I really don't know where to post this, if this is the right place or not but I guess someone will move it if it is in the wrong place. I don't really care about posts either, I just need to get this out 'cause it's all I can think about right now. Last night I couldn't sleep and I was trying to remember how I found SF. I kind of started thinking about all these other things and then I remembered, I didn't used to be like this. All my life, my supposed friends have put me down. They've always pointed out some flaw (mostly on my face) and I would get really obsessive, seeing everything they said even though most of the time, it wasn't even there. I would sit in front of the mirror for hours at a time, trying to hide everything my friends said was wrong. This started in about the 5th grade so I was about 9/10. Before that, I loved being me. I really did. I liked being the center of attention and I really liked being around lots of people. But as I started to see that my friends were right, I stopped talking and I would just sit and doodle or write. I've always felt, since then, that I was never worth much, I don't deserve anything that I have and I've always felt that my depression was like a cancer. It kept spreading until I hated myself thoroughly. When I was in the seventh grade, my cousin moved in with us and that made my life even worse. I was called a liar by my parents after I told them she was stealing from me. That did a number on my self-esteem too. For a while I believed them too even though I knew she was stealing from me. After a while I fought back. I lived through about 4/5 years of that and I had had enough. My parents finally realized that I wasn't lying and kicked her out but it was too late. I'd already started cutting and I was kind of seeing an older guy. I was 15, he was 22 going on 23. God, he was the reason I started cutting and he was the reason I stopped too. He made me an even bigger emotional wreck. Days would go by that I didn't sleep or eat because I was worried about what he'd think if I "broke up with him." We weren't really dating because he never wanted to go anywhere with me and my parents were against me being with him. I'm kind of glad that they found out I was still talking to him because looking back on that now, I see that he wasn't good for me at all. He was smart, he told me to call him everyday so that if we got caught, he could pin the blame on me and I was stupid enough to fall for that. My cousins keep telling me that he slept around with a lot of them while we were supposedly dating and I always broke down when I heard that. He put me through so much emotional pain and I didn't even realize it at the time. I thought he really loved me. I remember one time we were talking on the phone and he was telling me about one of his friends. He said she was a model and that she was really beautiful and everything and then he said that she really liked him. A lot. So he said we should "take a break." I cried for days. He told me to keep calling him and I did but he was never home and never picked up the phone. God, I still feel like shit talking about this and I feel like I'm going to throw up. How could I have been so stupid? Just writing this out makes me sound like a stupid little girl. He did end up picking up the phone about a week later and he said that that girl was nothing but a slut and wanted to "get back together." I almost said no but then I said yes because I really thought I loved him. I wish I could go back and just not have talked to him at all. I ruined a lot of relationships with friends and even with one guy who was my age. He'd told me he really liked me and wanted to call me and go out and I told him no even though I really really liked him too. He was the only other guy that ever truly liked me even though I was fucked up. He still comes around sometimes, but he moved on and his a gf now. It's funny though, 'cause she kind of looks like me. I had a couple revelations last night though. My friends pointed out flaws that I can't fix. I can't change my height. I'm always going to be on the shorter side (I'm 5'1" by the way) and I can't change the shape of my body. I'm sorry I have hips and that my legs aren't like twigs. No matter how hard I try to change that, it never will because. . . it just is. I wish I never would have listened to them 'cause looking at myself now, I don't think I'm bad looking. At all. This might sound a little self centered, but I am kind of beautiful. I'm glad I finally see it that way too :smile:. Sorry this is so long, as I said above though, I really needed to get this out. It was burning a whole through my mind.
