I've considered suicide on and off (with an attempt that was stopped) for a little over 4 years. A lot of the time I just think about it because it's comforting to believe I'll be dead and away from the pain and sometimes I think about it because I actually intend to do it. Right now, it's a combination of the two. I'll do it eventually. Not yet. Right now I need to think about it because otherwise the mental torment would be unbearable, but unless things miraculously turn out well over the next couple months, I'm almost certain I'll be ready to kill myself then. I know how I'll do it. It's an unusual feeling. I've felt ready before, but this is a strange preemptive readiness. I feel empowered with an all-encompassing ambivalence. Unfortunately, I also feel all sorts of awful. Good with the bad, I guess. Just wanted to say this somewhere, don't care much what responses I do or don't get to it.