Discussion in 'After Effects' started by bbak, Oct 20, 2012.

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  1. bbak

    bbak Member

    The day that I woke up from my attempt changed my life. The person I told ended up signing papers to send me to a mental health facility. From that day on and the events that happened to me in the weeks to follow; I learned that I can't really tell people what I am feeling or struggling with. This has made the last 10 years very difficult for me.

    I actually tried to end things 10 years ago last month. Time goes on and people around you that know about what happened seemed to think everything is better. What they don't realize is that I have thought about that day SO often. For me it wasn't a feeling or a pain that went away. If anything my heart ached even more and I felt more lost then ever.

    In the last few months I have be contemplating ending things again. I don't feel that I can reach out to people, so I have tried to use the online route. I don't want to hear that everything will be okay...I just hope that I am not alone in feeling what I have felt and gone through.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not alone hun but if you are going down that route again you need to stop and go get some help There is no shame in trying to get strong again. You suicidal ideation is just that ok and with elp you can get that to change. Talk to someone be open be honest and get the help you need to find a peace inside. I am sorry you have struggled all alone with this for years I am glad you are reaching out here hun keep reaching out ok keep talking here and you will see you are not so alone at all hugs
  3. Aria11

    Aria11 Member

    Hi bbak,

    You are not alone at all, so many people out there feel the same way. I have been through a traumatic experience myself. I am bipolar you see so I swing from mania to depression. When I was manic less than one year ago, I got hospitalized after getting arrested by the cops for destroying a car and I dont remember any of it. You know in movies how some people are delcared temporarily insane, that is me. I do remember the events that led to the arrest and the arrest itself just not the car destroying. I was treated so badly in that hospital. I was tied up and locked in a dark room (my worst fear) for a day. Nurses were horrible, they would not give me my clothes and had me wear this disgusting white robe.. Just like you, I have been through trauma (it was my second time in there).. The first time was at a better facility but a drug addict kept breaking into my room while I sleep at night and sometimes stealing things! Security were always catching him in girls rooms, horrible....
    If I sit and remember the series of unfortunate events, I would probably attempt suicide myself, in fact 20% of Bipolars do kill themselves.
    But I don't. With the help of meds and a good therapist, I am a realistic optimist now. You need to get professional help and believe that you will be over this and trust me, you will. People don't know how to deal with us when we are depressed, it is hard to reach out to them because they don't understand. It is great you are here and reaching out to people who do understand. We will be there for you.
    The way I deal with my past trauma is that I simply convinced myself that my past does not define me. I imagined putting it in a gym bag and dumping it in the deepest ocean. I rarely talk or think about it. When you find yourself thinking about the past, stop. Think about anything else! I daydream a lot, think about fantasies I have, dreams, some are realistic, some not but it keeps my mind focused on something that makes me happy rather than my past which I can't change so why even waist mental energy thinking about it... done, dead, gone.
    Once you feel better after hopefully seeking professional help, try to get a grip of your life by listing the things that you would like to change and how you want to change them (you will feel more in control). Set goals. Baby steps, you will get there... Life is not meant to be easy, if it were we'd be bored to tears. It is also not meant to be as hard as it is for you now. Start by seeking help and things will unfold from there.. If you need to talk, need advice, you can private message me.
    Don't attempt anything, please stay safe.
  4. Hollyx3x

    Hollyx3x New Member

    suicide is not about feeling bad or bad days, suicide is not seeing any tomorrows and being happy with that.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I can assure you that you are certainly not the only one to feel this way. After 10 years, what has brought you back to the stage of feeling suicidal again?
  6. bbak

    bbak Member

    This feeling of never feeling that place that I will truly belong.I talk to other people and they don't have this lack of belonging feeling. I have felt this my entire life and I am so so tired. I can't keep feeling this way. The one thing that baffles me is why someone can die unexpectedly. That person could have a family and a desire to live and they tragically die, and then there is someone that prays to just be done and they can't just have that unexpected death. I am just 28 years of tired and I can do another 28 years if they are like this.
  7. J58

    J58 Member

    Okay, so what if we are going down that road, and we get help, and after 35+ years nothing changes?? Despite medication, despite therapy, despite hospitalization - nothing changes?/???? Does anyone else deal with this? Is this as good as the situation gets? I spend most days on auto-pilot. I tell people what they want to here. I don't remember a lot of what I do. I maintain a job. I come home and stare at walls. I wait until morning, go back to work. Then, once in while, I take a trip, do some crazy stuff to control - alt- delete my mind. That lasts about 72 hours, then I start the whole process over again. There is always someone around to tell me it will get better.

    For once, I would love to have the people with the advice do the work, so I could see what they mean when they tell me "it will get better". How? When? AFter 35 years,I'm still waiting. When is the getting better part? Please explain.

    Deaith will be such a blessing.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can belong here hun make new friends here talk to us Lots of kind people here that do understand hun You are not alone now ok hugs
  9. always_naive

    always_naive Member

    I feel exactly like J58. I probably have had only one good year in the last 10 years. I kept fighting even I didn't feel like to. Tried to be positive and think there must be something worth fighting for. What is the result? More difficulties, bigger blows, worse heart-breaking situations. I am severely depressed again. Thinking my next 10 years are more or less the same, I don't see the point of living.
  10. bbak

    bbak Member

    I feel the same fresh_p. If the last x number of years has been one way, and I have tried so many things to try and change it all but none of it has worked, then why would I think that the next x number of years would be any different. That puts a weight on my heart...that I really dont want to carry.
  11. lampoonland

    lampoonland Account Closed

    I feel very much the same.You are not alone in your feelings and perception of things,although I know you feel it.I do too.
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