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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Theone, Mar 8, 2010.

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  1. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what to write I'm not very good at talking about this "subject" but feel I need/should do.... Ok here goes.... I've dealt with this "problem" for a long time and have got used to it best I can but reacently more and more it's becoming worse... I've spent the last few days completly locked away from everyone (the best I can), I'm living in a shared uni house and people have started to notice I'm not myself but can't talk to them bout it... There is one friend I have who knows I have this "problem" but I don't feel it's fair for me to talk to her bout this because I'm seriously thinking of ending it this week and no one here would understand that.... I don't know what to do I keep trying to talk to organizations like the smaritans but just can not do it.. Just can't... I have had a meeting with a counciler but I'm on waiting list and at this rate it ant going to help... Sorry to ask but does anyone have any advice... I have no problem with ending it this week as il finally be free but can't do it to the people around me?????
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That's why you have found the perfect place to "talk". Here. I'm glad you did. You can talk about all the things you cant face to face in your life. People here are or at some time were battling the same problems and pains you are now. No one is going to judge you or belittle your problems.

    No need to worry if you are wording it right or that you need to put it in any special order. Just type it out as it pops into your head. If you cross any lines the mods or admin will let you know. So please can you try to post a little more information and let see how we can help you?

    Welcome to SF.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey keep talking okay so others who can relate can reach out and give you support lots of people understand here You can post anything no one knows we just want to help you stay strong okay please keep reaching out.
     
  4. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    See im not really sure how to go about this, but well this LATEST "episode" started on Friday night after a night at the student union, after a night out I generally end up walking home on my own, just what I do, but this time half way home I just sat down on a wall and broke down in tears for like 30mins then the "thoughts" started to rear there head again.... seems to get worse and worse, this time I actually stated planning how I would do it exactly, where and decided I needed to do it this week, the problem other than the obvious is this "feeling" eventually not goes away but subsides but if anything is getting worse and worse... I seriously want it to end this week but cant bare to hurt those around me... there must be a way to do it, though I know no one will advice me on how to end it without hurting anyone... ive had these type of "thoughts" for probably around 5 years but the last 4 or so months its been getting progressively worse.... nothing really seems to help... ive been asked would I be open to taking some form of medication but im not willing to do that, don’t want to change in any other way or finally sub come to the final embarrassment as I see it (I know it isn’t and helps many people but just cant do it, I hate talking bout it let alone taking something that proves its there on a daily bases), I only talking about it now as I said I don’t want to hurt people and it affecting other things like no matter how much I sleep even 2-10hours I still look and feel tiered, waking up constantly and tossing and turning all night..... Not sure if that better explains anything but there it is....
     
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Have you been to a doctor? If not, is that something you would consider?
     
  6. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    i have and they referred me to a psychiatric nurse, then had a preliminary meeting, then got put on a waiting list and now im still waiting for what feels like forever.....
     
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Ok, well done for doing that. I would suggest chasing that up, so maybe go back to your GP and explain how things have been for you and see if that can do that.

    Also, it might be worth looking into the uni Student Support Services because they can be a lot of help too.

    In the meantime though, we are here and ready to 'listen'. :)
     
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    There is never ever going to be a way or method that will not hurt those we leave behind. No matter how carefully planned or how many letters are written, you cannot control what others are going to feel. Sorry

    I really appreciate you writing your post as well as you did. I know it's hard because all of a sudden so many things want to be written on that page or the opposite you cant seem to find exactly what you mean to say. But you did a great job.

    There a still a lot of options besides meds or suicide available for you!!!

    I know you found it difficult to write that out and probably find it difficult to talk to others about the episodes too. How about considering a support group? Yes people there but a) you say as little or as much as you feel comfortable with b) every person in that room has or is battling similar pain and problems. So you dont have to feel like the odd person out. It is actually quite a relief to be there and know you arent the only one feeling and thinking like that. And they can offer you resources that you would never find on your own.

    Have you tried a suicide or crisis line? Same thing, people that understand and can help you find ways to deal with and move ahead of the thoughts.

    Generally I believe only pdocs or gp's can prescribe meds. So maybe try finding a therapist or counsellor or mental health worker to talk to. Then no worries of scripts being written and thrown at you as the only solution.

    Talk to your gp because there are a lot of herbal "medicines" that can help you to. But you should check with him or her first to make sure there are no complications for you.

