Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Apr 20, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I guess I can post this here..
    I have been fighting with myself over the idea of suicide lately. Recently I took on a pagan attitude twords life and death. I never agreed with heaven, hell, and that whole nine yards. My idea of it was that I was energy and energy never dies, it only changes.
    Anyways..Lately I have fallen into a depression again. I have a few days of feeling decent/content but then the depression/hopelessness kicks back in. I have been thinking about suicide lately but whats the point? I will end right back here someday regardless. The problem is..Will I end up in a situation just as bad as what Im in now, worse, or better?
    I hate to admit this but I have been thinking of awful things, ways to hurt myself/take my human body out. Some of them are graphic, I can actually imagine myself doing these things that I think of.
    Im not afraid of so called death. I have nothing to fear..but (here comes the but) I do worry about those I would leave behind. Who would care for my son, who would take care of my dogs, who would feed my cats, who would cook for my husband, how bad would my actions hurt my Dad, would friends miss me, would my family be able to continue normally without me, would my husband start drinking again..and...
    Okay, thats my thoughts for now.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Think of suicide as an open wound..It's going to hurt when inflicted, Then it will festor, Then eventually it will turn into a scar.. That is what you will put your family through if you commit.. Now you have to ask yourself do you want to do that to them..
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    One thing I can tell you for certain is that, if you kill yourself, that's something your son will never forget, will never be able to completely heal from.

    I realize no two situations are the same, and so I'm not saying this would happen to him; but a man that I was friends with several years ago lost his mother to suicide when he was ten or eleven. In fact, he was the person who found her. He's in his early thirties now, but he's gone through hell ... therapists, medication, so many psychiatrists ... just to try and deal with the emotions he feels. It's like part of him died when his mother took ehr own life, and that's part of him that he will never get back.

    So please, get some help. Talk to someone, let people know how you're feeling so they can help you.
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    i am so glad you reached out here.

    and i am SO sorry for the pain you are feeling, so acutely.

    i have 2 children, and they are the biggest reason, i am still here. i was able somehow, even in the darkest times, to see their faces and realize i would do irreparable damage to them; damage to their souls, that would never heal.
    it would change every single thing about who they are, and who they could become.

    it is not easy to stay, when we only want to go. you have several reasons to stay, but your son is your biggest one.

    if you take that reason, that precious child. . and try to hold on, i believe you can make it , and i believe you'll have a chance at a better quality of life one day. it can be more than a dream.

    that said, i have times i struggle, now is not the best time for me. but i still see those little faces, and realize i am responsible for putting them here. and therefore i cannot abandon my post. i lean heavily on some here at s.f., and continue to be saved, daily.

    i hope you find support here
    pm me if you want to talk. . . . :console:
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Thinking and doing something is vastly different...why have things been more down lately??? is there something that set this off? Glad you posted how you are feeling and if this continues, I suggest you discuss this with your MD/Pdoc to see what else you can do...all the best, J
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I dont have a pdoc or therapist. I lost my insurance and have no way to pay to see them. Its over $200 for a 15 minute visit to the pdoc and over $100 for a 45 minute chat with the therapist...

    No, theres been nothing new to drag me down. Im just not dealing with old wounds to well...Some relationship issues that Im trying to deal with and dont think I ever will. Then theres the issue of having no money and being so far behind in bills that I will never see the light of day again. Also Im still living in this shit hole home that I was suppose to be out of last year but thanks to my stepdad squandering all my moms money away I couldnt move. Im just sick of his constant lies. He told me he would have the work done for me to move two years ago, Im still waiting. He said he would help me with gas today for something important, he didnt and I barely got home. He said he would bring some things up on the hill for me, he didnt and they are sitting at my Dads on the back of a truck still.

