Even though I didn't really "lose" him, I technically did. Forever.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Jul 30, 2012.

  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    The person I loved and still love more than anything in the world no longer exists. Not because he's dead but because heroin took him away from me forever. Although now in recovery, he will never be the same again and neither will we. His personality has completely changed. First when he started using and now even more so that he's clean. I'll never be able to have the same person I first met, the one who loved me and would do anything for me. He's gone forever. And it feels like even though he didn't really die, he basically did. This drug is so evil and destroys everything good in the world. Destroys love. Destroys happiness. All I have now is his physical existence, but I loved him for so much more than that. And I know that in time, it won't hesitate to take me just like it took him.
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I would like to ask you, if you have told him how you feel? Have you told him, in the same way you expressed above, how you are hurt because of his decision to abuse drugs? How you relied on him, and needed him, and put your trust in him, and had it shattered?

    Have you told him how you are happy that he is healthy, but the change still doesn't give you back all of the disappointment you gained, when you placed your trust in him and had it broken over and over?

    It is possible to love a person, but hate what they do (hate their actions, but love them as a person in general). I believe what you said is rather reasonable, and perhaps your pain should be made known to this person you have loved. I just wonder this, because it really feels like you need to share your grief.

    That aside, I understand what it feels like to feel as if someone has died, but they really didn't. To feel like you just utterly lost them... and not even through a nasty breakup, they are literally just a completely different person. All those disappointments.

    I can imagine you probably planned some dreams around this person. I can imagine you had hopes, and expectations, all of which were crushed. I can imagine how hard it is to build new dreams now, that don't involve him anymore. I can imagine how hurtful it is to even try and figure out how to re-piece new dreams together now, and how sad it must be whenever you try... you are probably reminded of him each step of the way.

    Must be hard to trust yourself again, and others. Must be hard not to feel stupid either, or feel like somehow it's your fault too, for allowing that, or accepting that circumstance... even though he chose it, you must feel awfully abused by both him and yourself for having such a heavy circumstance in the past.

    It must be hard to feel like while he is moving up and getting help and moving on, you are stuck here...alone. And maybe you might even feel angry sometimes that he can be happy and just move on seemingly so easily...and you are still stuck in the hurt and pain, and betrayal of it all.

    It must feel hard, because you invested so much, and it seems like he really never appreciated you, or needed you like you needed him. You put so much in, and go so little in return, you got a punch to the heart.

    He chose the drugs over you, then he chose himself over you...with the therapy. It must feel like you aren't that important.

    I can imagine he has crushed many of your self beliefs, by making you question your worth, importance, usefulness etc... many times, because he never took you in, when you were there for him; and instead turned somewhere else, away from you.

    But through all of this, I am sure you have also learned that you have a lot to offer, and are amazing, and wonderful... and he is the one who is losing here. To sit here on this forum and still say you have loved him, even with the knowledge of such a heavy fault of his (drug abuse)... is such a very outstanding strength. To be that person who was willing to stick around, in the toughest of times, to try and love this person... your own self-sacrifice.

    It is his loss the most.

    Maybe he will realize that one day, but I can imagine you probably don't want him in pain either. I hope that you can see, that really what you have written, means that you got through an addiction too...his addiction, for sure. So I hope that you remind yourself that you have the strength to not let it get the better of you, and to still be able to love, and hope....and dream alongside such a sad situation.

    I hope that you can have the time you need to grieve properly. I hope that you have support in your own personal life, when you need it, for this grieving. I hope that you will be able to come out of it, and not be left a completely different person either, because you do sound just wonderful.
  3. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I have now come to the conclusion that it wasn't drugs that took him away after all, it was recovery. The drugs changed his personality, no doubt about that. But not so much that he stopped caring about me or anything. He lost some of his good qualities to heroin, but he still had plenty more where that came from. Then recovery came along and finished him off. And when I say recovery, I mean the cult that is NA. They brainwash vulnerable people who don't know how to live their lives without drugs and turn them into mindless puppets who can't think for themselves. And that's exactly what he's become now - a mindless puppet, courtesy of NA. I mean, even heroin didn't fuck him up that badly. I can't even express how much I despise them for this. I'm glad he's clean, but he's an absolutely awful person now. He was a better person when he was actively using, even.
  4. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean... but I still think it's possible for him to break away from that. My best friend back in high school, he got arrested and sent away for a while... and when he came back, he was so into his "recovery" that he avoided me and everyone else who cared about him. We thought we had lost him, but one day he decided to start talking to us again. The program he went through did the same thing - they tried to brainwash him and turn him into a different person, but it didn't work. In the end, his will was too strong to be broken. He came out of that whole process a better person, free from addiction but also able to regain his personality once he was free from the program.

    He may not be gone forever. It is still early in his "recovery" process. He is still weak and vulnerable to their brainwashing. But if there was good inside him once, I can assure you that it is still there, somewhere.
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I guess the program does "whatever" it can to make the person quit. I guess their objective is not how the person is after, but rather whether they successfully kicked the habit. Maybe a ton of lies, helps a person believe for a while that they should quit, and gives them what they need to pull it off. What they do with themselves or who they are after, is not really the program's concern?

    I can imagine it's hard for a person who is dealing with addictions to figure out which behaviours will fuel or will prevent a future addiction problem. So maybe for a while they play it safe too, by choice... before they are comfortable knowing who they can be, without fuelling a drug problem; versus who they cannot be (a person with habits that would fuel a drug problem). BUT, a person on their own SHOULD be able to figure that one out eventually, like you said with your own friend.

    Someone who doesn't figure that out, is obviously much more fragile, and likely gets by in life by holding onto others as their pillars, and by using others as their 'choice-makers'... people who decide for them, and tell them what to do... so they never have to deal with the responsibility or consequences of deciding for themselves.

    That being said, maybe the OP is dealing with such a person now, who when he was with her... used her as one of his "choice-makers"; but replaced her with this program. When the program is done, he will probably replace that again with something else... who can tell him how he should live, and what he should or shouldn't do...
  6. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Lol. I was definitely NOT a choice-maker for him. If he considered me his choice-maker, he would have stopped using drugs when I so desperately tried to make him do so. I did everything I possibly could and none of it worked. I was an enabler. He had control over ME because I was terrified of losing him. He was MY choice-maker.
  7. Well him going to recovery is just like a sream out fOr help, atleast hes trying, you never know whats reasons he had for taking drugs, maybe hes hurting inside and doesnt know how to handle it so he thinks the drugs will take hes mind of it, you never really know the truth unless they tell you themselves. Tell him how you feel and just being there for him to help him get back on his feet will mean more to him the you could possibly imagine, and things never go back to how they were before but you never know it could be better then what you had before because no you have both tackled an obsticle in life together and being their for eachother will be good help to both of you.
  8. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Yeah, it's way too late for all that. I do know his reasons for using...but that has nothing to do with anything. I don't resent him for it. I resent him for wasting 2 years of my life.
  9. TheEscapist

    TheEscapist Member

    I just came to this forum, but I have a question for you. Did you change for the better after meeting him? Did he impact your life in a meaningful way? If so, then those two years weren't a waste of time. It was a time for you to grow, to experience what love really is. And that is never a waste.
  10. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    That's not what love is. Love is unconditional and neverending. Our love apparently had a condition so it wasn't love after all. I wouldn't quite say he impacted my life in a positive way either because I am now a heroin junkie. I'm sure I was better off before.