I wake up disappointed I woke up. Every. Single. Day. I really don't want to exist anymore. I am sure that's a pretty common feeling. The scariest thing is, I am not afraid to die, but I am petrified of doing it myself. I don't want to risk failing. I turned 40 this year. I am female and single. Never married, no children. And probably will be that way for life. I am over $100k in debt due to student loans and medical bills and I live with my parents. I can't afford to move out anymore. I was saving for a house, then got laid off, then had a medical bill that insurance refused to pay. I have serious medical issues I can't take care of because I don't have insurance or the money to pay for any medical expenses. I have debilitating headaches that cause mini-strokes and the pain is unbearable. I lost my uncle last week and I wished and prayed that I could trade places with him. I always thought God takes the wrong people. Now I don't even believe there IS a God. How can a God let so much suffering go on and on... I don't have an ounce of faith left. In the last year I fell in love, got pregnant, got cheated on, and miscarried (for the third time in my life). The one thing I wanted most in my life was my own family. My parents remind me on a daily basis what a screw-up I am, what a burden I am, how I never do anything right, how I am good for nothing. They treat me like I am 12 years old. Literally, they try to tell me to go to my room, or try to ground me. FFS - I am 40 years old and I have to report my every move to them. I don't have the money to do anything or go anywhere, but when I happen to buy something for myself, my mother judges and criticizes until I feel like throwing up or walking in front of a bus. I work my ass off at work, for crap pay, but the only thing acknowledged is the stuff I make mistakes on. And then I am told I make too much money for what I do. (I make below the poverty level.) I send out resumes on a daily basis but never hear back. I feel like everything I do, everything I touch, I screw up. I cry EVERY DAY. I am on anti-depressants that don't seem to work anymore. I am a chronic insomniac. Even with sleeping pills. I am Good Luck Chuck (Movie). I live Murphy's Law. Nothing good ever happens to me, and when (once in a blue moon) it does, something happens to make it all fail. I am a walking disaster. I don't feel like I have anything in my life worth living for. There is no doubt in mind that my family would be better off without me. I have no one to talk to. No one to support me. People used to think I over-exaggerated the crap stuff that happens to me, until they see it for themselves. I have no doubt I have been cursed in some way. I am sick and tired of people telling me I have to think happy thoughts to have good things happen to me. Who the frick do I look like, Tinkerbell? Where the hell is my fairy dust in that case? How does one think happy thoughts when nothing good ever happens to them? I am sick and tired of people telling me things could be worse and I should be grateful, and that I am selfish and self-absorbed. Too bad, so sad that those are the people who are self-absorbed and have NO CLUE what depression is or what it means. I really don't want to live anymore. I am dead and empty inside and I am tired of living an empty life.