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Even in my dreams, I'm an idiot who knows he's about to wake up to reality

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by The Thanatos, Nov 14, 2010.

  1. The Thanatos

    The Thanatos New Member

    Last week, my girlfriend passed away while recovering from heart surgery. I've never loved a woman as much as I loved her. I loved her so much that I cherished even what others would see as flaws.

    When we became intimate for the first time 2 years ago, I told myself that I should hang myself now because this is a dream & I will one day wake up to find it gone.

    Well, not only did she die, but on the same day two officers came to my house looking for me. I met with one at a public location to find out what was going on. I figured it was about a car that was going to be repossessed.

    Well, the detective sits me down and tells me that my GF has died. I told him I just found out. I'm confused. What is going on?

    He asks me if I love her. I begin weeping. Of course I love her.

    He then tells me that she's married, stole over $15,000 from her store's safe & they think the money may be stored in the car that she drives, which is under my name, so I'm a "person of interest".

    My world begins to fall apart.

    The detective is convinced I was just a victim and not involved with her crime. I give the officer permission to search the car and he finds nothing.

    The next morning, I meet her husband at the police station. I thought they were divorced.

    He's the nicest guy in the world. We share our stories and after several hours, we are in shock at how similar our stories are. She had a formula that she used almost exactly on the both of us.

    What she was doing was creating lie upon lie in order to extort money from us and her family who lived near her, so she could gamble and send the winnings to her brothers and sisters back home so they would think she was more successful than she was.

    We think she had Antisocial Personality Disorder. All she wanted was to prove to her brothers and sisters back home that she was successful in life & to do that she had to steal money our of her family & friends. She felt she had to validate herself to them to the point of psychosis. Her husband and I calculated that she took well over $100,000 between the two of us (5 years for him, 2 years for me)

    The lies were so intricate and well thought out that she kept her husband and I from knowing that the other was in her life & tricked the rest of her family. She appeared so innocent, moralistic, religious and thoughtful. It was all a front. She was clearly mentally ill, but there were no manifestations because she was socially adept.

    In less than one day, I go from finding out my soul mate passed away to being shown that it was all a lie.

    I knew I was dreaming when she was laying in my arms. I told myself at that moment that if I want to die happy, I needed to end my life because I knew I was about to wake up. I didn't listen to myself and now I'm fully awake. Now I want to end my life in misery, realizing that the woman who made me the happiest I've ever been may have never loved me to begin with. I do believe that she did love me at some point in the only way she knew how, but in the end, I was an expendable asset. She has no remorse for doing what she did to everybody that loved her.

    I am upset that I found out the truth. I want the dream back. I want to know that the woman who died is the woman who loved me dearly. The truth is too painful.

    Over the past few days I've tried to hate her. But I still love her dearly.


    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2010
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you have to go through something like that..it must be devastating for you....
    I hope you'll continue to reach out for support ...
    I hear how much you loved her and feel betrayed but don't hurt yourself over it
  3. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    God I'm so sorry.

    Being betrayed by somebody you love is the most painful thing in the world, and I am so, so sorry. No matter what was wrong with her what she did, you still loved her. Love is such a powerful thing. Perhaps she wasn't what you thought she was, but you still LOVED her. That is what matters and is so, so important.

    I'm thinking of you sweetie. PM me if you wanna talk.

  4. Suizide

    Suizide Member

    Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry man but she probably manipulated your emotions in order to be able to bend to her will. You need to realize that before you can move on.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is such a sad situation...I hope you know you did nothing to contribute to this and as you said, you were the victim...also know that the love you felt for her will return for a woman worthy of you...please have that as your goal...big hugs and so sorry, J
  6. The Thanatos

    The Thanatos New Member

    Thanks everyone.

    We still don't know what happened to our money. The people we thought were her accomplices turned out to be her victims in one way or the other. Nobody seems to know hwat she did with all of the money she siphoned from her husband and myself.

    But I'm not even concerned about that more so than I am in trying to see exactly how sick and isolated she was. I want to be able to see that she was animated by a sickness.


    Because then it's something I can work with again in my dream. Maybe I can keep the dream alive. We know after her heart surgery she isolated herself from everyone and killed herself once she began seeing that she lied her way into a corner she could not lie herself out of. Her web of lies were on the verge of being revealed to everyone & she knew the life she lived in for years was about to be destroyed.

    She was a lost soul. A victim of her illness. Alone. Confused. Isolated..... she killed herself.

    With that info, I can create a dream where I kill myself and be with her. Where everyone has condemned her in hatred for her acts, I am there to say it doesn't matter because I still love her with all my heart. And in death we will be together. Two sick individuals feeding off of each other for eternity.

    I would like that.

    It's such a struggle to stay alive. The dreams, the scripts that I play in my head, are incredibly powerful. They help me avoid reality.

    In reality, I die alone and in misery.

    In my script, I die with a purpose, with or for my soulmate.

    I cannot blame her for what she did, because I was willing to avoid the truth so long as she played into my script which her sociopathic illness allowed her to do. The script was ruined when that detective told me that she was still married & over the past month where I've been discovering the truth in doses as her husband and I investigate.

    I believe that suicide is destiny for many people. Nothing can stop it. The only thing that can be changed is the meaning that one attaches to his/her suicide.

    Hopefully I am wrong.