Enough

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 5, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So last night i psych myself up to make the call to crisis team. I have the wrong numbers. I finally got diaz at 8pm but by 1 i was still buzzing and struggling to cope. With the recurrent thoughts going through my head i ended up giving in. I pulled the end off the canula. I knew it would bleed out. I sort of expected just to go to sleep and not wake up. I passed out after a bit but think it bunged up by clotting after a while. This morning i was woken to being shaken by the nurses and them running around me. My bp was low. They just basically pulled me out of bed into the chair and told me to go get showered being covered in blood. No questions were asked and it's not been mentioned since. I'm really struggling with the thoughts. I was moved wards this morning at about 1am as was told would be better for me. It's not. There's even less staff and i have no one to talk to. They are going to make referral to psych medicine but now i'm past the point of talking and just want to do what i'm thinking about. They've taken the canula out as think they suspect i did it on purpose. To top it all off i'm really ill today. I'm worse than i've been so far and so now i'm worried that they wont let me go tomorrow. I've got nothing to self harm with and they've taken my method that i did use. So disappointed it didn't work as that would have been a nice quiet go to sleep painless way that could look like an accident.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you get to see psych consult soon hun you need to talk okay to someone hugs
     
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I know. They've put the referral through but don't think they'll see me as it's not technically an admission as of new self harm or attempt. I am not sure what to say if he does come see me. As i've just been writing that the nurse has said they are coming tomorrow. So. What do i say? They're not coming to assess me. It's me who has asked to speak to them. Kind of regret asking now. I don't like the nurse who is on tonight. There's something about her that makes me un easy. Feeling the same as i did last night i think because it failed and that it was a nice easy pain free accident. But then i don't want them knowing it was an attempt. More reason to put me in hospital. Which as we can already see being here even on medical ward makes it worse. Grr.
     
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I know. They've put the referral through but don't think they'll see me as it's not technically an admission as of new self harm or attempt. I am not sure what to say if he does come see me. As i've just been writing that the nurse has said they are coming tomorrow. So. What do i say? They're not coming to assess me. It's me who has asked to speak to them. Kind of regret asking now. I don't like the nurse who is on tonight. There's something about her that makes me un easy. Feeling the same as i did last night i think because it failed and that it was a nice easy pain free accident. But then i don't want them knowing it was an attempt. More reason to put me in hospital. Which as we can already see being here even on medical ward makes it worse. Grr.
     
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Just hoping the diaz kicks in soon. I'm really getting to the stage where i've had enough. Being here is like being treated as a child. I went off ward for a bit and they said i was gone too long. They then made this really loud speech to each other how no one is allowed off the ward now as it's too late. If it was a psych ward i could understand as it's when people are more likely to do stuff. But it's an adult medical ward. Were adults. But were being treated as children. Surly it is our decision to leave the ward when we want. And if we do we take responsibility for ourselves. Sorry i know i'm ranting. I'd usually take opportunities when i'm like this to do my blog but i'm can't from my phone. I really don't like it here. I'm also freaking about what i'm going to say to psych tomorrow. I hope it's nurseman. Not that he's the most empathethetic person and he's usually quite firm with me but he's to the point. I can't quite trust him enough to bare all to him as feels like when speak to them they are just making an assessment to see if i need to admitted. Maybe i should tell him that and see how he responds. But i can tell him some of my fears and he does help rationalise them. And i don't want to be turning to new people for support each time i need it. I think that's why i'm so reluctant to involve crisis team. No one explained to me how they work and what they can do. If perhaps i had some support system in place of people i knew it would be ok. Who knows. Diaz will kick in soon so going to watch tv for bit. I think the first thing i do when i get home tomorrow will be to blog to get it all written down. This is torture though!
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I wish there was something more i could say or do other than I am sending you caring thoughts in the hope you will find a way to treat yourself more like u deserve...you are bright and insightful...sometimes, for me, these traits are both a gift and a curse as I misdirect them...please know I am thinking about you..big hugs, J
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Fuck fuck fuck. They're keeping me in. I have to see some tissue team. They may decide to operate and cut out part. But i don't know. I've not been told anything. I don't know how long i'm going to be here. I'm just freaking out now. Tonight will be my 4th night. I'm freaking out and the urges to harm are just getting more and more intense. Hope the psych people come soon. I've had some diaz this morning but i don't think it works anymore. I'm just not having a good time of it. At least my mum should bring in my lap top so i can write at least. Distraction.
     
  8. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    They are bang out of order. It is an adult medical ward. They have no right to prevent you from leaving, nor to lecture you about howlong you were gone. If you wake at 2 in the morning, and want to go for a smoke, that's your right. They cannot stop you no matter how much they might think they can. When I was on nights, I would offer to take patients out for a ciggie so I could sneak one with them. I'm sorry you are having to take this. But they are out of order sweetie. :hug:

    I'm just hoping you get seen very soon.
     
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Fuck fuck fuck. They're keeping me in. I have to see some tissue team. They may decide to operate and cut out part. But i don't know. I've not been told anything. I don't know how long i'm going to be here. I'm just freaking out now. Tonight will be my 4th night. I'm freaking out and the urges to harm are just getting more and more intense. Hope the psych people come soon. I've had some diaz this morning but i don't think it works anymore. I'm just not having a good time of it. At least my mum should bring in my lap top so i can write at least. Distraction.
     
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm using this thread just to vent about being here and what's going off. So they put a canula back in. First thought...great i can blood let. It's a really painful one but i'm putting up with it just so i can go out later and let. The food here is awful. Really disgusting. I think it's prepared off site and delivered from a factory about 50miles away. The mental health parts is. It's so horrible. But i can't live off shop sandwhichs. One i can't afford it and 2 i need veg and minerals. I feel horrible when not had my veg. So i end up trying to force it down. I'm getting my lap top later so i'll be able to do some writing. Wont be able to upload it to blog as no internet but i can save it and i can also watch dvds. Woo how exciting! Yup. I'm fed up, wanting to sh, ill and on a bit of a downer with my mood. You can probably tell how interesting my blog is going to be.
     
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