I feel sick just now, my mind is consumed with how happy I was this weekend and how low I feel today. I met someone that i haven't seen in a while and spent the day with him and now I know that I have made yet another mess of things and I just can’t seem to find any hope out there. I am 35, single, have no friends and no social life, how am I ever going to meet someone to love me? I was so, so, so happy – I can’t believe just how good one person can make me feel and how empty I can feel 4 days later. It’s absolutely pathetic. I can’t keep living this same shitty life day after day after day in a job that I don’t feel secure in, in a town where I know nobody and in a life where I am unloved and unable to find some one to love I don’t know where the feelings for him came from but I was so excited about meeting him again, he really was all I could think of that whole weekend - I know that is wrong but I was happy for a whole day. He has someone that he loves deeply and I was a fool to even think that he would consider spending more time with me, even though she lives on the opposite side of the world to him I could never ever compete. I want to make contact and tell him that he made me feel special and that it was possibly the happiest I have been in years but that would make me sound like a total freak and scare him half to death. I have planned out every text, email, facebook post I can think of but I know in my heart of hearts that there is no point sending them to him as he really is not that interested. It felt so natural to kiss him and hold him, and waking up to him holding me was the best feeling ever. I feel lonelier now that I have ever done in my entire life. I can really only see one way out of my life and I know that this will come soon, When I am low I think constantly about how I am going to kill myself but care too much about my parents to do it, however the day is going to come soon when the scales tip to the side of the depression and I will be brave enough to end my life. What is the point? This didn’t start out to sound like a suicide note but the more I type the more I realise that this is what it has become. I feel calm and almost resigned to what I know I have to do. It may not be today but I know that it will be soon, I love my family but that’s not enough for me to continue in this life for. There is no point living for tomorrow when your tomorrows are empty.