Some very intelligent and insightful people post here. I can relate to many of your thoughts, perhaps you can relate to mine. I feel I've lost much of my ability to examine a situation critically as a result of high school. Four years of being in a sleep deprived state of due dates and life scheduled to the minute has left me feeling like someone who can process a task quickly, but without the ability to think or feel myself. I suppose that is the entire point: to complete the indoctrination of tomorrow's workers. People who do what they are told, when they are told, for reasons they don't understand. Individuals who do this better than others are rewarded with better grades, and consequently, a better education in college and higher pay check. The schools can take a person from their family at a young age and collectively mold their minds and behavior until they become adults. As jobs are exported around the world, the "competetive work force of today" requires an ever more expensive college education for even a job of mediocre salary. This implements a process of specialization, where a person will spend years educating themselves on the work they will do the rest of their life. But sometimes, after a very rare night of rest I awaken with a clear mind. Today was one of those days. I thought about the last few months of my life, the changes I've undergone and so forth. I started seeing a psychiatrist and was prescribed Prozac for social anxiety, as I could never bring myself to speak of my depression. My parents refused to fill the Prozac prescription, and so I stopped going. I had read about the drug, the harmful side effects some experience, and the often reported state of feeling "emotionally numb." I decided feeling emotionally numb would be better than feeling confused and depressed, but I was without a means to purchase the medicine. I started smoking tobacco, initially with friends. I know how harmful this habit can be. I just don't give a shit. I find the entire experience very relaxing. I don't want to live a long time and doubt I ever will. It's kind of humorous how the government and various interest groups have poured millions of dollars into antismoking campaigns, and how easily all of the propaganda fed into my mind over the years was tossed aside after one night. Furthermore, one has to wonder what their interest is in keeping people healthy. The public at large is not a personal entity. It is a resource to be exploited, and more so when their lungs function properly. People can't produce and consume when their dead. The urge to end my life has subsided, but I still find security in knowing I can do so. The fact I keep a portion of cash reserved to purchase the means to kill myself is proof. I find the fact comforting. And so I examine what I have to look forward to. I could create a career in perhaps any field. The problem is I find none of them interesting. I ask myself what do the other young people in my area look forward to? And so I look at how do they spend their weekends. Stealing beer, a beverage cheaper than piss, to get drunk for a few hours. Getting high out of a cut up Coke bottle turned into a water pipe. What a fucking pathetic lot.