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Discussion in 'After Effects' started by lost_child, Jul 30, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    My first attempt was when I was 12, and then again at 15 I don't recall how I felt afterwards but I know that when I was 12, it lead to a year at behaviour school with one on one teaching and speaking to someone not sure of the job title or that but all i remember thinking at 12, was I wish she would shut up and leave me alone... at 15 I was referred to child physcologist I had one appointment and walked out after she started going on about my old man, how I was he's favourite (all info she got from my mother)...if I was he's favourtie why did he sexually abuse from when I was 3/4....

    I then went into self destruction mode, 12 years without thinking, or feeling that death was my only option,. without feeling anything I guess..I was high, drinking, clubbing, working (somehow), I was sleeping around...u name it I pretty much done it..Instant death hadn't worked, so now I was slowly killing myself.

    30th January 2006, I broke down....I took an overdose...the things that followed were all in a daze, I didn't feel guilty, in fact I was angry, I was mad at the world, at myself for not doing it right..the pain I wanted to depart was still there.. I tried again on the 23rd April I spent a week in a hospital I dont' recall how I felt at the time but by then I was severly depressed.. Life started to pick up and I was glad that I had survived...but in September I miscarried at 6 weeks pregnant, I went away for 2 weeks to try and recover but the first nite I was sexually attacked.. I got home and the depression got alot worse, october 17th I took another overdose, 2 days later I took another one and was admitted to hospital, I was told that if I didn't find another way to deal with my emotions I would be sectioned, I had daily visits and calls to check how I was.... I was given anti-depressants and again life became more bearable...but the physicatrist stopped prescribing them because I was drinking daily, I was drinking according to her over 100 units aweek.

    This year, however, I tried again in Feb, March and April.. I had my physicaitrist calling weekly, the police daily, the doctor daily and my counsellor daily and seeing her twice a week...if I took another overdose and survived I would be sectioned, my counsellor helped stop it from happening and my doctor felt that it wasn't a place I should be... somedays I look around and feel grateful I survived, but more often then not I feel i'm being punished and the biggest punishment is to survive and live.

    Obviously, I would prefer that the feelings eased...that I could manage life better, that I didn't think of death as the only option.. I have recentely started saving tablets, I won't say what, or how many, or how...but I did mention to my counsellor during an eposide and she feels that its gone from active suicide to planned suicide, with the consequences being the end - I have no control, I know what I'm doing but its like someone else is doing it and I can't stop them...

    Lost x
     
  2. LiverpoolFTW

    LiverpoolFTW Guest

    It's always difficult to know what to say when someone tells there life story...but you aren't alone.

    I dont think i'll ever recover from my childhood, its possible i suppose but wont be easy. I'm still trying so there is a little hope.
     
  3. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    Lost_Child,
    Hello sweetie and thank you for sharing this with us. I am glad that you have survived all of your attempts at suicide. I know that you don't feel that way right now. I am sorry that your going through so much. If you ever need an ear to listen to you talk one on one send me a pm sweetie. I know life is hard and what you went through at such a young age is really hard to deal with. Take care sweetheart and I love you. Also remember we are all here for you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss


    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
     
  4. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    I am also a survivor of numerous suicidal attempts. I have also been hospitalized and I am currently in a program where someone brings my meds to me each evening. They watch me take them and monitor my mood.. all in an attempt to keep my from harming myself.

    I am also glad I have survived but there are times when i regret being alive. Or when the suicidal urges seem especially strong. By stockpiling your meds you are really saying you have stopped taking your meds.. same thing, right? I'm asking you to please take your medications. Take them as prescribed and let your psychiatrist know immediately if you are struggling.

    I know there are times when the meds and therapy have been working for you. By your own admission you are sometimes grateful for being alive. you are a very capable and wonderful person who is currently stuck in a dangerous and depressive episode.

    Sometimes I browse through YouTube to distract myself. I feel like a pinball ith the amount of distractions I use to refrain from hurting myself! but hey, it works!

    Stay safe!

    :harp:
     
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