I haven't posted on here in awhile, but I still got the second job going. it's tough trying to maintain composure and I'm so damned tired all the time. I bought and set-up everything I needed for an instant suicide, but it's funny, it's like it hasn't really tempted me. if anything, it's taken the pressure off. sounds strange? it's like a crutch. just knowing that I can kill myself whenever I want brings me a feeling of...contentment??? sounds strange, I know. anyone else experience this? I still hate my every being and life is just a sick tiresome joke. BUT- I did make a deal with myself that I wouldn't kill myself if I found a second job by Jan to help with my finacial mess. and I did find one, so I guess I shouldn't renege on my "contract". ahhh...sounds silly. just venting. and surviving.