Every Breath

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Sep 5, 2010.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    There are times when i can hear nothing but my own breath. Coming from my lungs, in and out of my nostrils. What am I breathing in? Anxiety. Fear. Pain. Hurt and anguish. Guilt. Misery. Its like a thick dark smoke. I can feel it in my chest as if it was scraping the walls of my lungs. It sounds similar to someone stuck in a tunnel or someone on a respirator. i remember this sounds well.

    A few years ago I drove home from work and there was a cat laying out in the middle of the street. He had been hit by a car. He was motionless. I thought he was completely dead. After I called the animal shelter to get someone to pick him up, I looked out of my window and he was gone. I went outside to see where he was and all of a sudden i heard this faint breath. Air mixed with blood. He was laying on the side of the street near the sidewalk. His head was swollen, and he had a compound fracture in one of his back legs. He was bloody and eyes swollen shut. I sat on the sidewalk next to him, waiting for the shelter worker to get there. All I could hear is just his last breaths. I pet him on the tip of his back. The only redeeming aspect of his misery was that it would be over soon. The worker finally got there. Picked him up, put him in the back of his truck and the cat was put to sleep.

    It symbolized my own life in a sense. How broken I am. How all people in my life do is rub me on the tip of my back. Tell me itll be alright. That theyre praying for me and God is with me. All the cliche stuff you tell people when you cant help them. And there is no hope. Shows how life can turn for the worse in just a split second. If only. What if. Thats my whole life. What if. How the only thing im reduced to now is just a faint breath. Ive lost everything. My mind and body is ravaged with pain, depression and anguish.

    Im lost. I cant see anymore. My eyes are swollen shut. I cant move forward. My legs are broken. Im bleeding to death. Noone cares. I want to die so bad. But I cant. Yet. The best i can do is just curl up on the safest side of a busy road and breathe. Unfortunately for me. Noone is coming to put me out of my misery. And I dont have the courage to do it on my own.
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi, Multipleman. That was a good illustration of what it is to suffer without anyone understanding. I want to let you know that I am listening, and that you are not really alone. There are many people who are in a similar situation. And there are some who do care. Unlike that poor cat, you still have years left to go. To stay alive there is hope. To die is to give into despair. You still have some fight left in you, or you won't be posting here. Part of you want to live, to be loved and to have your dreams come true. There are no easy answers, and sometimes things do not readily change, try as we may. But we do have good things along the way, winter turns to Spring, storms do pass, and roses are along the path, even it's just a few.
    We can't lay down and die and curse the people who try to offer you a kind word, or curse our own lives. We have to brace ourselves and snap out of the sadness, that habit that we have grown use to because it's the only shoes we're comfortable with. We have to toss it away, and to start to live again. No matter how small the start, we have to start enjoying something.
    We cannot live life mourning our losses all day long, but we have to celebrate whatever good we do have. We have to know what makes us feel joyful and hopeful, e.g. a good book, a dvd, an uplifting friend,
    a positive feature we have,
    a unique talent, the times we were successful and people admired us,
    the times life gave us a break,
    sunshine on a cloudy day,
    cool breeze aginst your skin in the hot summer,
    fragrance of flowers, lavender, lilacs,
    the gurgling sounds of a river,
    the waves on the beach that lick your toes as it hits the shore,
    the coolness of water against your skin,
    sleeping in bed warm and safe as the rain plays on you windowpane,
    singing a happy tune when noone is listening,
    and the relief when the thing that has weighed you down for years finally lifts.
    You are not alone.:hugtackles:
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    that was very well written and touched me deeply...

    Why do you think there is no hope for you?
    do you want to talk more about what's got you to this point?
    we're here for you.
  4. bowtie

    bowtie New Member

    Multiple Man,
    Your post is so tragically beautiful. Do you write a lot?
    I think you would be a brilliant writer, so creatively articulate.

    I can relate to the great depth of the depression and suffering you describe, and I am sorry you experience it so intensely and at all.
    I truly hope you can find some (live preserving) respite from the pain.

