Even the professionals don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Insignificant, Nov 13, 2006.

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  1. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    I thought i would drop a line, because honestly my time is growing closer and closer. I would have to say by the end of this week is all i can give it anymore. i am not looking for the quick fix but maybe something, anything, that could indicate to me that life can be better. i hear people say it could only get better from here, or the only way is up, but i'm here to say this is not the case for me.

    i have been in the hospital for the past week. i am still currently staying there just out on pass at the moment. when i was speaking to my therapist today i heard something one would hope to never hear from the professionals. but honestly they are not sure how to help me anymore, but they have begun to see where i am stuck at and still unsure how they can help anymore.

    i must say i have always felt like a hopeless cause, but now it has become even more real than ever.

    I'm really sorry to have put any and all of you through this. it might just be better for me to remain quiet from here on out, unless of course there is some positive course of treatment that can be grabbed by the end of this week. if not then it's time for me to die.

    for those of you that feel u are just as hopeless why don't you try giving it thirty years like i have before you decide that is concrete. i never wanted to believe it but now i have come to just that.

    anyways i'm gonna go you all take care of yourselves. someday way beyond now i will see you on the other side.
     
  2. painfulbliss

    painfulbliss Well-Known Member

    hun i dont know what to say. im always here for you hun. and reall honestly postively hope it will get better for you. i want you to know that you can always email me whenever you want hun. and that alot of ppl here care bout you hun. i for one do. i wish you better luck than your getting now. :hug:
    im always here for you hun.

    love,
    silenttears
     
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Im another that cares about you. You mean so much to me and have helped me a lot, i jsut wish i could have done more. I pray you can find something to help you, a reason to live, a way to get better, or just something small that can give you a bit more time. Rhino, you are such an amazing person, your strong, kind, caring, thoughtful and one of the the least selfish or blind people I have ever had the pleasure of talking to. Thank you so much for all youve done for me, and i never want you to forget that Im here, Whenever you need me, or whatever it is you need me to do. Take care Rhino, and good luck. Ally _%
     
  4. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Hi Rhino,

    My name is Judy. I am 38 years old and I have been suffering with depression for most of that time. I am currently very suicidal myself. I currently feel as though there is no hope, my Dr.'s are not sure what to do with me either. I am tired of "feeling" like this and "thinking" like this. I had another session today with my therapist and it was like the others, hold on, keep trying, remember what has worked in the past, remember this is the depression talking. Blah, blah blah.

    There is no magic bean or wave of the wand that is going to make this battle easier and frankly, I wonder sometimes if I have the strength to keep fighting and believeing in a future I can not see. In other words.. I am in the dark cloud of depession just like you and I have no idea when I will "pop" out of it.. or even if I will, and all I see is an ocean of darkness. An ocean of darkness and land is a distant memory. I only have so many reserves, so much strength to keep lifting the sails and hold my course. My rations are running thin.

    I have a way, a means, and time. ... but not a will. My will is to be free; to stop hurting and existing and fighting and trying and hoping and feeling. And the lure of death tugs at me and the depression tells me death is the only course to meet those goals. That I'm not going to make it anyway, and that sooner, rather than later, lets just get this over with. Sound familar?

    We all have different reasons for being here but we all have similar thoughts and feelings we struggle with. Do you ever wonder about that? I think it's because depression is an illness. It's a very personal struggle but with universal symptoms. Cancer, for example, is a personal struggle with universal symptoms as well. Ask anyone who has gone through chemo and they will all talk about similar symptoms, thoughts and fears. There are different kinds of cancer and different kinds of depression. Yet, when we talk about suicidal thinking and urges we can all relate on a personal level.

    Yes, we feel beaten. We feel hopeless and helpless. There just isn't enough energy to carry us through the day and yet somehow we survive and make it to our beds at night.

    Take courage and hope in this thought: You are not alone. This is an illness. There are books and books, reasearch, sample studies, medications and therapies all devoted to helping us get out of this dark ocean. There are trained staff and support groups all dedicated to help encourage us to hold on. And there is documented proof and millions of recovery studies from people who have been in our place right now and made it to shore. It is a desperate place to be clinging to the remains of your ship, struggling to hold on, in a deep dark ocean with no sight of land. Your feelings and thoughts tell you as much. But can you trust your feelings and thoughts as truth?

    To be sure there are circumstances that have brought you to this point but do not believe the depression when it lies to you and tells you, "You can't make it". When it lies to you and tells you, "It will always be this way." or "Your a hopeless case.. the exception to the rule of recovery." Depression will try to convince you , "no one cares" or "they will be better off without me."

