Ever laugh about it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dnh, Oct 21, 2007.

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  1. dnh

    dnh Guest

    Some very intelligent and insightful people post here. I can relate to many of your thoughts, perhaps you can relate to mine.

    I feel I've lost much of my ability to examine a situation critically as a result of high school. Four years of being in a sleep deprived state of due dates and life scheduled to the minute has left me feeling like someone who can process a task quickly, but without the ability to think or feel myself. I suppose that is the entire point: to complete the indoctrination of tomorrow's workers. People who do what they are told, when they are told, for reasons they don't understand. Individuals who do this better than others are rewarded with better grades, and consequently, a better education in college and higher pay check.

    The schools can take a person from their family at a young age and collectively mold their minds and behavior until they become adults. As jobs are exported around the world, the "competetive work force of today" requires an ever more expensive college education for even a job of mediocre salary. This implements a process of specialization, where a person will spend years educating themselves on the work they will do the rest of their life.

    But sometimes, after a very rare night of rest I awaken with a clear mind. Today was one of those days. I thought about the last few months of my life, the changes I've undergone and so forth.

    I started seeing a psychiatrist and was prescribed Prozac for social anxiety, as I could never bring myself to speak of my depression. My parents refused to fill the Prozac prescription, and so I stopped going. I had read about the drug, the harmful side effects some experience, and the often reported state of feeling "emotionally numb." I decided feeling emotionally numb would be better than feeling confused and depressed, but I was without a means to purchase the medicine.

    I started smoking tobacco, initially with friends. I know how harmful this habit can be. I just don't give a shit. I find the entire experience very relaxing. I don't want to live a long time and doubt I ever will. It's kind of humorous how the government and various interest groups have poured millions of dollars into antismoking campaigns, and how easily all of the propaganda fed into my mind over the years was tossed aside after one night.

    Furthermore, one has to wonder what their interest is in keeping people healthy. The public at large is not a personal entity. It is a resource to be exploited, and more so when their lungs function properly. People can't produce and consume when their dead.

    The urge to end my life has subsided, but I still find security in knowing I can do so. The fact I keep a portion of cash reserved to purchase the means to kill myself is proof. I find the fact comforting.

    And so I examine what I have to look forward to. I could create a career in perhaps any field. The problem is I find none of them interesting.

    I ask myself what do the other young people in my area look forward to? And so I look at how do they spend their weekends. Stealing beer, a beverage cheaper than piss, to get drunk for a few hours. Getting high out of a cut up Coke bottle turned into a water pipe.

    What a fucking pathetic lot.
  2. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    Firstly welcome to SF,I hope you can find some support here

    The world is nowhere near perfect,that is at the heart of why many people associated with this forum have problems, but why do you feel so bitter? What happened at your high school to do this?

    Globalisation is causing economic and industrial change and within that there are winners and there are losers but I do not agree that it is some form of mind-control exercise.Governments are inherently strong but within democracies can be defeated although if can take some time for this to happen.Contrary to what you may think, governments do have an innate interest in keeping people healthy as an unhealthy population costs them much much more than a healthy one

    Surely if you have been through high school,you can make your own decisions as to what medication you take to help you.Also no doubt there are many teenagers who act as destructively as you say but the majority do not..The majority are trying to do their best for themselves and keep on the right side of the law

    You are far too young to have the chip on your shoulder that you do,tell us what happened to make you feel like this
  3. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    I love this post. I don't think there's one portion of it that doesn't resound of my own ideas.

    Sorry you feel the way you do.

    G'luck working with it. You're free to PM me anytime.
  4. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I feel much like you you. I went through high school and college with only a pulse running through me as an indicator to anyone that I was alive. I've got a degree under my belt to show for all of it.

    But now I sit and wonder why I did it at all. The shit I am going to do (some empty job in a department store, military service, etc.) is shit I could have done without going to college and putting myself under $8,000 in debt. I'm not really interested in anything either, so I don't have motivation to succeed.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree that we live in a far from perfect world, a far from perfect society as well, but there are things that are good about it. In reality, there are many more good people than the opposite they just don't receive the same kind of attention. If there are things you really don't like about it, then do something to change it. No, you can't probably do it alone and you may not even be around to see the results. If no one ever tries then things remain the same. How did things get the way they are in the first place? Someone set out to do it differently and influenced others they were right. Those making the most noise and becoming the most visual in their campaign are the one that seem to win out. That doesn't mean they are any more right or wrong, they are just more visible and heard because others wish things were not so, but sat back and waited for someone else to try and make it happen. Instead of seeking out only the negative, search for the positive. You don't have to be a mindless follower.
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