hello,
ive just joined ,im sorry that this avalanche of verbal dioreahh has tarnished this website,i dont have anyone to talk to , i didnt know where to go, or how to start, i've never really known what i was meant to do ,or how i fit in as a person , ive made so many bad choices , 2 years ago i went to uni , i lasted four months , my lecturer pulled me apart said i had no chance of going anywhere that i had no worth , ever since ive struggled to get a job , always bearing my soul at interviews and explaining myself whatever i try i end up talking about this mistake to them , desperatly trying to stay of benifits,i have over 200 rejection letters from jobs, i had to move back with my parents ,
ive lost all my friends, they are still at uni, they laughed at me when i was on the floor (i tried to kill myself at uni but the rope broke and the second time i threw up) when ive told them what jobs ive gone for they took the mick ,this year i thought things would be better , i got a temp job as a park-keeper for the summer finally i was doing something , i felt of use ,i had a purpose and it was good , i guess being treated badly gives you better compassion but,last week before my contract was over my boss told me that i shouldnt apply next year coz i would never get the job , ironically she accused me of being to happy (what a difference a week makes )I also through myself in applying for a police community support officer job,because i liked working in that cappacity with the public ,subsequently although i pased the exams and tests at interview they didnt like what i had to say ,i put to much heart into things then wonder why it hurts when it falls away,I'm 20 but i feel like if this is life i cant take it anymore,on friday i went for an interview to put vegetables in boxes i couldn't even get that,I'M scared of how far ive fallen, it hurts just being awake my heart feels like its going to burst ,i cry when i lay my head on the pilllow and when i get up not intentially my eyes they just weep,ive got used to it, the only good thing i have is my car but i keep seeing myself crash as im driving along imagining, as i plunged in the river or impacted against a tree , i guess i dont want to see my 21st birthday next year , not that i can bring myself to end my life (whats left of it )
I guess im hoping that something outside my control will end it for me ,
everytime ive been nocked back , ive picked myself up to an extent ,i really do try but nobody takes me seriously , i get a lot of paranoia ,that they are judging me on my age ,my last boss referred to me as a child and at interviews they talk ndown to me, ive looked online and apparently young people are sposed to find work very easily ,why is it so hard ,am i always going to be tarnished because i dropped out of uni ,please im sorry for going on ive never let it out like this i guess ultimatly i just dont feel like im a real person , so in that respect im dead already,
ive applied to volunteer for victim support services ,maybe i will find a use , some solice-i just dont understand why i cant get a job ,
im here because im tired ,i dont want to feel this is my future , if anyone has any tips for picking yourself up ,id appreciate it ,
do i need to go to the doctor? i have had counselling for a year,but i can see the hurt ive caused those close to me ,i cannot bear such consequences
please forgive my ramblings,thank you
alex
ive just joined ,im sorry that this avalanche of verbal dioreahh has tarnished this website,i dont have anyone to talk to , i didnt know where to go, or how to start, i've never really known what i was meant to do ,or how i fit in as a person , ive made so many bad choices , 2 years ago i went to uni , i lasted four months , my lecturer pulled me apart said i had no chance of going anywhere that i had no worth , ever since ive struggled to get a job , always bearing my soul at interviews and explaining myself whatever i try i end up talking about this mistake to them , desperatly trying to stay of benifits,i have over 200 rejection letters from jobs, i had to move back with my parents ,
ive lost all my friends, they are still at uni, they laughed at me when i was on the floor (i tried to kill myself at uni but the rope broke and the second time i threw up) when ive told them what jobs ive gone for they took the mick ,this year i thought things would be better , i got a temp job as a park-keeper for the summer finally i was doing something , i felt of use ,i had a purpose and it was good , i guess being treated badly gives you better compassion but,last week before my contract was over my boss told me that i shouldnt apply next year coz i would never get the job , ironically she accused me of being to happy (what a difference a week makes )I also through myself in applying for a police community support officer job,because i liked working in that cappacity with the public ,subsequently although i pased the exams and tests at interview they didnt like what i had to say ,i put to much heart into things then wonder why it hurts when it falls away,I'm 20 but i feel like if this is life i cant take it anymore,on friday i went for an interview to put vegetables in boxes i couldn't even get that,I'M scared of how far ive fallen, it hurts just being awake my heart feels like its going to burst ,i cry when i lay my head on the pilllow and when i get up not intentially my eyes they just weep,ive got used to it, the only good thing i have is my car but i keep seeing myself crash as im driving along imagining, as i plunged in the river or impacted against a tree , i guess i dont want to see my 21st birthday next year , not that i can bring myself to end my life (whats left of it )
I guess im hoping that something outside my control will end it for me ,
everytime ive been nocked back , ive picked myself up to an extent ,i really do try but nobody takes me seriously , i get a lot of paranoia ,that they are judging me on my age ,my last boss referred to me as a child and at interviews they talk ndown to me, ive looked online and apparently young people are sposed to find work very easily ,why is it so hard ,am i always going to be tarnished because i dropped out of uni ,please im sorry for going on ive never let it out like this i guess ultimatly i just dont feel like im a real person , so in that respect im dead already,
ive applied to volunteer for victim support services ,maybe i will find a use , some solice-i just dont understand why i cant get a job ,
im here because im tired ,i dont want to feel this is my future , if anyone has any tips for picking yourself up ,id appreciate it ,
do i need to go to the doctor? i have had counselling for a year,but i can see the hurt ive caused those close to me ,i cannot bear such consequences
please forgive my ramblings,thank you
alex