    If you are worried about how the drugs affect you, please dont use horror stories that you may of heard from others to base that worry on. At first I was dead set against any meds. I heard things like "you become nothing more than a zombie" "you arent you anymore" "you're life revolves around those meds". Well to be honest my depression was doing those things and I didnt even realize it. When I did I thought why not try some meds. Cant be any worse. And they have helped with some things. No one med can cure it all but it can help you control some of the things that you are facing.

    The one certain thing is to talk. Be it to a professional or a friend or someone here. But you cant try and battle the thoughts and urges alone. It will eat you up hun. Seriously, didnt you feel even the teenist bit better writing out what you did? Just something from your post makes me think you are like so many of us here. You were a "happy" mask around your friends and family. You dont let your guard down when it comes to the dark thoughts and feelings around anyone. But that mask is getting harder and harder to put on everyday. It is starting to get painful to wear it. It's starting to chip and look worn out. So please keep posting here. Lets see what ways we can help you throught this dark stuff and start moving forward :arms:
     
  9. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    I wanted to thank everyone for what they have written and for trying to help in the best way they can, especially you itmahanh thanks... after reading your guys comments this afternoon I have made an appointment with me GP again in the morning to see if they can do anything to help even (aside from referring me to the counseling service) though not sure if this the right course of action.

    Talking about this on this site has helped a little little bit, im just... terrible.. At doing at it so thanks for those who have listed

    Was wondering though I thought that I could properly, potentially, maybe try the support group idea but does anyone knows how you go about this? I cant do the "crisis line" ive tried but just cant... don’t like talking to people on the phone about day to day stuff let alone "this"
     
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    When you get to your doc ask him/her the numbers to the local mental health services in your area and or if he/she has numbers handy for a support group.

    I'm so proud of the courage you have mustered up in just this short little time!!!!! Gives me a bright out look for you hun. And when you find yourself struggling or needing a little extra support you always have here. Keep us posted on how the appointment goes ok? :arms:
     
  11. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    Why not just talk to her about it, she might even get to love you.
     
  12. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    Hi there I wasn’t going to write again but I thought I would because everyone here seems to suggest this is the best idea (talking it out) and so far everyone has been really helpful... anyway im writing because yesterday I said I was going to my GP to see if I could get any help because of my recent "episode" but this morning I just couldn’t do it.. Cant explain why just couldn’t bring myself to go.. Anyway was wondering if anyone knew of how to find support groups anywhere around where I live ect without forcing myself to go to the GP? Sorry if its pathetic of me not being able to go to the GP I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just cant at the moment... but I figured I might not be judged here...
     
  13. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi Theone, I can completely understand how your feeling, I'm in uni students halls at the mo and am trying so hard to make sure no one sees how I'm really feeling, its never easy though. Weldone for coming on here to talk, it takes alot of courage x I also know what you mean about talking over the phone, I have never been able to contact the samaritans or the local crisis team but I managed it on monday night - things got pretty hard and it took around 6 attempts to wait for them to answer the phone, but I did finally wait and they were actually really helpful. Maybe you could try to give it ago before you decide to act on any of your thoughts? Those around you I'm sure would want to help you and would hate to think that you are suffering so much on your own. How did it go at the GP's today? I hope they were helpful and listened well to you.
    As for the group therapy, after I first got unwell I was put on a DBT course (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) we had one group meeting once a week and one one-to-one meeting once a week, maybe there is something like this available near you?
    Hope your ok and the appointment was helpful and went well today x If you ever want to talk, just give me a shout. You can vent about anything :smile: uni, how you feel, friends, health service anything x
     
  14. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Sorry was writing msg as you posted a new one. You made a great first step by making the drs app, getting yourself there is one of the harder parts but your closer to it x I'm not sure about local groups - are u in the UK? is there a counselling service at your uni? If there is there may be so information posted by their services that you could have a quick look at without having to talk to them x
     
  15. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    Thanks pebble for your message, its comforting to hear that someone else kinda understands how hard it is to hide it from those around you especially when u living as close to so many people 24/7 as in uni accommodation.... ya I go to uni in the uk in the Staffordshire area, I don’t know if there is a counseling service at the uni ive never thought about it... I might also try the Samaritans again as if you like me hated it and finally got over it maybe I can.... thank you
     
