Its interesting, how internally I have had this 'survivor' and 'escaper' struggle within me. When I first developed PTSD and then the subsequent horrific depression, I felt like the 'survivor' in me was more consuming and kept trying to hold the 'escaper' part of me off. Now its different. The escaper is more powerful, and I can tell that what I want is to escape. I want to die now. I know there must be this "if you want to die, why havent you" question....and the reason I havent, is that there is still this survivor part of me that just keeps me alive. I hate that part of me. I'm reminded of this feeling you have when you really truly give up. Its a feeling of ....wherever you are, whatever you are doing, right at that very moment, you just stop. You lay down, and you stop. You dont care. You don't care who sees you, or who tries to stop you. You don't care if anyone does see you or anyone does stop you. You just stop. You curl up on the floor, right where you are, and wait for everything to stop. I am reminded of an experience in my life that I equate to this feeling. I was terrified of heights and had to climb a 20 foot high cargo net when I was about 14 or so, at this outdoor education thing. I was terrified, and we had to climb to the top, climb over the top and down the other side. I climbed up to the top. Got there, and froze. I couldnt get myself to climb over the top, and I didnt even think of climbing down. Instead, I just let go and fell. Smack on my back. I just let go, not caring, but knowing I couldnt climb over it. I also once went hiking in a cave in Slovakia, and I had a major panic attack. I got terrified. I was so terrified, I stopped moving. It was at that point, I couldnt go forward, and I couldnt go backwards. I would have been ok to just live there forever, because I was too terrified. It was another moment of, just quitting, giving up, the escaper becoming powerful, and just laying down like a hedgehog and curling up, because I couldn't move. I ended up being carried out of the cave by one of the men with us. So thats how Im not still in the cave now. Anyway, those feelings - of just quitting, of just decideding, that I am in too much pain, and I am too tired, that I really, truely, do not care....I remember it and recognize it. I feel it now sometimes and I know that is the escaper part of me that is trying to run away. And the survivor part of me is what gets me up to go to work in the morning. Before I went into hospital, I started taking medications and mixing them and whatever...this is a common theme for me over the past few years. I've only been out of hospital for about 2.5 months, and Im doing it again. And far worse. I made myself horribly sick last night, and I keep doing it. I am 'experimenting'. I dont know where to go anymore, or what to do. I truly feel like there is no hope for me, and I really have tried so hard. There are no answers anymore, I dont know what to do. I am afraid to tell my therapist any of this, because I dont want to put him out or bug him. I dont know. I hide this from my partner and from everyone. I didnt go to work last friday, and I've been up for only about 2 hours at a time since then and its now sunday evening. I know I need to go to work tomorrow, but I really dont know how I am going to get through at all... I kind of just think that I need to die and that its the only answer. Its not right to keep going like I am. I hate the survivor part of me. I hate it. It is interesting, how the two sides have somewhat changed positions.