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Everyone abandoned me after my suicide attempt. =(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Holly123, Apr 4, 2010.

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  1. Holly123

    Holly123 New Member


    I'm new here and I joined because I wanted to talk about my situation, and I don't have anyone to talk to.

    I don't want to die, but I can't take the pain anymore.

    I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to work on myself, or change things in my life so that I can be happy, but none of it seems to work.

    I grew up in an abusive household, and I also had social anxiety so I never really had any friends or family. (all of my friends growing up were online.) When I wasn't in school I was at home 90% of the time.

    I tried going to countless therapists during that time, but none of it seemed to help, and my Mom wouldn't let me take medication.

    When I left for college I managed to overcome SA enough to try to make friends, but my social skills were so terrible that when I transferred I still left with 0 friends despite trying extremely hard.

    I did have a boyfriend that I transferred to be closer to, and that worked really well at first but then things went downhill there as well.

    So one night, about a month ago actually, I just felt so tired of trying to be happy, going to therapy, reading self-help books, and doing all these things to try to make friends and be happy and have none of it work, that I decided I'd rather die and hope to be reincarnated as someone who grew up with a loving family and who developed normal social skills.

    So I tried to kill himself, and I failed of course, but as a result my boyfriend left me, and is now moving across the country, his family banned me from their house and I'm even more alone than I was when I tried.

    I was diagnosed with depression after the attempt and I learned a lot about how my thinking patterns can be deceiving because of it, and they gave me medication, and I do think I could feel happy in the future if I kept taking my medication and working on my thought patterns, but I just don't feel the desire to. I don't see the point in struggling to get better if I have absolutely no one to share my happiness with, and I know I won't ever be happy with no social life.

    I don't even have online friends anymore because I stopped using the internet as much when I started college. I can keep trying to make friends and hopefully I'll have some close ones eventually, but I don't want to go through the pain involved in the process. I sort of felt this way already, but I told myself I'd get through it because I didn't want to hurt the ex, but I just found out he's moving and ever since then I've just been feeling hopeless and wishing there was someway I could guarantee I'd die after a suicide attempt.

    At any rate, sorry if this is a lot to read, I tend to write a lot.
  2. Destroying-Angel

    Destroying-Angel New Member

    I know how you kinda feel im really trying to fight the feeling bigtime right now,pm me if you need someone to talk to im here.
  3. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    how are you?
    welcome to SF :)
    your life is exactly like mine, you are like righting my stort, so thanks for sharing it with us, it make me feel less lonely, so i hope you feel the same in SF :hug:
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Heyroo, and welcome to SF!

    I know what it's like, because after my divorce, I have 0 friends in real life. I have a gf that lives two states away, and we have never met. We are realizing that having a cross country relationship isn't as hard when you communicate each day.

    All of my friends are online. I don't have social anxiety, be I stay in my room alot... Somehow it all works for me.

    If you need someone to talk to, pm me!
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Hey Holly,

    It is hard to turn away from the abyss especially if during your painful time the people you felt you had to support you did not. That is truly painful. I think there are so many positive aspects to your post, i know you may not be able to see that right now, or even want to see the positive aspects (i know i didn't/don't sometimes), but they are there. One intersting part of your post, for me, was this:

    I learned a lot about how my thinking patterns can be deceiving because of it,

    I don't see the point in struggling to get better if I have absolutely no one to share my happiness with, and I know I won't ever be happy with no social life.

    Do you think there may be some twisted thought patterns there too caused by the depression? Nothing in life is set in stone. I know and really understand how lonely you must feel right now, it is a very hard place to be, but it does change, it always does.

    Take care.
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Holly,

    First of all - Welcome to SF! I think you'll find a lot of support on here and at the very least someone who will listen. The people on here are awesome!

    I know what you mean on being tired working on yourself. I've felt envy my entire life for people who seem as if they can just live in the moment without a care in the world. I've found that I have to work extremely hard to get an ounce of happiness that someone else just happens to find along the way and that can get extremely tiring!

    As for finding the will to move forward, I've found that one of the hardest things to do in life - especially during tough times. But that's not to say its not possible. Right now I'm in a much better place than I was about 2 years ago, and that's only due to some hard work and tough periods of introspection.

    There's always a catch 22 when it comes to depression. You need the willpower to work through your depression, but you also need to have the energy to be able to have the willpower, which during the depression can be extremely limited. For me I've found that I needed to decide carefully on when I had to do some introspection and work on my problems and when I just had to remain ignorant of my problems and just work on getting through the day. It's different for everyone I guess, and you need to find the correct balance in your life.

    Finding the right friends can be tough for anyone, and especially so for someone like us who needs someone to accept our eccentricities and our personalities as we are. But I'm confident you will find someone. You should just keep working on yourself as you once did. Two or so years ago when I was at my lowest point, I also had no one to talk to. At least no one I had contact with often enough to trust them. By that point I shut everyone out of my life, but I can't tell you how quickly things turned around at the start of the year when I decided to move in with a friend. It definitely isn't a cure-all solution, but it definitely helps just to have that social contact.

    Could you maybe do the same? Even moving in with someone you don't know might be an option?

    Anyway, I really hope you get to figure this all out and you get some relief from the pain you're going through. Feel free to pm me anytime.

    All the best,

  7. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    That's the one thing I hate. The world can be a horrible place and yet people do not understand depression. They're the horrible people.
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    It really is terrible that physical disease has no stigma and yet mental disease does.

    I will admit that I also did not understand mental illness, I did not sympathize with it until I have been afflicted by it myself. I've worn these shoes for almost five years and this is one positive thing the depression has given me, utter, pure compassion for the mentally ill.
  9. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    I think the same reason you're here is the same reason the rest of us are...for the most part...so...welcome home.
  10. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    That is the sad thing about depression. You really have to have first hand experience to really understand the debilitating impacts that it can have. For me there were (still are) a lot of people who were just too uncomfortable to even speak to me when I was feeling down. It doesn't necessarily make them bad people, but maybe just not strong enough to take on someone else's problems as well.
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