eventually... I will commit suicide.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by atomheartmother88, Jun 5, 2009.

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  1. atomheartmother88

    atomheartmother88 New Member

    Hello, I am a 20 year old college student and musician. being suicidal is a big part of me, i recall having suicidal thoughts since i was a young child, I would always fantasy about stabbing myself in the stomach when I was young, very foolish because its very painful. My parents have no clue that Im suicidal only that im Bi-polar, mostly every night I will cry myself to sleep wishing that my parents didn't care for me so i could go through with it. But my pain and suffering has stricken me to the bone. mostly every song i write is about suicide and how life will never be satisfying. I'm afraid that the rest of my life will be nothing but depression and hate.... its been 20 years and theses feelings get stronger and stronger... I don't want help because it would only mean that I will live longer thus making me suffer more. Ive taken anti-depressants for about 8 years of my life and they do absolutely nothing. I am so emotional sensitive its sickening.. I take everything to heart that everyone says and I can't help it, someone looks at me wrong I wanna blow my brains out, when a girl doesn't seem interested in me i feel that is the highest point in my life. I cant do anything positive in my life, when ever I come across an opportunity to be happy, it shits on my face and I'm feeling worst than before. I look at pictures of myself when I was a child and cry.. wishing i would of died at a younger age because of what formed... an ugly piece of shit that cant do anything.... music and marijuana helps me cope, but its only a bandage that cant seal the whole wound... i don't wanna hurt my loved ones but what more suffering can i go through? I cant imagine myself being normal. But because of my cowardness i don't blow my brains out. Last week I almost hanged myself in my basement but i thought of what would happen if my parents found me in these state, i broke down and pulled the rope from my neck and cried....
    Like i said these feelings will get worst and worst, I just wished everyone hated me so i could go through with this.... what kills me the most is that I wont ever have the ability to do what I love doing because of my illness...
    but deep in my heart I know that suicide is the way for me, my future is a blur and I don't wanna be around to experience it..
     
  2. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    wow; i hear ya. I feel that pain, although I HATE saying that 'cause no one can feel anyone else's pain. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Is it always as bad? Are there ever any moments of relief? You don't want to suicide. I know you feel like you do, but that doesn't mean you do. Lots of people here, myself included recognise your story. It's all so "normal" for those of us who deal with this on a daily basis. We just have to try and keep trying. Some people have cancer and are happy (fuck I've prayed for cancer some times) so we have to keep trying to live with this? I dunno, sorry if this sounds shit but it's all I can say. My brother committed suicide 10 years ago and it has effected all of us badly. Any reason to stay alive is a reason for hope. Your parents love you, no? Feel free to pm me. I'm not online all the time but I will get back to you as soon as i can. best of luck... make small plans just for today. put off any decision until tomorrow?...
     
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Please read this site, then try and find the book. You're not a freak and not a bad person for being sensitive. You're just different, and you're certainly not alone. I suspect most of the people here can relate to what you're feeling to some degree or another. Reading the book helped me greatly. I've been suicidal since I was a child as well, and extremely overly sensitive all of my life. I hope that being here and seeing that you're not alone might help ease your pain some. There's really nice people here who do care.
     
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