every morning

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Jun 4, 2013.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i take the train - walk to the next train - look at my office across the street

    that's when the pain really hits, the sobs try to force their way out of my throat, breathing becomes almost impossible

    the isolation is killing me - knowing that i have no friends, knowing that i'm all alone

    and my immediate reaction is the same - can't post it because it would just have to be edited

    i am so totally lost - at work, at home, everywhere

    walk the streets at lunch lost and alone in the crowd

    sit at home, ignored unless someone needs something from me - money, dinner, garbage

    why do i keep doing this? i'm not alive - i barely exist

    my heart is torn and empty - my soul is missing

    i'll never get it back
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't ever say never hun you will get it back with help support maybe even medication you will find that peace you are looking for hugs
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Just wanted to say I read and an sorry for the pain ... I do not have answers but but spent a 2 1/2 years in isolation myself even though I have a family and can understand to some small extent.... I hope there is a few moments even that your pain is less sometime today...
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    tried medications - years and years, multiple types - all i got were lies and side effects

    never been good at being social, making friends - years of long hours and long commutes left me no friends at home - i don't know anyone where i live - spend between 3 to 5 hours a day at home until i need to go to bed, unless i've fallen asleep on the couch first

    wake up by 2, maybe get more sleep until 4 - go to work, come home - everyone asking me what's for dinner - i keep asking why i have to be the one to make dinner when everyone else gets home before i do - then the evening battle starts - unless my wife wants to watch the same shows it always has to be what SHE wants to watch even if she's playing a game on her laptop - everything i want to watch is either boring or stupid - or she wants to take over the set and play PS3 games all night and multiplayer games are out because our playing styles are, shall we say, incompatible - then it's bed, alone except for maybe one cat, waiting for sleep to come so i can start the whole cycle over again

    the last three years have been the worst but until recently i had someone else to hold onto, who i could talk to about anything, who i could help with ideas, who i could learn things from - but that's over now and i'll never find that again

    wife keeps trying to get me to join some senior drum corps - i keep telling her i'm too tired, it's too far away, i don't have the breath to play a horn any more - I DON'T WANT TO DO IT - she doesn't listen, just keeps pushing and pushing
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Have you considered discussing the issues you have with your wife?

    On the side of isolation, have you got anything you could be passionate with and pursue as a hobby? I understand change may not be easy, but with the routine you have, it's not been working too well for you, so is it worth contemplating small changes?
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you don't "discuss" things with my wife - you explain things then weather the storm - even my daughters are starting to get fed up

    hobby would only create more problems - computer games are fine as long as i'm in the same room as my wife which limits what i could actually play on a laptop - don't really have the hand-eye coordination for a lot of the console games - anything else that would keep me out of the room would only end up causing more grief and stress

    used to draw, write, stuff like that years and years ago when i was in school but when i look back it it really wasn't that good and i can't do it any more
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    The person you'd least expect disrespect from is the one who agreed to enter into a marriage. This is a case of her attitude being selfish and manipulative, that you have to consider potential actions as wide as divorce. I'm not one for going down that road (my parents split when I was 12), but at the same time, you being restricted from being yourself is not the way it should be. Even if she 'blows a fuse', she has no right to order your life to suit her.
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    my parents broke apart when i was 10 but i would divorce her with no regrets at this point if i knew she could take care of herself - problem is i know it would hurt her and even now i don't want to hurt her, hurt anyone

    so i just hurt myself and keep it inside - no incentives to do it differently any more
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you don't want to hurt her. But what she's doing, how she's treating you on a daily basis, is hurting you. I truly believe that if you could find the strength to divorce her, you'd have a chance at moving forward, working toward a life you were happier with, with the opportunity to have friends around you that care about you and would support you. Not saying it would be easy or that everything would be perfect, because that never happens. But you'd have your life back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2013
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    have nowhere to go - no future to look forward to - without that, divorce wouldn't be a step towards something, it would just be another life failure

    may as well die
  11. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Seems to me you're being a little bit stubborn on the possibility that things need to change to ease the burden of the depressive feelings. You're seasoned on this site (for a bit longer than I have), but if you're not open to change, or trying things out of your comfort zone, how are you going to know for certain that there is no possible future?
  12. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you and I remind me of the twilight zone episode called "shelbyville". we both want to get off the train to a place of peace and happiness. i hope you find it.
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    if I remember the episode you're referring to it turned out the town didn't actually exist - it was the name of the funeral parlor that took his body off the train
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    maybe unimportant is right and i'm stubborn and not open to change - i don't know

    i'm not open to hurting people

    and no change has ever worked for me

    was forced into therapy and meds - that didn't work

    voluntarily went back out of desperation - that didn't work either

    tried changing jobs decades ago - no one wanted me

    now i'm stuck in a deadend with skills that are highly specialized - and no one wants me

    made friends online - they're all gone

    can't sustain any kind of friendships - it needs to be two-way and i just can't seem to hold up my end i guess

    divorce? i would have to keep the house so the kids would have somewhere to stay - should say i would have to find a house because i wouldn't be able to afford the current one anymore and not sure what i would even be able to afford once alimony kicks in - be lucky to live in a box

    wish i could build a tumbleweed house just big enough for me and hitch it to a truck - can't afford either of those things because as much as i don't want it, i will never be free of my son

    isn't that horrible - to not want my own son to be with me? He's 22, has aspberger's and ulcerative colitis - can't find a job, not that he looks very hard - it's me up in knots to feel this way because i know it's wrong - something broken inside that as much as i love him i can't handle being with him for long - but i can't abandon him and leaving him with his mother is a bad idea

    but when will i ever get my life back?


    hate myself so much - for being weak, for being stupid, for feeling this way, for being such a total fucking loser
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: just want you to know you are being heard. Don't call yourself a loser, you're not a loser, you are someone who is suffering..and the fact that you have made it this far proves you're not a loser xxx
  16. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    perhaps it did exist.
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    making it this far doesn't prove i'm not a loser - not even close - just that i've let people talk me out of following through once i've gotten started - twice - same person both times

    they aren't around any more
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know they're not around anymore, but that doesn't mean you're alone in the world or that nobody cares. I care, and I believe others do too. :hug:
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    they shouldn't - not like i'm worth it
  20. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you are valued here.
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