    My Dad seems increasingly pissed off with the way things are going for the family lately. My neighbor (his long time friend who lives on his property) has been junking things up and not paying/working off the rent for the house. My moms letting her husband junk the property up with tons of crap, she let her husband put a new building up and they refused to pay the taxes on it. So my Dads stuck with paying for it until they move out (and I move in and take the crap down). My grandma seems to take my moms side a lot and its pissing me off. She use to never be like that. She use to stick up for me. I dont have anyone left to actually talk to. Since I cant afford therapy or pdoc anymore and my grandmas always taking someone elses side - Im alone. My husbands a bumbling idiot who doesnt understand (or listen half the time).

    The only living things that can actually hear and respond in some way to my pleas are my dogs (and occasionally my two cats)...A few days ago I got so upset..I feel stupid for telling this but..I set back in a chair, turned the tv off, and stared up at the sky (thru my window) and I begged for the great god and goddess to either intervine and help me out or help me move on (ie..let me drop dead).. I felt silly afterwords because I was crying so hard and talking to them outloud..

    Maybe this sounds stupid to but I dont actually want to commit suicide, thats why Im fighting with myself so hard. Now dont get me wrong..I want to move on, die, whatever youd like to call it from your point of view..I just dont want to inflict it upon myself. Its a struggle for me to get those images of self injury out of my head..I use to cut myself and take a lot of pills that I wasnt suppose to. I find myself missing those days of being stone high and bleeding from a dozen places at once..

    I dont know what I expect to happen really. Life has been a total train wreck for most of my 23 years..I feel like I was created damned, born damned, and will die damned..I was a sick baby, they told my mom to expect me to die before the night was up..I was abused as a child and my mom called me a little lier and still to this days says I made it up. I went thru self induced hellfire by taking drugs, popping pills, drinking, having sex with anyone (male or female) that wanted to... I guess I was always searching for someone to love me..Since I didnt have a father father..My sperm donor left when my mom was 3 months pregnant. My moms stepfather raised me as his own so I always called him my Dad too. So it was me, grandma, dad, and mom. Then mom started school and left me behind. I got old enough to care for myself and then everyone left me behind..So I was always searching for someone to love me..Does that make any sence?

    Sorry for the winded post..
  7. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Everyone needs to feel loved :hug:
    At least you could cry. That sounds like you let some of it out. Keep crying, keep posting :console:
  8. Numpty

    Numpty Member

    I apolgise but your logic is flawed. If you do not fear death, your only reason for not commiting suicide is to maintain the happines of those around you. But, then again, if you place such little value on death, why worry? Your dogs will die because they are underfed, but no worries, because death to you is merely transitory and of a cursory nature.Similarly, health and wellbeing are just statesof life, and thus the abscence of these will lead to a seemingly unimportant death, so no need to worry about friends and family. See how your logic is flawed? Common fault. Do you see where you went wrong in building a logic?

    Might I propose you try and focus your efforts into becoming a productive gear in the machination of society. I don't know enough about you, but perhaps one can try and working even harder. If your life means nothing to you, then perhaps put your life on the line for other. Join the profession of Arms, such as the army. Or perhaps a police officer, or some other position where your life is on the line.

    This isn't an all-knowing answer. I reason things using logic. I hope I have helped.

  9. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I got to thinking to myself lastnight..Maybe its not death that I want.. What I want is to be free of the problems that drag me down everyday and free of the nightmares and memories that plauge me. Or if I cant be free of them at least be able to say see you later to them and have a week without them so I can be refreshed and able to fully fight again.
    No Numpty you havent helped. My logic is not flawed because its just that MY LOGIC. Its no one elses and no one else has to agree with it. Its mine and to me it works.
    Also I hate the army. To me they are just americas bullys. I wont go into my feelings on that because I dont know how many people here are army supporters. I will say please dont take my comment wrong. Its not the people in the army I dislike, its what they have to do to be called army. A big no thanks for police officer too.
    However..Thank you for taking the time to add your input, unhelpful as it was to me, I appreciate the effort.
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