Even this post wasnt' working *sob*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jameslyons, Mar 25, 2009.

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  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I am really angry at my family right now. I was sick and tired of the mask. So I put a comment up on facebook commenting how I feel. My mother called and asked me if I was still depressed....:laugh: My father and sister think of me as a failure, my friends see me as an incompetent loser.

    And that's fine. Because I am. Now a big reason for that is a struggle with depression and my attempt to get back into life. It's been less than a month since last suicide attempt and frankly I don't feel like functioning. :laugh: I really don't.

    So they have every right to judge me as thus, but I'm getting frustrated because I feel like they're ignoring how difficult this struggle to not cut up an artery is. And I always tell myself and others.."come on, you don't want to destroy your family." But now I'm thinking fuck them!

    Am I still depressed? Am I a loser? Well how about I do what I want to do, then you go about with the knowledge that for the past five months I was suicidal and then in March killed myself. Then you go about life with any guilt, if any, and let's see how well you function. :mad:

    And that boys and girls is classified as the VINDICTIVE suicidal impulse. The desire to kill yourself in order to punish others. But I will say that I'm really angry at them.

    I put the mask on all the time for other people. And whenever I don't have it on I'm treated like a manipulative asshole. :laugh:. It really goes to show that the world views people with depression as weak and pathetic.

    Fuck the world. Why should I withhold my hand to save them from the grief? This isn't a matter of revenge, it's a matter of doing what's best for me. They don't have to deal with flashbacks, they won't even acknowledge them. I feel alienated from my family and friends.

    And frankly I'm a bit pissed at society in general. I hate being inaccurately judged by people. I've lived 15+ years with suicidal impulses, constant. This is the seventh consecutive month of sever depression. I'm fatigued and tired now. So that I should break down now and be considered weak !? Fuck you. Fuck you if you don't consider me behaving like a proper man. Fuck off.

    People who live with suicidal impulses are pretty fucking strong and admirable. If you don't know what it's like to want to throw yourself under every passing car then you shut up! :mad:

    All I'm saying is family and friends' well being is dropping off my list of reasons not to kill myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2009
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Greedy sons of bitches! I really really don't give a rats ass about suicide survivors. Jesus have you read their dribble? "He didn't know how much pain he'd cause by his action.."

    Well one question:

    Where the fuck are you for my pain?

    I almost feel like they do deserve to feel all the grief and guilt and anxiety and trauma. I want to hurt them, because it's not fair that I have to feel this way. And it's their fault....or at least I'd like to say it is their fault.

    But I'm really angry at every last person on the earth who isn't suicidal. I shouldn't have to struggle with it. Enough said.:mad:
  3. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    im so sorry that your struggling with this :hug:

    you are definitly none of the negatives that you describe.. do you want to know something, your one of the most caring, sweetness, amazing , bravest people that i have ever met abd i really admire you

    im so sorry i wasnt about to answer this and help you with all this pain inside of you. i just hope that writing all of this down managed to help you in some way

    thinking of you, and am always here if you need someone x
  4. GabrielConroy

    GabrielConroy Well-Known Member

    some people do seem to miss the fact that the people around the suicidal person are often "selfish" as well
    this isnt my case at all but it sounds like it might be for you

    that said i hope this isnt a step towards death for you james
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Well then, at least you aren't angry at me! James, you helped me a great deal when I first posted my crock of shit about a month ago. We have a great deal in common (both struggling writers {what a crappy cliche}) and both with fucked up family members who don't understand us. My brothers came over to my house the other day (well, it's my moms house but I take care of her) and they basically ransacked my room, going through personal notes, my checkbook, anything they could get their hands on. They want to see if I'm suicidal and therefore incapable of taking care of my mother. What they don't understand is that taking care of my mother is keeping me alive. And while I usually don't post angry messages, "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" Send me a pm if you want and tell me if I'm not being helpful. I'm new at this, still learning and just starting to see the big picture (another crappy cliche). No wonder I can't sell my friggin script!:dry:
  6. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    James :hug: I totally understand what you are saying about your family. People don't generally understand suicidal feelings and living with them. My family are the same. Oh, no doubt they love me but, just because I smile for a day or two doesn't mean I am better.
    I have also been asked many times if I am still depressed :rolleyes:
    Don't kill yourself to punish them James. They just don't understand. People probably don't see you the way you think they do. You are a wonderful, warm, caring and gorgeous person who happens to suffer from depression also. That's all :yes:
    Pm me any time you need to talk.

    Love ya James, Keep your chin up love.

    Lea :hug:
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey James,
    I well relate to your situation with family..Don't let them be the deciding factor in your life and death battle.. Like you said Fuck Them..I have made my point clear with my family and they all pretend if nothing is said then everything is peachy..Or there the few who don't acknowledge i'm around because I am the crazy uncle..Live for yourself James!!!
    From what I know of you from your posts and replies you are genuinely a caring person!! You have alot of respect from your fellow members here at the forum!! I for one think you are a great person and if I knew you in real life I would be honored to be your friend!! Take care James!!
  8. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    Thanks Mand, that makes me feel better. :)
  9. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Jimmy. I'm not Quentin just yet. Though I do have a broken pocket watch :laugh:.
  10. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    That's ok. I have holes in my shoes.
  11. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support Mike.

    I'm sorry to hear about your mother, is she getting any better? :(

    I was thinking about your script. It's a period piece right? If so, Focus Pictures might be interested -- they're less invested in action/comedies. Also you were talking about an English production company and I know that the BBC does a lot of period mysteries. Plus, I'm not sure how well they work for people who aren't from the UK, but they seem to have a lot of opportunity.

    In addition, have you considered writing a stage play/radio play (for the BBC :tongue:) and then selling the movie as an adaptation. That may work.

  12. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Thanks Lea. I'll keep it jutting wayward like Rock Hudson.

    I'm sure my family has more sentiments toward me than I let on, but it's still horrible to think that the people who are supposed to be close to you , are incapable of understanding what you're feeling and have been feeling.

    For over a decade. :rolleyes:

    I'll keep walking along.

  13. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much Joseph!

    That's high praise coming from you. I've also been relegated to the position of blacksheep. They don't consider me crazy, just a lazy manipulative bum with no hope. I'm a cautionary tale to my younger siblings.

    And I can't blame them. I'd hate to think my younger siblings, or older for that matter, would have to feel like I do. Just I'd like some compassion for my state from them once in a while. :laugh:

    Thanks again Joe.
  14. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    My father:

    It's not the end of the road for you. You just have to decide what you want to do and then not half-ass your way through it.


    Yes, because I just couldn't decide. Did I want to go to New York -- a Manhattan apartment for $600/month--, continue woriking as a copywriter for an auction house, and completing my education so I could pursue that internship at the publishing house.... or be a host a Denny's? Hmm that was a tough decision :laugh:

    I tell you, I used to be such a bloody shark, :laugh:

    I'm still here. Regardless of what I feel or how angry I am at family, my nervous system always brings me back on track.
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