Everyone always lets me down.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Delores1990, Jul 8, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Delores1990

    Delores1990 New Member

    I've been suffering from an unknown mental illness since I was 15 years old.
    It started when I was bullied thoughout school - leading to me attempting suicide.
    The girls that bullied me were my so called friends, I had no where else to go other than to sit there and take it everyday.im certain that people knew about it at the time but no body did anything to help me.
    After I tried to kill myself the faculty became aware of the reasons why. Again no one believed me and even the teachers turned against me... Thinking me a liar. The girls had all written seperate accounts as to how I was the bully, and had listed all the things I had done to them... Which in truth they had done to me.
    I ended up in a unit... Which was essentially an outhouse on the school grounds that all the delinquents were sent.
    I had no lessons and no teachers, and had to teach myself the criteria for my exams.
    I at this point rekindled a friendship with old primary school friends.. Who ultimately became friends with my bullies and kept tricking me into coming out to places where the bullies would be. I never wanted to see those girls again so this was a really difficult experience to deal with. Eventually I wrote everyone off that had anything to do with my school and those girls... And I stopped speaking the the primary school friends altogether. At this point I was 19.
    I continued on struggling with alcohol and drug abuse... I had a long term boyfriend who was finding it increasingly difficult to deal with me. I became prone to manic and violent outbursts, hurting myself and anyone around me at the time. I never stopped self harming throughout this whole time.
    I managed to get through the days but it never became any easier.
    I always find myself craving for danger... Sleeping around and cheating on my partner, taking drugs, getting blind drunk... I feel I always wanted to damage myself and wreck everything. Sometimes I'd go into a blind state... And I'm unable to really remember what I've done, it feels almost dream like.
    Eventually my partner was unable to deal with the unstable relationship I'd created and we ended. I felt like the one thing that kept me alive and meant anything to me was gone and it was all my own fault I've never been able to forgive myself for what I did to him. I was 22 at this time.
    I again spiralled out of control.. Drinking, drugs and sleeping around. At the time I couldn't see I was doing wrong.
    That ex boyfriend then begin a relationship with one of the girls from my school. I felt like my entire world didn't make sense (if it ever did) anymore. How can someone I trusted to always do the right thing and be the one solid part of my life betray me so horribly. I was with him for four years. I will never ever be able to come to terms with this information. It feels like that part of my life where I was bullied and isolated and made to feel so helpless it drove me to suicide will never go away. The same girls became friends with a new group of my own friends which again forced me into isolation. I feel like they are torturing me, and have been for almost ten years.
    At this point I also found out from a family member that my mother used to beat me. I do remember it here and there but not to the extent this family member told me.
    I attemptedsuicide again, and ended up in hospital for a few days.
    Someone who I thought was a friend stopped talking to me when I was in hospital and has caused me nothing but distress for no reason.
    I feel like there is no one I can trust.
    I then began a destructive relationship with an abusive controlling man who hit me and didn't allow me to go out or do anything without his say. I'm still trying to fully get out of that relationship.
    I don't trust anything anybody says to me anymore. It feels like every time I put my faith in someone, anyone, they don't just let me down, they destroy me in the worst way possible.
    I don't want to self harm or try to kill myself again. But the thoughts become harder to restrain when I'm upset.
    Today I wasn't invited out to a meal with work. I have no idea why. But it's got me thinking on this path again... That everyone will let me down and lie to me. I constantly battle with the thoughts that everyone hates me and is only tricking me to get a laugh.
    I have to battle constantly with my own mind... Telling me I want to die and to hurt myself and others. Crazy irrational thoughts that go through my head and it doesn't even sound like my own voice.
    I'm genuinely afraid.
    I've tried to get help on multiple occasions but I'm always met with a dead end.
    I don't know what to do anymore.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I'd like to (when I have a bit more time) - maybe discuss a few of these points with you.

    I am rather confused as to how someone who is an ex has betrayed you when you admitted you slept around (cheating on your partner) - purely because he got with someone who had bullied you at school. Your own actions are more likely to have cost his trust in you and therefore destabilised the relationship - so you'd have to take some responsibility than trying to say it was him betraying you when you'd laid the foundations of betrayal by doing cheating.

    I do have a few other things but time is of the essence for me right now - I'm going to think on this and maybe come up with something a little less "critical" and a bit more supportive.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.