every door closes on me

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by nibler87, Nov 4, 2007.

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  1. nibler87

    nibler87 New Member

    hello,
    ive just joined ,im sorry that this avalanche of verbal dioreahh has tarnished this website,i dont have anyone to talk to , i didnt know where to go, or how to start, i've never really known what i was meant to do ,or how i fit in as a person , ive made so many bad choices , 2 years ago i went to uni , i lasted four months , my lecturer pulled me apart said i had no chance of going anywhere that i had no worth , ever since ive struggled to get a job , always bearing my soul at interviews and explaining myself whatever i try i end up talking about this mistake to them , desperatly trying to stay of benifits,i have over 200 rejection letters from jobs, i had to move back with my parents ,

    ive lost all my friends, they are still at uni, they laughed at me when i was on the floor (i tried to kill myself at uni but the rope broke and the second time i threw up) when ive told them what jobs ive gone for they took the mick ,this year i thought things would be better , i got a temp job as a park-keeper for the summer finally i was doing something , i felt of use ,i had a purpose and it was good , i guess being treated badly gives you better compassion but,last week before my contract was over my boss told me that i shouldnt apply next year coz i would never get the job , ironically she accused me of being to happy (what a difference a week makes )I also through myself in applying for a police community support officer job,because i liked working in that cappacity with the public ,subsequently although i pased the exams and tests at interview they didnt like what i had to say ,i put to much heart into things then wonder why it hurts when it falls away,I'm 20 but i feel like if this is life i cant take it anymore,on friday i went for an interview to put vegetables in boxes i couldn't even get that,I'M scared of how far ive fallen, it hurts just being awake my heart feels like its going to burst ,i cry when i lay my head on the pilllow and when i get up not intentially my eyes they just weep,ive got used to it, the only good thing i have is my car but i keep seeing myself crash as im driving along imagining, as i plunged in the river or impacted against a tree , i guess i dont want to see my 21st birthday next year , not that i can bring myself to end my life (whats left of it )
    I guess im hoping that something outside my control will end it for me ,
    everytime ive been nocked back , ive picked myself up to an extent ,i really do try but nobody takes me seriously , i get a lot of paranoia ,that they are judging me on my age ,my last boss referred to me as a child and at interviews they talk ndown to me, ive looked online and apparently young people are sposed to find work very easily ,why is it so hard ,am i always going to be tarnished because i dropped out of uni ,please im sorry for going on ive never let it out like this i guess ultimatly i just dont feel like im a real person , so in that respect im dead already,

    ive applied to volunteer for victim support services ,maybe i will find a use , some solice-i just dont understand why i cant get a job ,

    im here because im tired ,i dont want to feel this is my future , if anyone has any tips for picking yourself up ,id appreciate it ,
    do i need to go to the doctor? i have had counselling for a year,but i can see the hurt ive caused those close to me ,i cannot bear such consequences


    please forgive my ramblings,thank you
    alex
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hey. I totally understand what your going through. It' very hard but you can overcome it. I believe in myself and I know I will make a better future for myself, even if now things are not soo good.

    Have you thought about going back to uni? Having a degree does help out.
     
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