Clinging stubbornly to a belief there were explanations of life that affect the feelings of anxiety and depression, I am recovering only held memories, in yet another self-created space. Horrified and humiliated, I wanted to evaporate but couldn't. Many times I feel locked up or trapped with no means to leave. I feel as though I have no choice and have to put up with all the strong conflicts and painful memories of an existence that hold no value. Being intelligent is not enough, it is a waste of time. If I cannot use it to solve my problem(s), not thinking or intelligently assessing my situation YET AGAIN when no solution makes sense, then I seek for which cannot be found. I have a powerful imagination, as well as creative, but imagination, fantasy and creativity has been well hidden and secured. Therefore, I believe that my emotional thought will never be whole since it has been severed into pieces and has no meaning or reality. This is something far beyond the ability of anyone to recognize, relate or rebuild. The subtle essence of my existence is the "self" which does exists, even though people do not directly perceive it. They cannot see the soul in the body except by recognizing the symptoms. Whomever is dear to me is only so due to the presence of the self within, the physical body is just a shell that will deteriorate when death finds it, but the soul "self" will still exist. The body is not our real identity, we are the "self" within. However I have created these spaces, some either given away or had them stolen, I have become estranged from my "self" and we exist separately. The self is causing huge amounts of disturbing feelings of fear and panic of desire or need, that are enticing me more or less, for its own existence in some form. Who am I to deny the self, a soul situated in the heart, to spread its influence freely? I am frightened with how easily this has invaded me. I am worried and have been preoccupied about getting rid of it, yet while keeping it safe, fear and panic at times are not being able to figure out what is going on or what to do with it. It's too involved in seeking out the higher truth of the matter and I get shaken up and tossed into a downward spiral that just creates more frustration and emotional storms. Acceptance of such things is a greater challenge. Feelings of real closeness with self are not set to be a portion or part of the bargain. Recognizing the soul's preference, the conscious Will must be there before the event begins. It has the gift of sight and sees that part that is not seen.