My sense of "self" is shaken up again thanks to whom (it) is using it's power to control me. Everything that seemed to matter, doesn't. Everything that didn't matter, does. I awoke sitting on the bathroom floor, back against the door and <edit mod total eclipse method> in hand. My breathing erratic, and my heart pounding so hard as though it was trying to escape. Yes, I called a help line to be told that no counsellors were available to "talk it out" but someone could call me back later today. WTF? It seems as though I was in no immediate danger to myself or anyone else. Taking about two and a half hours to calm down, I realized it was the very vivid dream that had me there. I still feel and remember the dream this time. Thankfully, I did not leave my house or cut this time. These scenarios always lead me from bad to worse, as experience has it. It seems this soul is desperately trying to escape and who the heck and I to deny it it's freedom? What is the point in managing to contain it when I have become so seemingly insignificant? My speech, my voice, my very glances...have become furtive and repressed. I am now bridled with caution. No longer trust what little I have left of even myself.