Erase Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EtherealMind, Dec 14, 2012.

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  1. EtherealMind

    EtherealMind New Member

    I don't want to be in this place any more. Life has fallen so short of expectation. What happened to the dreams I had as a kid? When the bullies laughed and I just kept acting like a fool anyway because it was fun and carefree. Now I have all this anguish and anxiety and anger. Two or three times a week I think about ways I could kill myself to be rid of my pain. I've even studied up on the matter. But it's something I could never do. See, I don't want to kill myself. It's messy, painful, and leaves a wake of agony. I just want to be gone, completely.

    I want to have never existed in the first place. Nobody can hurt me. My loss will mean nothing, and I will simply be forgotten in a moment. No fallout, just blissful absence. Is that too much to ask? This world was not designed for people like me. I'm supposed to have aspirations and responsibities. Friends and lovers. A career or at least a passion. I'm supposed to be strong, willful and confident. I should be laughing and dancing with people, not avoiding them. Why does it seem like everyone else has it so figured out? Why can't I just be like them?

    My whole life has been isolating. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm fake in person, too. All smiles and jokes. I even act dumber to fit in. Nobody knows me, nobody tries. When I'm nervous people tell me "You wouldn't be so worried about what they thought of you if you knew how little they did." and the reason it's unhelpful is because I do know how little they do. How little anyone ever has. I want someone to think of me, the way I pay attention to them. But the more it matters to me, the farther away it gets. I'm stuck in this emptiness. Please, erase me.
  2. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    I know what you're feeling. Sometimes I wish there was just a doorway I could walk through and when I did, I'd just cease to exist. I believe I was a total mistake. I have no purpose on this planet. I believe I am taking up space. You're not alone, friend.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    a lot of other people are faking it just like you are. I think that people are too caught up in competing with one another and with trying to defend themselves from criticism to show what they really feel

    therapy might be good for you. finding people who feel the same way and connecting could help

    count floyd, it seems like you are trying to help people. exactly that kind of person that the world needs most. please be gentle with yourself and give yourself a break
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I want to move far away from my current place. Because then I no longer have to fake anything. How can you be fake when no one knows you to begin with?

    I do not know what others have figured out. I guess I scarified that innate knowledge for intelligence or something. Who knows, no one can explain it to me. No one understands why I do not get it. So I have just given up. Is that the right choice? I do not know, nor do I really care.
  5. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Is it possible for you to move? Moving is sometimes good when you're suffering from depression - new surroundings can give you a whole new lease on life. Is this something you can do?

    We have that chemical in our brains that makes us feel this way - we need to fight it as much as we can I know it's hard, it's hard for me. Anything that can give you a one-up on those chemicals is good - if you can move, I bet that would help a lot.
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