every day is getting worse

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jane doe, Dec 4, 2006.

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  1. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i just started cutting 4 years ago... and it´s like an addiction now. i feel like i need it, like i´ll die if i don´t do it, my hands start shaking sometimes...and when that happends my dessesperation gets worse. i´ve started with little cuts and now are bigger...even creative, i have a scar of a cross on my left arm. and the worst part of this is that i want to still doing it..i don´t want any help i just want too keep doing it over and over again. Am i so bad? am i so insane?
  2. left behind

    left behind Guest

    you are not insane for the creative scaring, scarification has been around for hundreds of years.

    theres not much else i can say to you as i cannot stop selfharming myself, execpt i feel for you :sad:
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    what do you feel when you hurt yourself?
  4. left behind

    left behind Guest

    an overwelming urge to cry (which i haven't don't since i was mugged in a busy town center)many years ago.

    i cant cry so i cut. i guess im just emotionally constipated

    what do do feel?
  5. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i havn´t reasons to cutmyself.suddenly i get sad and the onlything i think about is that..is like an escape but from what? i really don´t know why i do it..sometimes is triggered by a movie or by an argument with my parents but most of the times i have no reason. And it feels so good, so relaxing, i feel satisfied.
  6. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    I am kind of like you Jane. I get something good and I feel really great about it. Like I got the gold medal in the Olympics or something. Then on the other hand, any little thing that happens (a cross look, argument, movie, sometimes nothing) then I get soooo depressed, and just want to lock myself in a room and cut till morning.

    Now, here is where we differ. Though I very much like to and want to cut, I feel scared about doing it. I'm scared of my wife finding out (which she always does), I'm scared of someone knocking on the door. I'm afraid it will hurt, or I'll go to deep.
    After I've cut I feel really good though. I love seeing the blood. It's like someone took a ton of bricks off my back. But when I start to clean up, I get paranoid again.
  7. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    paranoid is saving you, please be afraid, be afraid too much, because i feel like an addict, sometimes my hands strat to shake, it´s an awfull feeling, i can´t focus on anithing else, And it´s good to that you be scared of it, because the onlything i scare about is that i kill myself for accident, but i think about it when i´m fine, because when i´m cutting i don´t even think about it, it´s like i don´t care. So please, take care of you, and try to avoid it, because i my case (after 4 years of doing it ) i think i don´t have a way to get back
  8. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    Well, I don't know about saving, but I guess it is helping. I've been cutting on and off for about 12 years. There are many times where my desire overwhelms the paranoia and I've got the scars to prove it.
    It's good that at least your scared of dying. I'm not. Only reason I'm still here is because of my family. I don't want them to suffer like I am. So I endure this agony alone (and with you all here at SF).
  9. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    12 years? it´s been a long time. i´m afraid to die because i don´t want to leave the people i love just like you, and because i don´t want it hurts more that life itself. well i think we have a lot in common pm when you need to talk i´m here everynight at 23.00, take care
  10. lost eden

    lost eden Member

    So do I, & in hindsight I regret it even more than the straight lines, because there's no way I can pass it off as an accident, a cat scratch, etc.
  11. Bob26003

    Bob26003 Well-Known Member

    Jane Doe, hello. You don't want help? That must mean you enjoy misery, and that is a little coo-coo.

    I understand your reluctance though. Finding real help is a pain in the ass.

    I just don't like to see people who may not have exhausted their options going to such extremes.

    Good Luck
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