I've been cutting so much that I'm running out of places to cut where people won't see. I can't have anyone know, but I don't want to stop.

    But on to the good news.

    My mom and sister are out for the day and I've been able to find my medication.

    She hides it from me, but I've found it!

    I'm really thinking of whether I should do it or not.

    Last time it didn't work, but last time I didn't have as much and my mom got home and kept me awake.

    I know she won't be home for hours tonight, but can an OD work that fast?

    I don't want to do it and survive, it HAS to work. I don't know...

    Love how it puts that icon when I didn't select it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2009
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    My vote: Don't do it. (please)

    What's making you feel this way tonight?
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you don't do it!! What's going on that has you at this point?
  4. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Nothing. Everything.

    Feeling guilty over stupid things.

    I've wanted to do this all week.

    I just have a chance now.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please keep talking to us!! Why do you feel guilty?
  6. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    Believe me, OD is not the way to go with anything short of... well, the rules won't permit me to say, but it's most certainly not in your med bottle.

    Although I'd promote stopping the cutting - or at least cutting back on it (no pun intended) - you can cut over an old cut if you really feel you need it to maintain sanity. If you wish, I'd engage you about that in the Self-Harm forum.
  7. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well it's the best chance I've got.

    If I cut my wrists I'll probably just make a mess and end up in the hospital.

    So at least with an OD there is a good chance that no one will think anything is wrong until it's too late.

    What do I feel guilty over? I'm not really sure.

    It doesn't really matter. I feel the way I feel, and right now I want to feel death.

    I can't think of a reason not too.

    I've lived long enough.
  8. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Alright, I'm done.

  9. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    NO!!! Please, stay with us. We are ready to listen and help.
    You don't have to do this, you don't want to, we don't want you to.
    DAMN I would IM you if I had aim...don't go! I am here. Tell us what's wrong.
  10. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Fuck. I gotta stop doing this.

    I feel like absolute shit now.
  11. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I wish you wouldn't go.
    You are a great help here, and have been supportive to me as well.
    Don't focus on the guilt, focus on the good you've done and the people you've touched and helped. Remember that we're all in this together and do whatever you need to do to distract yourself or keep yourself alive, no matter what it is.
    love, Spencer :heart:
  12. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    It doesn't matter anyway.

    Seems I'm invincible to dying.

    Though not to feeling horrible after every time I do something. I'm gonna go lay down.
  13. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Guilt is only temporary, it goes away and it also is something than can be fixed easily.

    In any case I really hope you don't do it.
  14. Numpty

    Numpty Member

    "Seems I'm invincible to dying"

    Well then what is the issue? Just try and be positive and smile your way though another bright and happy day.

  15. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Invincible in the way that the OD's aren't working no matter how much I want them to.

    And I don't really understand the point of putting on a fake smile in an attempt for empty happiness.

    Anyway I've got a new(better?) that I believe is more likely to work.

    If it does, I can finally be truely happy and get the rest I feel I deserve.
  16. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well first of all I am really sorry to read what you are going thru.

    You have helped me out too, and I can't just let you go without adding in my 2 cents. :dry:

    Anyway....from what I can take out of your posts on this thread is that your mind is very confused and very, extremely ill. You are engaging upon an act of self destruction, cutting, the pills etc, not based on a logical sane way of thought, but rather on the illness affecting your mind.

    Don't let the illness win. Fight! Do it for the girl you may one day fall in love with. Do if for all of those who care about you. But just FIGHT ON. Live! Live to fight another day! You can and you must!

    The actions you are taking, are being done, because you are sick.

    Don;t let the illness win.

    If you are still with us, and are able to read this post, as soon as you are done reading it, CALL 911!!!!!!! You can, and YOU WILL GET BETTER!!!!!!
  17. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey....i hope you're ok

    i'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through - it is making it difficult for you to see or think, clearly.
    you did the right thing, by reaching out - and it shows me that there is still that part of you inside, that wants to live.

    please keep holding on to us - so many here care about you - and you support us. so let us also, support you.
    pm if you want to talk xx :hug:
  18. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I really wouldn't consider myself ill, I am keeping a very level head about this this time.

    The date is set for the near future. It feels like something that has to be done, and is going to eventually happen anyway.

    I'm really quite fine, and thinking rather rationally.

    Not something to worry about.
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You may believe you're thinking rationally. But your posts say otherwise.

    You need help, and you deserve help. You need to fight to get better. I truly think you can do it. You're obviously strong-willed; I can see that just by the things you've posted. Instead of focusing on destroying yourself, try focusing on beating this illness. Don't let it beat you.
  20. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I don't really understand how you think I'm not thinking rationally?

    I mean, I am getting help. I go to therapy every week and take medication.

    I have(as you can tell by reading this thread) attempted suicide before and know what I'm getting into.

    I just don't see a future worth living for myself. I've already screwed my life up beyond repair and I'm not even 18. I screw myself over at every given opportunity, no matter how hard I try not to.

    Best case scenario I become my father, and that is not something I would put any woman or children through.

    I'm inheriting every bad trait and mental illness that made him the way he is.

    Suicide just makes sense for me. I'd get rid of my current pain, and stop future pain for myself and the people around me.
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