Hello, I am a 20 year old college student and musician. being suicidal is a big part of me, i recall having suicidal thoughts since i was a young child, I would always fantasy about stabbing myself in the stomach when I was young, very foolish because its very painful. My parents have no clue that Im suicidal only that im Bi-polar, mostly every night I will cry myself to sleep wishing that my parents didn't care for me so i could go through with it. But my pain and suffering has stricken me to the bone. mostly every song i write is about suicide and how life will never be satisfying. I'm afraid that the rest of my life will be nothing but depression and hate.... its been 20 years and theses feelings get stronger and stronger... I don't want help because it would only mean that I will live longer thus making me suffer more. Ive taken anti-depressants for about 8 years of my life and they do absolutely nothing. I am so emotional sensitive its sickening.. I take everything to heart that everyone says and I can't help it, someone looks at me wrong I wanna blow my brains out, when a girl doesn't seem interested in me i feel that is the highest point in my life. I cant do anything positive in my life, when ever I come across an opportunity to be happy, it shits on my face and I'm feeling worst than before. I look at pictures of myself when I was a child and cry.. wishing i would of died at a younger age because of what formed... an ugly piece of shit that cant do anything.... music and marijuana helps me cope, but its only a bandage that cant seal the whole wound... i don't wanna hurt my loved ones but what more suffering can i go through? I cant imagine myself being normal. But because of my cowardness i don't blow my brains out. Last week I almost hanged myself in my basement but i thought of what would happen if my parents found me in these state, i broke down and pulled the rope from my neck and cried.... Like i said these feelings will get worst and worst, I just wished everyone hated me so i could go through with this.... what kills me the most is that I wont ever have the ability to do what I love doing because of my illness... but deep in my heart I know that suicide is the way for me, my future is a blur and I don't wanna be around to experience it..