    Take gentle care of yourself
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    flower, I know im not alone. But we all experience our own version of hell differently. So in that sense, I am. There are people worse off than me, but able to cope better. And there are people who are just plain worse period. But im the only one that feels this version. Im not important. I dont even know if im really a good person deserving of a better life, or another chance. Im just here to whine and complain because I cant find my way out of a maze with no exits. I cant fix the mistakes ive made. And I hate myself intensely. So I rail against God and the world. No more than the ranting of an ant. But I know im to blame. Ive written a few threads here before. Same thing really. Sometimes I have to regurgitate it out somewhere. Like dumping trash. Im sorry.

    I have a very unique set of structural problems, both mentally and physically. Ive lost things I couldnt afford to lose. Its as simple as that. Its not a choice. Its never a choice. That cat didnt choose to get hit. To be on the side of the road dying. It happened. He wasnt gonna be chasing after birds again. Or playing with his friends. Running and jumping over fences. Or going home with someone who would feed and care for him. You know when hope is gone. Its like your breath is taken away. You gasp for hope. And you just kinda stare at yourself in the mirror, as if you were looking at a body being lowered into the grave. And you want to jump up and say stop, NO, I want to live! But the funeral has already begun.

    Ive never been admired, truly loved, or have any redeeming talents. I guess my problem is like someone trying to sit and watch a boring movie they hate and dont want to see. My soul is inside a man I dont want to be.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2010
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    but you do have a redeeming talent that is your writing you are a natural at it.
    you write so beautifully things some of us cannot express
  7. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Dear Multiple Man, I really feel I understand a lot of what you are going through. But when one has suffered long and that is all one has seen for years, one begins to develop a spirit of despair, helplessness and pessimism. You weren't born with that spirit, you simply fall into it, out of habit. Until, that is all you know and could relate to, you no longer see the roses or the sunshine, you just see the thorns and the clouds. And, believe me, sometimes life is mostly thorns and rainclouds for a lot of people. But it is not all that all the time. We simply start acting as though that this is all there is to life, when we know that things change all the time.

    But God made us with the power of choice. Though, we may not be able to lift the burden, we can stop to rest, help a friend, do enjoyable things along the way.

    Don't lay down bleeding and dying on the side of the road when there is life still left in you. Because life will pass you by, get away from the sidewalk, and start attending to your wounds. In time, you will heal. You don't have much of a choice, it's either. 1. Lay down and die, (not a good choice), 2. take steps toward life and learn to live again. (the only other choice, I see).

    Besides, you have a unique way with words. You are a talented writer. With all that suffering you have gone through, you'd have stuff for a great book.:hugtackles:
  8. CalifradMT

    CalifradMT Member

    If you only knew how much comfort that you have brought to a dying creature, alone and terrified, in horrific pain, realizing it was helpless - and then a human being appeared and stayed with him, that comfort, your being there, was immeasurable. Do you realize how empathetic you are? Do you realize that moment was so moving that it made me cry?

    Please know I so admire you for doing what you did. If you lived in my town, I'd ask you to be a friend. Not many people will go to the lengths that you have. I have done this as well, attempting to save hurt animals, and have watched cars and people go by without stopping, too busy to find room in their heads and hearts for a dying animal.

    Thank you. I feel you need to know how special you are.
  9. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    The spirit of despair. I dont know think anyone would doubt a spirit can be broken. I just find it incredibly difficult, if not impossible to fix. The course of our lives shape us. For good for worse. Depression isnt just a symptom for some people, its a way of life. Pills, therapy, counsellors, and hospital visits, just to heal the mind and spirit. Im sure what I see is heavily influenced by the trauma Ive been through. But its all I see. Life has never taught or shown me anything more. And nothing in my life changes. I always see darkness. I see it spreading. The sun dipped in black paint. Growing cold. Whatever it is, this decay of the spirit, it has really consumed me. I admit. Maybe im at fault. I should have, kept painting it bright orange.

