1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Every night

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by A1looser, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    every night before bed I pray I’ll die in my sleep, so far it has not been answered
    Beethoven Opus 127 likes this.
  2. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    We're glad that it hasn't... do you want to specify why you're feeling like that?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there @A1looser I am sorry you are feeling so low today. Would you like to tell us more about yourself and what sticky situation you are in?

    We are here to help, welcome to SF. You will find lots of friends and people who understand how you are feeling here,so open up when you feel ready, we're here to help.
  4. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    I feel that way because I don’t feel like I have anything to contribute to anyone, I can’t keep a job, I can’t seem to keep any friends and I feel like a stranger in a strange land most of the time
    The things I’ve seen and done haunt me every day and there is no one to talk to it about and no one around me understands my daily pain
    Beethoven Opus 127 likes this.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way

    You have inherent worth as a human being. You don't have to do or produce anything to have worth in life

    Do you want to say more?
    gypsylee likes this.
  6. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF, @A1looser

    I like your avatar :)
  7. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    Sure, I’m not smart, I am hard to get along with, I’m not terribly attractive, those are superficial yes but none the less feeling lonely around others is hard to handle

    I’ve never solved a problem, I don’t contribute anything positive to anyone I’m a broken piece of equipment the military didn’t want anymore and cannot be used for anything else on the outside, if I died tomorrow, I could count on one hand the people who would come and the ones that would be sad
    Beethoven Opus 127 likes this.
  8. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    It’s one of my anxiety photos, it’s hard for me to be angry looking at an otter in a boot
    Beethoven Opus 127 likes this.
  9. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Aww true that :) OMG I have an otter..

    Last edited: Jun 16, 2018
  10. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    Again no Inherint worth having to apply for socal programs to get my family heath care, can get an interview to find a job that would provide what I need

    So going to start praying extra hard because I know if it happens my family would be taken care of and I would not longer feel like a waste of space and oxygen on this planet
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I wish you could see value in yourself
  12. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    Except there is no value, I do nothing but use oxygen and burden people, my family could use the life insurance to move on, my dad could enjoy his retirement.

    I’ll hope my wish is granted before yours
    Beethoven Opus 127 likes this.
  13. Beethoven Opus 127

    Beethoven Opus 127 Well-Known Member

    someday we will find peace, brother
    may71 likes this.
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    That's how you see yourself, but you are seeing a distorted picture of reality. No decent person would think such a thing about you.

    What about seeing a therapist or getting some form of treatment? There's info about treatment methods in my signature links.

    CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) might be worth trying. You can even try learning about it on your own.

    The right treatment could produce a dramatic change in the way you see yourself.

    People who are suicidallly depressed typically suffer from an irrational belief in their own worthlessness or in the impossibility of things getting better.
  15. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    Reality is in about 2 weeks we have no money and soon no house and I will through my looser ways will make a wife and two daughters homeless, well maybe not I get enough from the VA to pay a mortgage but that’s it, no water, no gas, no food, no electricity.

    So yes the people who depend on me I have let down and been the major disappointment they expect from a looser like me. However I die tonight, in two weeks she gets my VGLI that’s enough to move on pay off and then sell the house for profit and get on with someone who isn’t the piece of shit that I am

    So I have called the VA for an appointment to start some therapy or whatever they want me to have and in the meantime I’m spending every feee minute silently praying for my death
  16. Ashley Fettuccine

    Ashley Fettuccine Well-Known Member

    Hey, @A1looser I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Even though you previously said that you could count on one hand the people that would attend your funeral and be sad that you passed away, those are the people that matter the most and care about you. You have a wife and two daughters you mentioned, and I am sure that they would feel extremely sad and heartbroken if you passed away. I think the same way sometimes, and I can't imagine what you must have seen and experienced in the military, but it's a significant first step that you're taking to get help from a therapist. I've felt the same way before where I believed that no one would care if I died, but I have siblings that look up to me and practically think of me as their mother. On top of that, this could be a chance to restart your life for the better. You mentioned that you weren't able to keep a job before, why is that? If that's the case, could your wife work as well or maybe your daughters could if they're the legal age to start working so they can help support the household?
  17. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are going through this

    You might want to try calling 211 or visiting 211.org. They can help connect you with a variety of services, including help with housing, food, employment, and healthcare.

    There might be some veterans benefits or other benefits that you're eligible for that you aren't getting yet.

    If your wife and two daughters love you at all, you'd make their lives so much worse if you weren't around.

    You may want to read justrob's thread about being a suicidal parent.

    At the bottom of his post, in his signature is a link (also linked here below) titled
    "Your Kids Will Not Be OK When You Are Gone (blog post from the daughter of a man who killed himself)."
  18. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    Well it’s happwning again, had to travel for my daughters national competition , this was all paid for before I lost my job
    Well today I’m being the asshole I am and ruining everyone else’s good time so again I’ll pray extra hard again tonight and hopefully it happens and they just leave me here so they can be be truly done and move on.

    Please lord take me tonight to your house and kingdom, let me release these people from their misery
  19. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Do you want to say what happened?
  20. A1looser

    A1looser Member

    So today I got my state Medicaid cards in the mail, the one thing I promised myself when I was younger is I would never be poor but guess what I the A+ number one looser I am just got myself exactly where I said I never would, so I’m about done, they don’t care and won’t care, they just want the money to live the lifestyle I can’t afford. Praying extra hard and then maybe I need to take a different direction FML