hey..its realy late or early mourning shud i say..an i jus found this site and realy thought puting my thoughts down wud help,thanks if your reading. the last few weeks..i jus seem to be reaching breaking point..i litterally hav nufin or no one..it seems ive lost all connection wiv people closest to me. My family life is killing me..my father is an alcholic and has not worked due to his mental illness 'depression'..i hav 2 sisters and a mother too..an we hav all been effected it seems from living wiv this man..he has cauzed alot of pain over the years and ive had years of protecting my mum an shaking wiv fear as this 19 stone man is threatening to kill her and me..havin r mum in tears an yrs of having the police restrain him after long sessions of repetative notions on wot he was goin to do to r mum has severly effected us all. im the youngest in the family at home..and i seemed to hav been dealing wiv it all beta than everyone..i felt like i was the only sane one.but wiv my father side of family nt suporting him and as he has no one accept his wife his son an his 2 daughters..wen he hits rock bottom an achohol sinks in..he has simply nufin to lose..an thats wots so scary. It happens about 5 times a yr..few week spell each time of the fightin..i do blame my mother fo nt leaving him the 1st time he layed a hand on her.but now she is a old broken women it seems ..an wud neva leave him. my sisters both hav issues resultin from these yrs. that wasnt even what i wanted to talk about on this.. I am 19 now..i quit my college course which was a massive mistake..but my parents hav neva pushed me to do anything i wanted..it was my choice but i wish they would of tried harder keep me aspiring to somthing. i now work full time..and ive lost alot of contact wiv my friends..i dont really see any of them these days..some of whom closest now having girlfriends an such.. I became besotted wiv a girl at my last job..for about a yr i was pretty sure she liked me..and i am one of the nicest people you will ever meet..i would neva do anything to hurt anyone and id go out of my way to help anyone..id rather someone else be hapy than me. this girl was perfect..i loved her an it came to point were at my works christmas do.i tried my hardest to look gud an feel gud..i managed to get talkin to her all nite..until someone sed..'ur boyfriend in the marines or something aint he??' i was devastated..i gav up hope then..my heart sunk...took me a long time to get over that..i would of asked her out sooner if it wasnt for the CIRCUMCISION i had to have..serious..i feel ive been delt a rough hand.. yeh had to hav circumcision..and that was very traumatic for a 18 yr old..especially as i didnt tell parent til day of operation now at my current work become best friends kinda wiv the prettiest girl in the place..she is beautiful.i spend about 3 hours wiv her all day..but i findin it extremely difficult..as i realy like her..an as i say desperated for this love lark..she is one of the cool kids so to speak..an im more of a nice kid who all the moms luv..an i hav people constantely asking me if ive asked her out or is somthing goin on..an its like its being thrown in my face..r they saying i hav a chance wiv this girl..who to be honest i dont even particulary like as she is nt to be frank..a bit of a bitch.lol..i laugh at my depression..i really just hav learnt to laugh at everything..but it seems am at breaking point. oh an this girl is the bigest flirt i hav eva met..she teases me constantely hinting r 'romance'. and it does hurt wen i hav no one an neva hav realy..and yes she is leaving to make it worse..so then i will hav noo one. i go to work come home go to work..my weekends consist of me stayin in..i hav one friend realy an we spend r time talkin bout r depresin week..an laughin at each other..i been mostly in bed for few days now wen nt working..an i close to breaking point..i jus cant do this constant cycle any more.. i dont talk to my family realy as they make me feel worse..i put on this act that im okay to everyone i meet..u cudnt tell am depressed lookin at me..im afraid am turning into a recluse..and bein alone ..im lonely now but its only guna get worse..ive had suicidal thoughts alot recentely more than ever... just seems unfair that this is how my life is..i neva done anything to hurt anyone..ive looked after people closest to me..ive had alot to deal wiv personally..an ud fink it wud even itself out..but it hasnt..im alone depressed an dreading life an the mornin.. i just read that back and am sory for terrible grammar an the whole thing really..i hate conplaining and moaning as there are plenty of people worse off..but i seem to be serounded by the lucky people..who hav friends galore ..relation ships and great lifes in general..wer as im jus counting the days down.wishin i had someone..i think its too late already at my age..i just think i couldnt cope wiv a relationship.i wudnt kno wot to do.. i duno..its all negative thoughts..i hav no positives..sory if someone achually read this..