    It's not easy but turn your mind around to the truth. See depression for what it is, an illness that would take away your hope, energy, self esteem and life if you let it. Fight back! Go ahead and be angry at what depression has done to your life and what it's trying to do to your future. Millions of recovery stories tell us this; If we keep rying with the meds we are very likely to find something that helps. If we keep up the therapy are odds for recovery improve. If we keep trying to turn our minds from suicidal thoughts and do things that are self soothing, self confirming and positive for ourselves our persepctive will improve. If we eliminate and reduce the things that bring us down things improve. Stay away from sharp objects or stockpiling pills.. whatever the urges are try to remove those possibilities. Get rest, even if you need a pill to do it. Eat healthy and take walks and exercise.

    I know it's not easy when everything in your being is telling you to do the opposite. But when you see derepssion as the cheat it is it's like seeing though an illusion. The power that illusion has over your life is diminished. Hold on. Things are not as dark and hopeless as they seem.
     
  5. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i feel like i am beyond help anymore. and frankly why bother even trying it's not gonna help.
     
  6. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Trying is working and it is helping. Results often are not seen right away. Sometimes it's two steps forward one step back. Think of it this way.,,

    Life is linear because time is linear. ?? Let me explain. The past is gone, we can't go back. The present is the pen to the paper, it is what we have right now and what we can make of it. The future is waiting to be written. Sometimes it feels like we climb up and up and then fall back down the stairs. We climb up and up and then fall back down the stairs. It can feel like were never going to ever get up those blasted stairs. But as time is linear its more like running a marathon. We run and run and then fall down. We get back up and run and run and fall down again. BUT .. we are always moving forward, not falling behind.

    You are not falling behind and you are making progress. It just is too dark a spot your in to see how far you've actually come.

    Hold on.
     
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Rhino, I agree with what Luliby is saying - about going forward even when it doesn't feel like that. Keep moving, don't stand still - even if you have to get on one of those moving sidewalks where you don't have to put out energy to move - just ride the moving sidewalk. Take courage, please. YOUR LIFE MATTERS!:smile: :smile: :smile:

    love,

    least

    PS; if you're living, you're NOT beyond help. There is ALWAYS hope where there is life!
     
  8. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    No one is beyond help, just sometimes there are few people in the world that can help you. Its not until everyone gives up that people die, we will not give up on you, I will NOT give up on you. For all we know the answers might be right around the corner, and I for one are going to keep looking until they turn up.

    Take care Rhino, always, Ally _%
     
  9. Maw

    Maw Member

    I agree with this. Even though I do not know you Rhino, I get this feeling just from reading a few words you wrote, that you're a kind and wonderful person. Reading all those spectacular things that Allo said about you makes me think even more highly of you. You're a wonderful person and you're more than worth helping.

    I believe that one is never beyond help, unless one wishes so. I truly hope that you read all these things your friends here wrote about all of this, and think about it. You are not a hopeless cause in any way, you are only human as are we all. And with us humans, it's tough sometimes.

    But you have people that are ready to help. Ask a friend for a cup of coffee for example, try and grab a hold of something that makes you feel good. They are things that keep us smiling and trying~

    I'm sorry if I said anything that offended you, I only hope for your recovery Rhino... We are all here for you no matter what
     
  10. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    thank you all for your words of encouragement. they really mean alot to me. i will try to hold on to them closely. i had a good conversation today with the man who is the leader of this particular facility i have been in. it was encouraging to some extent which is a good thing. between the words here and the discussion today this has really helped improve things. i can't say dramatically but i'm catching a glimpse of something. i am still very sad inside. everything in me is telling me this is all pointless but i am trying to grab the moment here for whatever it is worth. something good needs to happen cause honestly i can't continue to go through this shit. i need more options for more solutions.

    anyways thanx again. catastrophe not avoided quite yet, but maybe something of somewhat good has begun, but then again i guess only time will tell. take care
     
  11. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    thank you all for your words of encouragement. they really mean alot to me. i will try to hold on to them closely. i had a good conversation today with the man who is the leader of this particular facility i have been in. it was encouraging to some extent which is a good thing. between the words here and the discussion today this has really helped improve things. i can't say dramatically but i'm catching a glimpse of something. i am still very sad inside. everything in me is telling me this is all pointless but i am trying to grab the moment here for whatever it is worth. something good needs to happen cause honestly i can't continue to go through this shit. i need more options for more solutions.

    anyways thanx again. catastrophe not avoided quite yet, but maybe something of somewhat good has begun, but then again i guess only time will tell. take care
     
  12. tabby

    tabby Active Member

    i love you rhino
     
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