  16. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I dont know about all uni's but we have one here, I'm in Devon. I'm not saying that they'l be the best help but maybe the best first step :smile: what course are you studying? Yeah its quite hard having to be what everyone wants you to be wherever you go, I have to be one person at uni infront of everyone else, then another person at home infront of my parents and then seem to just fall apart when I'm on my own. I've never spoken to the samaritans but because I couldn't do that, I sent them an email - only problem with this is that they can take up to 12 hours to reply to your email but they were helpful. When I finally phoned the crisis team local to me, I found that after a while on the phone they were really helpful and it did actually help to talk. If you are ever worried and can not ring the samaritans but know that you need help, you can always give your local gp out of hours service a ring, only problem with that is they tend to ask alot more personal questions I think x
     
  17. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    er im studying international relations what about you? its weird thats exactly how i feel about acting around people such as being a different person around friends/family then on your own... i might actually try the email idea.. whats the idea? is it that you email them how you feeling and such as i have been doing on here???
     
  18. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Yeah pretty much I think, just kinda put down in words what you'd like to be able to say over the phone but you cant. I always worry about what people would do without me knowing though so can never fully open up. But write what ever you feel comfortable writing about, I'm usually aware though that I dont put anything down that may cause them to take further action even if it is how I'm feeling. But for some people tell someone how they really feel even when its about their final thoughts - that is a great help and way of reaching out. If you are still unsure they have some answers to usual questions on their website. email address is jo@samaritans.org
    and their website address is http://www.samaritans.org/default.aspx
    There is a lot more information on their website too that you may find usual.
    I'm doing Primary Teaching, always paranoid that someone will find out how I'm really feeling and kick me off course saying I'm not fit to teach or something, nearly got kicked off at start of the year because I self harmed and ended up in A and E, not a great start to my degree. What year are you in? Have you made some good friends at uni? Does anyone know at all how your feeling at the moment? I know it can be quite hard to open up to people sometimes, even harder to friends and family as you fear their reaction and judgement. I have lost many friends since suffereing with depression but have come to realise your true friends are those who may not even understand but still stick by you. Have you felt like this before or had any support before? x
     
  19. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    hmm ok thanks il give them a go i think... i think the fear of people finding out how you feel is a common thought especially for people that are experiencing the feelings that we do, sounds like that was a hard time at the start of your degree but sounds like you managed to get over it at least in some respects? err im in second year but did take a year off what about u? i do have some good friends and some i would like to consider close... but ive become really good at hiding how i actually feel... i do have one friend who knows i have these thoughts but she thinks that it is very rare and has never been more than a thought... i dont feel i can burden her with this so up to this point i haven't... even though she has an amazing ability to tell if somethings wrong when i let my guard down for a second... what bout u do you have close friends and those you can rely on?
    ive dealt with these "thoughts"/feelings for 4-5years but up to the last few months i have managed to cope by my self... bout 2 months ago i had a really bad "episode" which meant i contacted my local GP for the first and only time and i got a appointment with a psychiatric nurse (but i kept some stuff from her for fear of judgement) , and since then i have been on a waiting list for which seems like years which lead me to this site.... what about you how long have you been dealing with this?
     
  20. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I suppose I'm considered as a mature student I'm 23 but am only in my 1st year, I tried uni a few years ago but didn't complete it, left near the beggining. I'm glad you have a friend that knows you abit better,even if the fear of burden or rejection is there, she is at least aware which is a great place to start. I have a few close friends that found out about my self harm because of some shit that happened but they dont know how I really feel, I kinda feel the same as you, dont want to put that sort of thing on them and also do not want them to judge me and fear of their rejection so i honestly do understand where you coming from. 4 -5 years is a long time to have to cope and live with how you are feeling, you have done amazing to get to uni and be in your second year, you should be giving yourself a major pat on the back for that, going to uni isn't easy especially when not only are you doing the course but your also trying to fight yourself too so I admire you for getting to where you are. How long is the waiting list? will they assign you a CPN (Community pshychiatric nurse)? welldone for going to the GP, I scared of saying too much to my GP, but I have a CPN at the moment who I'm meant to talk to. I hope you find this site usual, I've only been on here for a few weeks I think, but there are some really amazing and supportive people on here who will always be there to help.
    I've not been too great for a while but it all really kicked off about 4 years ago and ended up in psych hospital for first time 3 years ago. You get tired after a while dont you, but you have come so far to have got through 4 -5 years of hard work and now be in your second year of uni, that is a great achievement, you probably dont believe it most of the time but you should definatly be patting yourself on the back :) x what sort of other stuff outside of lectures and work do you enjoy doing?
     
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