everyday suicide

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by glass_samurai, Nov 23, 2007.

  1. glass_samurai

    glass_samurai Member

    I can't believe I'm actually writing this...

    Obviously, I'm new here. I've been depressed most of my life and suicidal part of it. Sometimes you reach a point where you have nowhere else to go - maybe that's why I'm here, when there are no friends left, no outlet left. I've been journaling but frankly, talking to myself just makes it worse, it underlines the loneliness I'm in, and I hardly need that. I'm already self-centered enough, trapped inside, unable to reach out.

    I know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling, not sure it changes anything though. What does? Does anything help? I'm not sure. The only way to communicate I know is through writing, my voice is gone. I can't talk. Growing up, I just felt ashamed of who I was, tried to please everyone, and after years of doing that, I hardly know who I am anymore. I never know what to say. I never know what to feel - or plainly what I feel, what I want, what I need, what my purpose is. Nothing but confusion remains. It seems like I'm already dead, because when I look inside there's nothing there. I'm a ghost, and it seems too late to change the road I'm on.

    There are so many ways to commit suicide. I commit suicide every day by the way I live. Not that I cut or burn myself, I'm just lost in the flow, going in circles, I wait for life to pass me by, I wait for death. I'm a spectator, watching myself from the outside, wondering - is this real? It all seems like a dream. Give me a cause to die for, anything but this emptiness that is worse than death. I guess I'm a just typical disillusionned child of the Western world. I just wish I could wake up from this.

    As for the purpose of this post, I don't know it myself.
  2. Starsha

    Starsha Member

    There doesn't need to be a purpose to your post, but, it sounds to me that you just need to find someone to talk to and to know you are truly not alone.

    I'm sorry for your hard times/feelings... perhaps seeking help might make things work a bit better in your head, just a thought.

    Take care of yourself.

  3. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    I did that too for quite a while. Eventually I realized there was no benefit to it, so I stopped trying to please everyone. I still do it sometimes though, because I hate hurting people. But if I don't want to do what they want me to do, and they feel hurt by my refusal to do it, it's not really my fault. It's their own fault. Knowing that helps...

    I don't know if this will help, but it may be worth a try...

    It's never too late. It's just hard to know where to start... but anywhere is good. Anything that's different from what you're doing now should at least help. If it doesn't work, then try something else again. Keep trying until you find something better. Don't give up :)
  4. glass_samurai

    glass_samurai Member


    Thank you both for replying. Obviously, it's taken me forever to reply; it doesn't mean I didn't care about your responses, I've just been struggling with coming back here. I know how important these forums are for people going through a crisis and who need help. For me it's different, I've been here before, other forums, psychiatrists, suicide attempts, mental hospitals. This was some years ago. I don't feel I've made much progress really, even though time has been flying. In short I feel like I've been wasting your time.

    The only source of inspiration that has made me feel something anywhere close to hope has been the work of Alice Miller. She describes the alienation to oneself I'm so familiar with. I'm not sure how to replace that "fake self" with the real one - if it exists. I'm trying to reconnect with the original feelings I've been through as a child but it's difficult so far. I think there lies the key, all those repressed feelings have to make their way out somehow. Depression is running away from them. AT least I think that's true for me. Thanks for listening..
  5. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    It definitely exists. I think a lot of cases of "fake self" come about when people ignore their feelings or try to pretend they feel different than what they really do. Eventually they get into the habit of doing it without noticing, and then they don't know how to go back to how they were. That's what happened to me, anyway. I managed to snap out of it, and now I make a point to never ever ever EVER lie to myself... 'cause that's how it starts.

    I'm not sure exactly how I snapped out of it. I think I just got so annoyed with the way I was feeling about everything that I just went "screw this" and ... just stopped. Handbrake turn. I knew what the source of the problem was, so it wasn't so hard to do. I just had to stop caring more about what other people wanted me to do, than what I wanted to do.