Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by itmahanh, Dec 15, 2007.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I've been cutting for about 7 years now. It seemed to be when I was really stressed out or not coping. But lately it seems that everyday I feel the draw to my blade. Everyday mostly out of the blue, my feelings and emotions just explode! Sometimes I don't even realize what I was doing until I see the blood dripping off my arm or elbow. The past couple of weekends have been terrible. The cutting has been getting more intense, deeper and longer slits. I have recently moved to my groin because there is really no where left on my arm. It is taking over. I used to cut for the sense of control it gave me. Now I cut because I feel like it is the only thing I can do. While I was in hospital after a suicide attempt, the docs there saw how intense my cutting was. I would sneak blades in when I got passes. They caught me so many times that they gave me permission to keep cutting!!!! The one place I thought I might get help for this. I've tried so many alternatives and have been to counselling and a support group. Am I destined to this for the rest of my life? What do I do when my groin is too cut up? I have tried several times recently to seek help but usually chicken out and find somewhere to cut instead. It doesn't serve the purpose it once did for me. Not it is almost like a necessity for everyday life. I want to stop but I can't. The worst part is when my kids see the new cuts. I can see on their faces how disappointed they are in me. God I wish I could just die and end all of this.
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Gosh, you poor thing. It does become an obsession, on your mind all the time, you cut to stop the inner pain at first then it like takes over and it turns into just a thing you do. It's really weird I know. That's appaling that a hospital didn't do enough to prevent you taking blades in. You should have been under surveillance or something not just let to do as you please. Surely cutting on your groin, must hurt? to even walk and wear clothing? gosh it must hurt. You said you've counselling and what not. How long did you do for? Sounds like you didnt go or get into it enough. That kinda stuff takes time and patience, sure it's not a quick fix but it does help in the long run as long as you are commited and open with the person. If not for yourself, do it for those kids. Whenever you feel the urge to cut, or have the blade almost on your skin, picture the disappointed faces of your kids, let it flash through ur mind. Good luck
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    The counselling was 2 x a month for about a year. But it got so sickening listening to so what is it that you want me to do for you today? And why do you think you do this? And if she was to give me one more elastic band I swear I would of hung her with it!!! The group was only 3 times. It was so pitiful after group you had to wait in line for a stall in the bathroom to cut up in. Figured that wasn't going to well. The second time there I actually shared a stall with another member!!! I've tried picturing my kids it seemed to work for a while but they know now and it just isn't effective. Cutting my groin is not much different than my arm. It is a little more sensitive and sometimes it hurts more the next day. But it serves the purpose. It's my own little hell and I guess I will have to accept it like I do the suicidal thoughts. It's a part of who I am. Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2007
  4. netsirk

    netsirk Active Member

    OMG that is exactly how I feel. I thought it was just me. I hate myself and I can't stop. The more I try the worse it becomes.
  5. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member


    Keep trying, dear. You know I can't offer advice or say whether it will ever stop. But you can kick and scream and shout and put up a damn good fight.

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