Ever feel like an actor?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jameslyons, Dec 27, 2008.

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  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    So I was doing some triggering behavior today--which apparently now includes eating lunch. I'm eating rice, arugala salad, a bit of pork chop, and some mango with orange juice. Then I take the knife that I'm cutting the meat with. And have to struggle for like ten minutes with the very strong impulse to jab it into my gut or neck.

    What the hell?

    Instead of stabbing myself, I just let the knife rest heavily against my chest. Then I spread the knife from left hip to right ribcage. The knife was dull, but really. What the hell?

    Now I'm struggling with the very strong desire to fill my bathtub and just inhale a few puffs of water and drown. That is so lame. All that bs I say about how sorry I am you're feeling down. Or "it's okay to feel bad, but you don't have to follow the emotion. Depression wants to kill you, don't listen to it." all of it---platitudes and bullshit.

    I'm really at the end of my rope--not desperate, just doomed to exist in the slightly suicidal/severely depressed category for the rest of eternity. Either I 'm really suicidal or just a little bit.

    "My dearest love (I'd write if I was married),

    You have given me more happiness than I could ever hope for, but alas, I now feel another melancholic cloud of doom upon my horizon. I simply can't bear the thought of another episode that drives so much pain and suffering through our lives. I have little hope of recovering in any real sense; survival does not cultivate life.

    I have no excuse for the pain I'm causing you or the children. I can only ask your forgiveness,

    James. "

    The shittiest thing is that I don't want to be dead. But I simply can't change my behavior or emotions enough to cause any difference. I am lost, and have been damned since the first suicide attempt at nine. I'm not going to hurt myself tonight. But I want to.


    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2008
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    You don't have to be a slave to your emotions James. You've said that you don't want to be dead, then don't let your depression run your life. Take control of your life and kill your depression. :hug:
  3. music_junkie

    music_junkie Well-Known Member

    I can empathize with the random urges - It's frustrating how insidious it all is.
  4. Satine

    Satine Member

    Hi, I had to click when I saw the title of this thread. I realise what you're saying, and I'm not sure what I can say to help, but perhaps the following will help. It's about confidence, which maybe isn't quite what you feel you lack, but whatever you feel you need more of, just substitute the word 'confidence' for whatever it is :)

    You know, I used to lack confidence and eventually realised that feigning it was the best I could do. Although I didn't feel it myself, others seemed convinced by it. In the end it turned into something of a game for me, to see if I could engineer an image that others saw of me in which I was confident. One day I realised that I almost was as confident as I pretended to be.

    I never have actually been that confident, but it's worth seeing the reaction of others who've been fooled by my act.

    I hope that that can help.
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