I wake up and worry about what comes next. I miss my old life. It has little relevance to now and only provides bad memory and nightmares. I was born like everyone else. My parents and teachers did very well in showing me how to be successful and happy. Most of all they showed me how to be a good person. When I was a teenager I was involved with community service, I had a paper route, and was an alter boy. I played almost every sport available in my area and was also in boy scout. As far as I can tell, I did everything correct. At age 14 my father <mod edit -methods> himself. It was explained as mental illness. Another case where the meds likely pushed him over the edge making him take his own life. Since then, all the good time I put in when I was young seems to mean nothing. All the effort I put into those activities only seemed to give me a perspective that would only promote depression. The experience and awareness present in my first 14 or so years in this world only reminds me of what I do not have. While I love the phrase, "The harder I try, the luckier I get.", it does not feel accurate in todays world. First of, not everyone can be a winner, something we tell our children you must do. You do not want to be the loser. So for instance, I had a job repairing appliances. My work ethic led me to be promoted to a quality inspection position. This was my big opportunity, so I put everything I had into it, often staying later then my managers to make sure the day was finished. It did not matter. 5 months later, the position I held was eliminated nationwide. That summarizes most of it. I've also been mugged 3 times, 2 were hate crimes? (assaulted by groups of black men who did not rob me, just wanted to beat the shit out of me)? My car was stolen from in front of my house a few years ago. Same house was broken into. There's plenty more. Walking in on my old girlfriend of several years after getting off from my night shift, with another man in our house. 3 of the jobs I've had went out of business. General being taken advantage of, such as not getting paid or a friend abusing my generosity or even straight out stealing from me. If I could remember them, I'm sure there would be more. Point being, while you have to make an effort to live comfortably, TRYING DOES NOT MATTER. At one time having friends and socializing, I am a recluse now. Physically and mentally I am burned out. So tell me, what did I do wrong? Who did I harm? Is there anyone to blame? Is it my fault? If it is not my fault, should I be angry then? Why would I want to live another 35+ years in this condition? Why would anyone? I want to die, but I know I can't. It doesn't matter anyways. Whether I <mod edit - method> or just slowly deteriorate in my pathetic life for 35+ more years, it's still suicide.