Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Paxmason, Feb 18, 2015.

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  1. Paxmason

    Paxmason New Member

    I've considered suicide on and off (with an attempt that was stopped) for a little over 4 years. A lot of the time I just think about it because it's comforting to believe I'll be dead and away from the pain and sometimes I think about it because I actually intend to do it. Right now, it's a combination of the two. I'll do it eventually. Not yet. Right now I need to think about it because otherwise the mental torment would be unbearable, but unless things miraculously turn out well over the next couple months, I'm almost certain I'll be ready to kill myself then. I know how I'll do it. It's an unusual feeling. I've felt ready before, but this is a strange preemptive readiness. I feel empowered with an all-encompassing ambivalence. Unfortunately, I also feel all sorts of awful. Good with the bad, I guess.

    Just wanted to say this somewhere, don't care much what responses I do or don't get to it.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi Paxmason, welcome to SF. I understand your position completely and have been there before; getting through the pain via the knowledge that I can make it stop if I choose to. What I have noticed about this way of thinking, however, is that it is self defeating in a lot of ways. It is hard to genuinely work hard on a future you do not really intend to be around for.

    Keep talking to us here - I am sorry you feel all sorts of awful :hug:
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