Even breathing is too hard

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by titanicable, Oct 11, 2009.

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  1. titanicable

    titanicable Member

    Honeslty, it is. I know that most, if not all, people probably know how that feels on this forum. It's too hard to breathe and it's too painful to keep going. Getting out of bed is a feat.

    The only reason I am still on this Earth is because of my mom. I could never, ever end my own life while she still breathes. My mom almost died bringing me into this world and suffered for the 8 months that she carried me in her womb, risking her own life so that I could have mine. My parents have done everything in their power to try to make me happy (well...my mom has), they've given me the world and everything money can buy. Sadly, money can't buy happiness. I wish it could buy me as much happiness as it has bought me designer bags and shoes. I would be the happiest person, but material possessions are meaningless.

    I'm lonely and I'm depressed, and too damn ashamed and embarrassed to tell the people that love me that I hate my life and I want to die. I have two friends left in this world. One lives in New York (2 1/2 hours away...by plane) and the other is a senior in high school who lives half an hour down the highway and has no time for me, save for texting and phone calls. I have parents that love me and a brother that...I don't know. I don't honestly know how he feels about me, or how I feel about him. I only know that I resent him for always outshining me in everything and always being the Golden Child, and sometimes I hate him for the cruel, nasty things he says to me and the way he treats me and always has to put me down.

    My life is going nowhere. I have been through 2 years of college. I most failed everything. I wanted to do a programme to become an LPN. I realised I could never stick a needle into somebody's arm. I want to apply to the university in my city to study writing, but if I even wanted half a prayer of getting in, I would have to lie and pretend I had taken 2 years off school.

    I always feel lonely. Always. I have pushed everyone away from me, save for 2 friends and my parents. My mother is my best friend and she is the only person I ever do anything with. I often go out and drive around endlessly before coming home so that I can make her think I have friends and a social life, but I don't. When my parents left for a weekend, I trashed the house so I could tell them I had friends over. Another time they were gone, I 'confessed' to my mother that a friend and I had gotten into the alcohol and gotten wasted. Just so she wouldn't worry about me. So she would think I have friends and a social life.

    Breathing hurts. I never really eat anymore and I never really sleep. When I do sleep, I sleep for up to 12-14 hours. I am fat, truly fat, I know I am, I wear a size 18 short. I'm not attractive unless I wear makeup, I am very, very plain naturally. I have never had a boyfriend and I have never been kissed or even had someone like me, and I am 20 years old. I have been on one date, and the guy left immediately after the movies and just went to his own car, without even trying to pretend he had a good time or even pretend to be decent and walk me to my own car.

    In my life, I have done nothing but fail. I fail on purpose, because I know my parents can't stand each other. My dad goes on business trips all the time, and I know he's having sex with random women when he's gone while he leaves my mother at home, while he yells at her and blames everything on her. He ignores us unless he's yelling at someone or it's to his convenience. When I try to talk to him about anything he doesn't even answer. He just stares at the TV and says nothing. Like you don't even exist. He refuses to believe that I'm suffering from ADD, and always writes it off as nothing and tells my mom that it's BS and that she's wasting money on my medication. But I fail on purpose, and have my whole life, because if I'm trapped at home failing, then my parents will not divorce and I can pretend to at least have a family.

    For that reason, not that reason alone though, I cannot admit that I am depressed and suicidal. My own father would put me down and deny it, telling me to suck it up. I do see a psychiatrist, obviously, but this is for ADD. I cannot tell him that I am depressed and suicidal, because my mother is always there with me to give him updates on any personality changes or anything else, to monitor the medication I'm being given to make sure it doesn't screw with me. And it hasn't. These feelings have been with me since I was 13 years old, years before I was diagnosed with ADD.

    I have been suicidal for 8 years. I want to die. I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't know why I'm hurting this badly or why I cry myself to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, just before dawn, or why I feel sick to my stomach when night falls and the jig is up for the time being. I don't know why the nights are so long or why this is happening to me.

    I just want it to be over. I want death, but I can't have it. It would hurt the most important person in the world to me beyond repair (my mom), and though I just want to die, I want there to be a happy ending to my story. I don't want to be another kid on the news that went crazy and OD'd, but I can't help feeling I'm going to be when I finally give up. I can't do this anymore, deal with all this pain that I can't understand and carry on with my life when I don't want to. But I have to go on.

    Every night that I make it through to see another day is an accomplishment that I try to be proud of.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2009
  2. Astarael

    Astarael Member

    I am here, I am reading this, and I am relating to you in many ways... You *should* be proud for every day you keep on breathing, because it is too hard; I know it. Focus on the pride you are entitled to for surviving another day.
  3. titanicable

    titanicable Member

    Thank you. Very, very much.
  4. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hye titanicable, first of all, welcome to SF. I hope you can find some hapiness and support in this place. We're always here for you.

    I can relate to alot of your story. I have a dad just like yours and I know how hard it is. The same difficulty in breathing, in sleeping... It's not easy, I understand your pain entirely.

    If I may ask, what are you doing right now? You said you failed to join a few colleges, but then what are you filling your time with? The last thing you should do is sit around doing nothing. That gives you time to think... and that's a bad thing considering the rough time you're going through. If you're not studying, I'd really consider taking some classes, even a massage course, something to keep you busy.

    Unfortunately there are no magic words to work out our problems, but there is action. Don't fail your purpose. I understand why you do it as I've been there myself, maybe I still am. But you can't throw yourself even lower into the pit just trying to get your parents attention. From personal experience, once they do notice, you're already too deep to make any difference.

    Keep posting my friend, we'll listen(read) and support the best we can. We're here for you. You can PM me anytime.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    welcome titanicable depression is certainly a killer of life. I hope you are on some kind of medication for your depression it does help in that it takes the edge of sadness a bit. Therapy with psychologist does help or coucillor at any school or a therapist anyone talking things out with someone will help decrease the confusion I am glad you are here as lots of people can relate to what you are going through i am one of them take care.
  6. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through and how hard it is when you feel like you cant tell the people in your life how you are really feeling. it is a lonely feeling and it hurts a lot. You are brave though for sharing it at least with all of us. I encourage you to keep writing, you express yourself very well. take care.
  7. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    you know what hun, i care alot, and not just me but im 100% sure all of us do. and when you feel down instead of doing bad things take time out to reward ur self like a bubble bath or a yoga work out, its always good to distract our selves xoxo

    thankyou for sharing!
  8. titanicable

    titanicable Member

    Thank you everyone <3 It really means the world to me that you've all read this, let alone responded. It really does.

    Umm...to answer a few of the questions. I'm working part time and am applying to schools so I can go back semester, hopefully. And I'm not on any medication, even thought I know I probably should be :\

    I had an alright day today. I did some shopping and bought myself a new book to get lost in. Here's hoping it's a good one.

    But thank you so much again to all of you for your support <3
  9. captialism2009

    captialism2009 New Member

    Goodness, just keep going titanicable! It's all any of us can do. I realte to you in soooo many ways it's not even funny. My mother is my shining light but my dad (and several stepdads after...) are not good role model or male figure in my life. Please keep your head up and find pleasure in whatever you can, even if it's a freakin' cookie for the time being! (I've been indulging in sour gummi worms) :) Just keep going, and if you did something small today you didn't do last week, give yourself serious credit girl! No one knows how hard it can be to even get out of bed, so every step further, reward yourself somehow! Let me know if you ever need to chat.
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