erm.... rant?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cookiemonster, Sep 28, 2009.

  1. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    Well, this is because of the kind people in another thread of mine. I'm not always good at writing things down, you should see my suicide note...

    But here goes.

    I've never been an overly sociable person, ever. I quite often have problems expressing myself and can seem inappropriate and insensitive, and i know this.

    Over the past couple of years I have been through a few rough times, and have seen a few of my friends 'leave'. this just led to me being even more depressed and insecure than normal and so i started leaning to other friends for support. Some of them saw it coming and so moved away pretty quickly, and there was this one friend who really seemed to get what was going on. so I guess i leaned on her pretty hard and this caused her some problems and pushed her away pretty quickly. things haven't been the same with us since. she often complains that i am the reason she hasn't yet gotten with the person who she is madly infatuated with, as she said that i was constantly blocking her out. i didn't think i was doing this, and so i have backed off to leave her to it. the problems with this is that it has pushed me further to the outside of the group and this just makes me more depressed. but this time i'm afraid of getting help just in case i hurt someone with my problems and so things are escalating badly and i just feel like crap. I feel like i want to kill myself, but know i can't until mid-october time. i'm compensating using self-harm but it really isn't enough right now but i know that if i try i wont succeed and that will make me worse.

    sadly, this is only a little chunk of what is happening to me right now, but because its making me nervous thinking about it i will have to stop now. i'll post again when i have calmed down i think
     
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you posted - that takes some courage so good on you.

    What springs to mind straight away is that a lot of people don't know how to handle someone else's pain and even though maybe they do care and want to help, they feel helpless and frustrated and inadequate so they turn it back on you. It's no damn excuse but your backing off maybe makes it worse for you (as you say, you're now finding yourself being pushed to the outside of the group).

    So it might be worth your while to keep talking to those of your friends who are willing to listen, maybe explain to them what they could do to help (that gives them something concrete to go on) and then you won't get so caught up in the spiral that keeps pushing you away from them and making you feel isolated.

    But in the meantime keep talking here - I know you said it was making you nervous to think about the rest of what's going on - but when you feel ready to tell some more, I'll be listening.

    Please hang in there, you're amongst friends here.

    Tam
     
  3. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    thank you, seriously.

    i do have a friend i can really talk to. she is actually the only reason i am still here. she understands my problems more than most. she's going through a lot herself and i respect that and so i am now going to spend more time focusing on her at the minute. i've been really selfish of late...

    thanks again
     
  4. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i feel better today but only because a couple of people who are problems for me were not at school today.

    I want to apologise sincerely for my outburst in the chat room yesterday (to anyone it may concern). i felt like crap and was seriously considering killing myself. i don't actually know what happened. one minute i was fine, i wasn't even paranoid and the next i was in tears. i think it was hormonal.

    my friend having her rant about me has really affected me and has affected the way i am with my friends now. in a way i've become more sensitive to their needs and i'm starting to think that maybe i could think of them instead f me from now on. it might help me to forget some of the things that have happened.

    i'm really after having a new start. i want to move away and forget everything. i think in the long run it wont be a god thing but i think for the minute it is a good idea. too much has happened in this place, there are too many memories that i want to forget and too many things i know i can't remember for good reason.

    school is both a reason why i want to move and a reason i can't. i've also cocked up my education anyways. there isn't much i can do to redeem it. i don't like the people there very much either and the support staff there are often less than helpful. i've already been moved down a year and thats made me worse and i just want to leave but i know i can't.

    grrrrrrrr

    i'm not sure if any of that made sense. i didn't read it back.
     
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hi glg,

    I think it all made sense! All the things you say in your post are understandable - being more sensitive to your friends' needs is a pretty good thing, but I'd say make sure you don't put their needs before yours! That's a really easy trap to fall into and can really backfire big-time.

    As for moving away - I can relate to that. I've done it most of my life, packing up and starting again, usually in a new country. But I think you're right to say that it won't help in the long run - I've found that while getting settled into somewhere new was distracting and fun for a while, eventually the same old stuff caught up with me. I now call it running away! And though I'm going to do it again in the not too distant future - I'm trying my hardest to make sure I've got all my problems sorted first.

    If school is the reason you can't move away - maybe it would be a good idea to concentrate on getting the most out of your time there, ie try and get as much out of it for YOU as you can. Give yourself that time to try and sort some things out and then at the end of it, you'll be in a better position to decide whether you really want to go away or not.

    Hope what I've written now makes sense.

    Tam
     
  6. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i don't know why i try sometimes. everything seems so great and then i remember why things were bad and then they aren't so great anymore... :(