Hi, I'm new here and I joined because I wanted to talk about my situation, and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to die, but I can't take the pain anymore. I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to work on myself, or change things in my life so that I can be happy, but none of it seems to work. I grew up in an abusive household, and I also had social anxiety so I never really had any friends or family. (all of my friends growing up were online.) When I wasn't in school I was at home 90% of the time. I tried going to countless therapists during that time, but none of it seemed to help, and my Mom wouldn't let me take medication. When I left for college I managed to overcome SA enough to try to make friends, but my social skills were so terrible that when I transferred I still left with 0 friends despite trying extremely hard. I did have a boyfriend that I transferred to be closer to, and that worked really well at first but then things went downhill there as well. So one night, about a month ago actually, I just felt so tired of trying to be happy, going to therapy, reading self-help books, and doing all these things to try to make friends and be happy and have none of it work, that I decided I'd rather die and hope to be reincarnated as someone who grew up with a loving family and who developed normal social skills. So I tried to kill himself, and I failed of course, but as a result my boyfriend left me, and is now moving across the country, his family banned me from their house and I'm even more alone than I was when I tried. I was diagnosed with depression after the attempt and I learned a lot about how my thinking patterns can be deceiving because of it, and they gave me medication, and I do think I could feel happy in the future if I kept taking my medication and working on my thought patterns, but I just don't feel the desire to. I don't see the point in struggling to get better if I have absolutely no one to share my happiness with, and I know I won't ever be happy with no social life. I don't even have online friends anymore because I stopped using the internet as much when I started college. I can keep trying to make friends and hopefully I'll have some close ones eventually, but I don't want to go through the pain involved in the process. I sort of felt this way already, but I told myself I'd get through it because I didn't want to hurt the ex, but I just found out he's moving and ever since then I've just been feeling hopeless and wishing there was someway I could guarantee I'd die after a suicide attempt. At any rate, sorry if this is a lot to read, I tend to write a lot.