    Im difficult. Im insignificant. Surprised people care what I write. Im just ranting. I have mental and physical problems that i cannot fix. And cannot accept. So I dont accept my life and cant justify my existence. I cry everyday. And complain about life. Its pathetic, I know. But why am I not healing? I always think about life passing me by. But I dont feel like im wasting away some great beautiful life thats around the corner if I just keep on hoping and fighting and dreaming. My life is never going to be beautiful like I dream. Im not sure it was ever intended to. Im struggling to just take it out of the nightmare that it is.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2010
  10. bmavxps3

    bmavxps3 Member

    I definitely know that "trapped in a maze" feeling. Kinda like you're already 100% sure you don't want to live anymore, but you're also 100% sure you don't have the courage to take your own life. So, existing everyday is like an excruciating punishment, one you feel like you deserve to go through, but you can't stand the suffering.

    So, after feeling that way for years, you humbled yourself enough to let a select number of people in on just a tiny bit of the pain you encounter every single day, and what do they tell you? "It'll get better" and "It's all part of god's plan". You might've believed that for awhile, but then years go on, and not only does the pain not go away, but it actually intensifies.

    You're sick of people lying to you, giving false encouragement. You've realized nothing they say can even begin to fix the despair that's consumed your soul. You've become excellent at describing your pain. You've written and typed a thousand little "depressing journals", trying to articulate the agony, and the worst part is, this whole cycle will never end.

    You're not so different, you and I.
  11. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Multipleman and bmavxps3, this is to both of you. Sometimes, I reflect on the pain of life, the constantness of the problems that never goes away. And seem to never get solved. It is the ones that hangs on and never changes that brings people down. The gray skies one feels inside, the old feelings. And year after year of the same old thing. That's real for a lot of people.

    But can a friend tell a suffering person, lay down and die? Can a friend tell a person to give in to his despair? Your enemy will do that. Never a friend. A true friend will walk with you along the way and help you with your burden.

    So much of our suffering is caused by loneliness. No one to share the pain with, no one to laugh with, no one to tell our day to, and to not have validation that what we feel is understood. To not be able to see ourselves reflected in some one who cares. To not belong to another, and to a group that is similar to us in mind. It's not the lack of material that makes us sad in the western world, but often the lack of people who care about us, and a sense that our lives matter.

    Therapy can only help so much, but we have to invite people into our lives, and extend ourselves to others. Often it takes just one caring person in our lives to make a difference. One person who could talk to about anything, or to share our lives with.

    For some of us, it means joining a church group, or do volunteer work, or joining a support group where you are with people with similar struggles. Neighbors can be good friends, because we see them everyday.

    Therapy, medication, money, things, and solitary hobbies can only take us so far. In the end it is love that we yearn for.

    Try caring for another lonely soul, and bring joy into that person's life.
  12. bmavxps3

    bmavxps3 Member

    Thank you for those words, that was a beautiful post. It helped alot and was so true, you're wonderful.
  13. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Yes flower, Friends or even complete strangers who care cant tell someone to just lay down and die and that there is no hope. I would never tell anyone here that. I couldnt tell a dying cat that. The obvious reason is because there is no possibilities in death. Even among the worse life, there is still a ounce of possibility of something. It may or may not be worth sticking around for. Im thankful for those type of people. Ive had a few in my life. They bought me time. Your a uplifting person and I appreciate your words. Your stronger than I am and I envy you.

    Of course where there is depression and tears, lonliness is not too far away. Lonliness destroys the heart. It rottens your soul. Makes your heart obsolete and useless. Its a massive void inside me that was always meant and designed to be filled. I cant change that. I can buy a puppy and join a church group. Its only been a drop in a bucket. Its just never been easy for me.

    bmavxp, My mind is like a freight train of negativity. I wouldnt recognize hope if I saw it. I dont think people lie to me. I believe them. I just dont believe in me.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    That was a great analogy multipleman. I guess in many ways we are just like that cat on the side of the road. Now, what if the story had a different ending? What if the animal shelter took the cat to a vet and the vet fixed him up real nice? He would still have to spend many months in recovery, but he would eventually heal up and someone could adopt him and love him. :hug:
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