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equipped for suicide...but not ready

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I haven't posted on here in awhile, but I still got the second job going. it's tough trying to maintain composure and I'm so damned tired all the time. I bought and set-up everything I needed for an instant suicide, but it's funny, it's like it hasn't really tempted me. if anything, it's taken the pressure off. sounds strange? it's like a crutch. just knowing that I can kill myself whenever I want brings me a feeling of...contentment??? sounds strange, I know. anyone else experience this?

I still hate my every being and life is just a sick tiresome joke. BUT- I did make a deal with myself that I wouldn't kill myself if I found a second job by Jan to help with my finacial mess. and I did find one, so I guess I shouldn't renege on my "contract". ahhh...sounds silly. just venting. and surviving.


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Yes, I feel the same. well, a sort of. I think because, the people who think about suicide, even if they don't commit it, have a different view of the life. As I said in other posts, we have strong will to live our lives without compromises, not a stomped life nor a maimed one. A full life. If we don't succeed, we see in the act of suicide a sort of exit that we can take anytime, and that is a bit reassuring, isn't it? But this is not an act of weakness, I've read somewhere that who is ready to suicide himself is because he loves life much more that other people, he can't stand an unworthy life. I see it in thin way
Sometimes just having that "safety blanket" there helps, it also shows that there is an element of control in your actions and altho i do not doubt your intentions to go through with anything just that release of pressure on you but getting everything ready " just in case" has appeared to help. Your strength is in deed admirable and to be comended, look back at this and think that if you have that strength, then maybe there is some good

well done
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