Everyday makes me want to cry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ninetales, Sep 18, 2016.

  1. Ninetales

    Ninetales New Member

    I hate for this post to come across as attention seeking, but I am at a point where I really could use some support.

    I have really been struggling A LOT lately. I started my career as a teacher this August, and after about 2 weeks it all started to hit me like a ton of bricks. As a first year teacher they have decided that I am going to teach an AP class in a content I am not certified in as well as take this course that allows it to count as an AP class.

    I am so overwhelmed. I go to work, I come home, and I work until bed. I then rinse and repeat. I am only an hour away from my friends and family and yet I feel so alone. On top of all this I have started questioning my gender identity which will go over so well here in the south. It has gotten to the point that I cry every night and it want to give up. I then start to think about my mom and how much she has invested into helping me get my degree and help me get into and furnish my own apartment and it makes me feel terrible how much I hate my life right now because she put so much in and I feel like if I fail at this I will be dissappoining her.

    I have set an appointment with a therapist, but everyday I still hate myself, I hate how unhappy I am, I hate how hard life is, I hate feeling like I have made the wrong decision for a career. I often think to myself "If life is going to be this hard all the time I should just end it" ( I have NO plans or intent of actually ending my life), but it often crosses my mind. I just don't have the stength to be strong anymore.

    I appreciate you hearing me out.
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome Ninetales. Sorry you are having such a difficult time. I always have such admiration for teachers. It is a hard and under appreciated career. Especially these days when so many kids have absolutely no respect for teachers. I have no idea what AP is, so hopefully you can enlighten me on that. But it does sound like they are dumping a lot on a new teacher. Can you talk to the powers that be to see if a change can be made, or if a more experienced teacher can mentor you through this first year. You must have had a good reason for pursuing teaching. I would had to see you give it up because of one bad experience.

    What has made you start questioning your gender identity. I can see where that would be a problem in the south. Would moving north be a possibility for you? Check out the northern states for those that need teachers. We are a lot more open up here regarding gender identity.

    Best of luck with your therapist. I do hope it helps. I hope you can stop hating yourself and find the happiness you deserve.
    Thauoy and Frances M like this.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. I appreciate that you are hurting but you have worked so hard to achieve your dream job. Yes, it's hard but sometimes you just have believe in yourself to achieve your dream. As you have started, surely there is a mentor system in the school. I would ask if they can give your a mentor. Looking from the outside it might be a testing scenario of "sink or swim". When you are put in that of situation sometimes you have no choice but try to "swim".

    Also, you must belong to a union and see if the union has support lines for moral support. You need to kinder to yourself as you working very hard on your career but you need time for yourself to wind down from the gruelling "day to day" working environment. Do you have a hobby you can take up just to help you to relax. Trying find to the balance between work and personal is hard but is achievable.

    In terms of you gender crisis, that is something we can help you with but coming out will have an impact but let's deal with one thing at a time. As SillyOldBear, says we an open community and willing to listen to your issue. You are no longer alone my friend as we want to help you to overcome this tough time. You have been every open to us, so just think somewhere in the world does care about YOU.

    You will not be a disappointment to your mother. Speak to your mother and explain to her what's happening at work. As she cares for you she will be understanding with the work situation. The gender issue is a personal but like I have said before let's deal with the work situation first.

    You are hurting but please I hope these words give you some comfort. Take care and keep posting here.