I don't want to be in this place any more. Life has fallen so short of expectation. What happened to the dreams I had as a kid? When the bullies laughed and I just kept acting like a fool anyway because it was fun and carefree. Now I have all this anguish and anxiety and anger. Two or three times a week I think about ways I could kill myself to be rid of my pain. I've even studied up on the matter. But it's something I could never do. See, I don't want to kill myself. It's messy, painful, and leaves a wake of agony. I just want to be gone, completely. I want to have never existed in the first place. Nobody can hurt me. My loss will mean nothing, and I will simply be forgotten in a moment. No fallout, just blissful absence. Is that too much to ask? This world was not designed for people like me. I'm supposed to have aspirations and responsibities. Friends and lovers. A career or at least a passion. I'm supposed to be strong, willful and confident. I should be laughing and dancing with people, not avoiding them. Why does it seem like everyone else has it so figured out? Why can't I just be like them? My whole life has been isolating. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm fake in person, too. All smiles and jokes. I even act dumber to fit in. Nobody knows me, nobody tries. When I'm nervous people tell me "You wouldn't be so worried about what they thought of you if you knew how little they did." and the reason it's unhelpful is because I do know how little they do. How little anyone ever has. I want someone to think of me, the way I pay attention to them. But the more it matters to me, the farther away it gets. I'm stuck in this emptiness. Please, erase me.