Everyday Is A Struggle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tyger, Sep 18, 2012.

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  1. tyger

    tyger New Member

    Each and everyday I think of ending my life. Suicide seems like the only way out. I am so confused about this life and have found that it will never change. I attempted to end my life about a year ago and failed. I seem to fail at everything I do. I feel like a burden to other people. I feel out of place when I am around other people...like I don't fit in. I feel like the odd man out. I feel like I am a waste of people's time. I am useless and worthless. I'm only afraid that I may not do it right this time even though I have thought it out and researched much. I self harm often for a variety of reasons. I am so depressed and yet try to pretend everything is okay with me when I am around people. I have had many ECT Treatments and am on many meds to help me, but I wouldn't feel suicidal all the time if this stuff was working. I have depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder...just to name the more prevalent issues. Life is so very difficult. I find everyday an extreme challenge and am very tired of trying so hard. My world is so dark and lonely.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun you are not as alone now ok lots of caring people here to talk to that can relate. If you meds are not working then ask to try the new ones There are new medication being developed each day ask for an add on to your meds abilify works for some Nice to see you reaching out here hun continue to do so ok so you know you are not alone hugs
     
  3. tyger

    tyger New Member

    Thank you for your caring support. It is much appreciated. I understand where you are going with the medications. I have tried nearly everything that is out there. I am currently on abilify, lithium, tegretal, and lamictal. I talked to my psychiatrist about how I have been feeling and she basically told me to get active. I don't think she understands how hard it is to get active when you are feeling so low.
     
  4. Could have been me writing that text. I feel the exact thing you do.

    God i'm lonely. Forced to be without social contact because of my brain. I'm a prisoner and the warden is me.
     
  5. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    What an excellent analogy you have presented. It fits me just perfectly as well. :(
    I am in a very bad position but my depression will keep me down in this deep, dark pit and killing off any hopes for me to climb out of it and ever begin a "normal" life like everyone else. :(
     
  6. J3nny

    J3nny Well-Known Member

    everyday is a struggle, there is no hope:depressed
     
  7. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Ditto, for me. The Parnate seems to have taken away the intensity of the agony that makes me desperately want to escape through death, but that is all. I still might as well be dead to the world. I wish I could get up and be active but I developed a neuromuscular disorder from doing an experimental treatment and my muscles twitch, cramp and spasm if I move around much. I have to wait another two months before I can see a neurologist. I feel like they damaged me and then just threw me away and forgot about me.
    If you are depressed and your meds aren't working you should read the Star D study, I posted over in Mental Health articles as this is the general protocol that a pdoc will go through in trying different things. I have tried most of them and more as well. Mostly though I have a problem with intolerance to meds. If I can tolerate a higher dose of Parnate, at least 20 mg as that is the minimum effective dose in most people, I might get better, but I have to titrate up very, very slowly to minimize development of side effects.
     
  8. RenoBill

    RenoBill Active Member

    Wow tyger, I could have written that about myself. Sorry to hear you're so down, but you're certainly not alone. And the other replies indicate that as well. I try to be active, go out and volunteer, but with the anxiety/depression and the associated muscle tension and aches, it's really hard to get motivated to do it. I can't go to the gym right now because my shoulder is injured, thinking the anxiety probably contributed. I try to exercise at home. It's tough trying to connect with and make friends with people in the first place, but when the anxiety/depression has you feeling like shit, who wants to be around you?
     
  9. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry.
    I'm struggling in every sense of the word and I can relate to a lot of what you said.

    Hope things get better for you.
     
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