:nite: So I was doing some triggering behavior today--which apparently now includes eating lunch. I'm eating rice, arugala salad, a bit of pork chop, and some mango with orange juice. Then I take the knife that I'm cutting the meat with. And have to struggle for like ten minutes with the very strong impulse to jab it into my gut or neck. What the hell? Instead of stabbing myself, I just let the knife rest heavily against my chest. Then I spread the knife from left hip to right ribcage. The knife was dull, but really. What the hell? Now I'm struggling with the very strong desire to fill my bathtub and just inhale a few puffs of water and drown. That is so lame. All that bs I say about how sorry I am you're feeling down. Or "it's okay to feel bad, but you don't have to follow the emotion. Depression wants to kill you, don't listen to it." all of it---platitudes and bullshit. I'm really at the end of my rope--not desperate, just doomed to exist in the slightly suicidal/severely depressed category for the rest of eternity. Either I 'm really suicidal or just a little bit. "My dearest love (I'd write if I was married), You have given me more happiness than I could ever hope for, but alas, I now feel another melancholic cloud of doom upon my horizon. I simply can't bear the thought of another episode that drives so much pain and suffering through our lives. I have little hope of recovering in any real sense; survival does not cultivate life. I have no excuse for the pain I'm causing you or the children. I can only ask your forgiveness, James. " The shittiest thing is that I don't want to be dead. But I simply can't change my behavior or emotions enough to cause any difference. I am lost, and have been damned since the first suicide attempt at nine. I'm not going to hurt myself tonight. But I want to. :depressed: j--.