enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by phoebe3, Sep 11, 2009.

  1. phoebe3

    phoebe3 New Member

    I feel sick just now, my mind is consumed with how happy I was this weekend and how low I feel today. I met someone that i haven't seen in a while and spent the day with him and now I know that I have made yet another mess of things and I just can’t seem to find any hope out there.

    I am 35, single, have no friends and no social life, how am I ever going to meet someone to love me?
    I was so, so, so happy – I can’t believe just how good one person can make me feel and how empty I can feel 4 days later. It’s absolutely pathetic.

    I can’t keep living this same shitty life day after day after day in a job that I don’t feel secure in, in a town where I know nobody and in a life where I am unloved and unable to find some one to love

    I don’t know where the feelings for him came from but I was so excited about meeting him again, he really was all I could think of that whole weekend - I know that is wrong but I was happy for a whole day.

    He has someone that he loves deeply and I was a fool to even think that he would consider spending more time with me, even though she lives on the opposite side of the world to him I could never ever compete.
    I want to make contact and tell him that he made me feel special and that it was possibly the happiest I have been in years but that would make me sound like a total freak and scare him half to death. I have planned out every text, email, facebook post I can think of but I know in my heart of hearts that there is no point sending them to him as he really is not that interested.
    It felt so natural to kiss him and hold him, and waking up to him holding me was the best feeling ever. I feel lonelier now that I have ever done in my entire life.

    I can really only see one way out of my life and I know that this will come soon,
    When I am low I think constantly about how I am going to kill myself but care too much about my parents to do it, however the day is going to come soon when the scales tip to the side of the depression and I will be brave enough to end my life.

    What is the point?

    This didn’t start out to sound like a suicide note but the more I type the more I realise that this is what it has become. I feel calm and almost resigned to what I know I have to do. It may not be today but I know that it will be soon,

    I love my family but that’s not enough for me to continue in this life for. There is no point living for tomorrow when your tomorrows are empty.
     
  2. phoebe3

    phoebe3 New Member

    I have tried to put things out of my mind by keeping busy but nothing seems to help

    I have spent time with family and that made no difference, cleaned the house and walked and yet i still feel so empty

    I am sure that the day is getting closer. I am happy for a few minutes then the black hole comes and swallows up that feeling and all I feel is sick to the bottom of my stomach and complete worthlessness.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You said that the guy you spent time with has someone on the other side of the world, but that he was holding you when you woke up. Are you sure what he has with the other girl is serious?

    Have you talked to him about maybe staying in touch, at least being friends? It's possible that you guys could spend time together, and maybe something would develop.
     
  4. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    :'(

    Someone, whom i once loved, came back into my life recently. She has made my highs so much higher, and at the same time my lows so much lower. I was in constant depression, hate for myself, hate of everyone around me, and a general dislike for life.

    When she's around i feel alive, rejuvinated, like my life might have a purpose. When she's not around, and she says certain things (like her new date/boyfriend)...well i hit the lowest lows i've ever felt. Iv just started medication (doc says it should have kicked in by now), and even with that i can still hit very deep depression.

    When you say, you just want someone to love, just want someone to live for, someone to give meaning to your life, i know what you mean. She was that for me. Our social status is about the same, and i actually have only one goal in life and it seems to be the same as yours.

    I know it's not easy, especially when you think the only people who love you or care is your family. But you shouldn't give up. At least i haven't...yet.

    Friendship can lead to something more and even love, it can also hurt quite a bit too (being that she and i are friends, and it kills me when she goes on dates with others, or expresses a clear interest in another guy).