Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Blotto, Jun 4, 2016.

  1. Blotto

    Blotto New Member

    I wake up and worry about what comes next. I miss my old life. It has little relevance to now and only provides bad memory and nightmares. I was born like everyone else. My parents and teachers did very well in showing me how to be successful and happy. Most of all they showed me how to be a good person. When I was a teenager I was involved with community service, I had a paper route, and was an alter boy. I played almost every sport available in my area and was also in boy scout. As far as I can tell, I did everything correct. At age 14 my father <mod edit -methods> himself. It was explained as mental illness. Another case where the meds likely pushed him over the edge making him take his own life. Since then, all the good time I put in when I was young seems to mean nothing. All the effort I put into those activities only seemed to give me a perspective that would only promote depression. The experience and awareness present in my first 14 or so years in this world only reminds me of what I do not have. While I love the phrase, "The harder I try, the luckier I get.", it does not feel accurate in todays world. First of, not everyone can be a winner, something we tell our children you must do. You do not want to be the loser. So for instance, I had a job repairing appliances. My work ethic led me to be promoted to a quality inspection position. This was my big opportunity, so I put everything I had into it, often staying later then my managers to make sure the day was finished. It did not matter. 5 months later, the position I held was eliminated nationwide. That summarizes most of it. I've also been mugged 3 times, 2 were hate crimes? (assaulted by groups of black men who did not rob me, just wanted to beat the shit out of me)? My car was stolen from in front of my house a few years ago. Same house was broken into. There's plenty more. Walking in on my old girlfriend of several years after getting off from my night shift, with another man in our house. 3 of the jobs I've had went out of business. General being taken advantage of, such as not getting paid or a friend abusing my generosity or even straight out stealing from me. If I could remember them, I'm sure there would be more.

    Point being, while you have to make an effort to live comfortably, TRYING DOES NOT MATTER. At one time having friends and socializing, I am a recluse now. Physically and mentally I am burned out. So tell me, what did I do wrong? Who did I harm? Is there anyone to blame? Is it my fault? If it is not my fault, should I be angry then? Why would I want to live another 35+ years in this condition? Why would anyone? I want to die, but I know I can't. It doesn't matter anyways. Whether I <mod edit - method> or just slowly deteriorate in my pathetic life for 35+ more years, it's still suicide.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2016
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi Blotto - I am so sorry to hear about how hard life has been for you. Having a parent commit suicide is a terrible thing and it is not surprising that things went bad for a while after that.

    I do not agree with you that trying does not matter. It does sound like you live in a bad area, with that amount of crime and being mugged/beaten/subjected to hate crimes. Are you able to look at getting away to a better area?

    The fact that you know how to work hard and have a good work ethic is a great thing - I am sorry that your job was eliminated nationwide and that businesses you worked for went out of business, but at least you know it was not "about you" as much as just an issue with the economy/the business. The experience you gained in that time is still valuable. It does sound like you have had really crappy luck - but the great thing about luck is that we can make our own. It is hard to get back up after life knocks you down, but it can be done. You have done it before and you can do it again. You're stronger than you think you are.
  3. Blotto

    Blotto New Member

    Thanks for the kindergarten pep talk. Trying is still pointless. You know how many people out there could be unhappy, in addition to the ones who don't come forward. People have been getting taken advantage of for centuries. The class and hierarchy in this world was established a long time ago. My life is pointless. If I were already dead, you'd never know. That doesn't mean I'm going to kill myself. It just means I'm realistic about the bullshit biased world I was thrown into. But it seem around here you just sugarcoat the problems and make sure people stay complacent.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am really not sure you have been around the forum long enough to know what we "do" here - if you don't want to try that is, of course, your prerogative - but you joined a pro life support forum - we support each other to get better. Having been here for many years rather than a few hours, I am perfectly aware of how many people out there could be unhappy, in addition to the ones who don't come forward. I also am very well aware that the people who improve their lives are the ones that fight for it. If you do not want support, that is,again, your prerogative but it begs the question of what you are doing on a support forum.
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Nobody is sugar coating any problems and reading your list of "tragedies" seems like a paradise compared to a good number of the people on here so perhaps the the induced alcoholic depression angry writing serves a purpose but listing 6 -8 "horrible things " across 34 years like a girlfriend cheating or a car getting stolen or even being a victim of a crime does not really have anything to do with trying in the least. Spread across those 34 years seems like a relatively rosy life in fact which brings back to the true reality of it is not what happens in life that matters in mental health but what/ how a person reacts/ion to those things are.

    Trying is many things and with a family history of mental health issues that resulted in a suicide getting professional help is the first part of trying. At 34 there is nothing about meds pushing people over the edge- in fact over 24 there there is nothing - and the facts are that people not taking meds or being treated while some report increase in suicidal thoughts with medication (on the order of 2 per 1000 people that take meds) people untreated are 3x as likely to commit suicide.

    Trying is in fact a matter of opinion and and an objective thing. The efforts from trying far less so.