Everyday...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dead_soul, Nov 5, 2012.

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  1. dead_soul

    dead_soul New Member

    I wake up disappointed I woke up. Every. Single. Day.

    I really don't want to exist anymore. I am sure that's a pretty common feeling.
    The scariest thing is, I am not afraid to die, but I am petrified of doing it myself.
    I don't want to risk failing.

    I turned 40 this year. I am female and single. Never married, no children. And probably will be that way for life.
    I am over $100k in debt due to student loans and medical bills and I live with my parents.
    I can't afford to move out anymore. I was saving for a house, then got laid off, then had a medical bill that insurance refused to pay.
    I have serious medical issues I can't take care of because I don't have insurance or the money to pay for any medical expenses.
    I have debilitating headaches that cause mini-strokes and the pain is unbearable.

    I lost my uncle last week and I wished and prayed that I could trade places with him.
    I always thought God takes the wrong people. Now I don't even believe there IS a God.
    How can a God let so much suffering go on and on... I don't have an ounce of faith left.

    In the last year I fell in love, got pregnant, got cheated on, and miscarried (for the third time in my life). The one thing I wanted most in my life was my own family.
    My parents remind me on a daily basis what a screw-up I am, what a burden I am, how I never do anything right, how I am good for nothing.
    They treat me like I am 12 years old. Literally, they try to tell me to go to my room, or try to ground me. FFS - I am 40 years old and I have to report my every move to them.
    I don't have the money to do anything or go anywhere, but when I happen to buy something for myself, my mother judges and criticizes until I feel like throwing up or walking in front of a bus.
    I work my ass off at work, for crap pay, but the only thing acknowledged is the stuff I make mistakes on. And then I am told I make too much money for what I do. (I make below the poverty level.)
    I send out resumes on a daily basis but never hear back.

    I feel like everything I do, everything I touch, I screw up. I cry EVERY DAY.
    I am on anti-depressants that don't seem to work anymore.
    I am a chronic insomniac. Even with sleeping pills.

    I am Good Luck Chuck (Movie).
    I live Murphy's Law.
    Nothing good ever happens to me, and when (once in a blue moon) it does, something happens to make it all fail.
    I am a walking disaster.

    I don't feel like I have anything in my life worth living for.
    There is no doubt in mind that my family would be better off without me.
    I have no one to talk to. No one to support me.

    People used to think I over-exaggerated the crap stuff that happens to me, until they see it for themselves.
    I have no doubt I have been cursed in some way.

    I am sick and tired of people telling me I have to think happy thoughts to have good things happen to me.
    Who the frick do I look like, Tinkerbell? Where the hell is my fairy dust in that case?
    How does one think happy thoughts when nothing good ever happens to them?
    I am sick and tired of people telling me things could be worse and I should be grateful, and that I am selfish and self-absorbed.
    Too bad, so sad that those are the people who are self-absorbed and have NO CLUE what depression is or what it means.

    I really don't want to live anymore.
    I am dead and empty inside and I am tired of living an empty life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2012
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    We are always here to listen and provide what support we can for you. Sometimes with faced with so many problems at once or in close succession you need to step back and decide what one is most practical to work on first. What area is the most workable in you your mind or the most important right now?

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There are several things that come to mind from your thread...firstly, please speak to your doctor and tell him/her that the medication is not effective...there are many choices of meds and hopefully, s/he will be sensitive enough to make a change...secondly, can you talk to your family and establish some boundaries...it is just mean to treat someone that way and you need to see what degree of freedom you have to stop what you can...lastly, and most importantly, you cannot help being sick and it is awful for you to be blamed, especially since it sounds like you are doing all you can...I am so sorry your conditions are so rough right now...please continue to post as we want to know how you are doing
     
  4. tonylonely19

    tonylonely19 Member

    i have uncontrolled tears atm. i do feel for you dead soul. this last year must have been horrible.
    i am sending you a hug from australia. god knows i need one.
    like you i have noone to talk to. i live on my own amd my bong is my best friend.
     
  5. dead_soul

    dead_soul New Member

    I am still here. I don't know how I've made it this far. But things are just exponentially worse.

    I was let go from my job on March 1. My new boss used to be under me. (I sort of used to be his boss)... LONG story. So he hated me from the get go. And eventually managed to get me fired. I was already looking into hostile work environment charges. My notes were stolen from my office, so most of my proof was gone. I worked for a pretty crooked company as it was, but to make matters worse, they are fighting me getting any kind of unemployment benefits just so they don't have to pay. I just don't understand the evil people in this world.

    I found out the man I had recently been seeing for several months had been in jail and was on the sex offenders list.

    My ex (from my first post) reached out to make amends, to start over. I was going to give him another chance, then I found out he was still actually seeing the person he cheated on me with. I found them together tonight.

    So... no job, no boyfriend, no income, tons of bills with no way to pay that will cram my credit into the toilet.

    I have nothing to live for anymore and the only reason I think I've stuck around this long is not wanting to burden my parents with my mountains of debt. As much as I hate my mother most of the time, my dad is disabled and I can't do that to him. But all I want is to be gone from this earth and stop feeling this overwhelming pain and emptiness. I am without a doubt the world's biggest loser.
     
  6. dead_soul

    dead_soul New Member

    I didn't know then, and it's even worse now. I don't even have the energy to put into searching for a job or updating my resume. When I sit down to do it, I just start crying. I feel like it's a waste of time because I am just not good enough.

    I've spent hours on the phone with my student loan and credit card companies finding out what it takes to suspend the accounts... they treat you like a pariah for losing your job, even when you pay for account insurance, they may not approve it depending on the circumstances of why you lost your job (of course the fine print doesn't say that).

    I also found out I have ADHD, which has been a huge source of problems for me since I was child and explains a lot, but my parents always thought I was just lazy or dumb. (How does a dumb second grader score in the 9th grade range when tested?)

    I have no hope left. Certainly no faith. SO sick of people telling me to pray and God will answer my prayers. Well, he hasn't done that yet, what would make believe he ever will.

    I can honestly, truly say I would be better off dead. I just don't know what to do.
     
  7. Spacey

    Spacey Member

    DS
    Wow, I share many of the same things. The only couple differences is that the cheating ex is currently in prison! (dumped him a few years ago prior) and I have no college degree, dammit.

    I think one of the worse feelings is being in a bad job environment for hours on end a day. It is an emotional mind f*ck. Dealing with that is the only time I feel like a weak loser. It gets under your skin and in your soul! On the flipside is how great it feels to get a job you enjoy.

    I had moved into my Grandparents, after final being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. They also treated me like a small child. It was so frustrating. Sadly they passed on two years after I moved out and the time has changed my look on it completely. Now, I can say at least I had family at my time of need and I can laugh at being giving a hard time about eating food (I bought) and watching t.v past 10pm! I felt so free when I was finally able to move out after 3 years, I think it was?

    I don't know where I stand as far as faith. When I was 28 I lost my long-term boyfriend to cancer. At that point I felt like "Life" had turned on me. It burst my teenage feelings of being invincible. I do know that I have had so many of the ups and downs that I know how quickly it all can change when you least expect it.

    As far as your ex....don't forget that saying, "Success is the Best Revenge"
     
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