Everyone gives me the same answer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by M84, May 16, 2011.

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  1. M84

    M84 Active Member

    I've been depressed and feeling suicidal for about 7-8 years now. I've tried a variety of anti-depressants that work for a few months then their positive effects decline.

    I've been seeing a counselor for about 2 1/2 years. She is a great help but when I tell her I'm tired of everything and just wish I could be hit by a truck or kill myself she just gives me the same ole: "You have to be able to commit murder by killing yourself" "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

    I'm not upset about a particular instance. I hate my life and always have. I take hardly any joy in anything. The only reason I'm still here are because of two things:

    1. I don't know what's on the other side. I'm an atheist but In the back of my mind there's still that chance that suicide is a ticket to hell or some other worse place then here.

    2. Before I actually pull the trigger/pop the pills I don't know if I'd be able to get over how my friends would feel. I don't give a single care about the majority of my family they don't matter to me except my 2 siblings. They'd be sad for a time but they'll die eventually as well. So, who cares. We're all going to die so what does it matter if some people feel bad that I'm gone. They're going to die and will not be upset I'm dead.

    I'm tired of the whole: We're all in the same boat, life sucks, get over it

    or the:

    Go find something you like to do and stick with it. Get involved in an activity you would enjoy.

    I don't enjoy anything. I hate mostly everything and I'm tired of everything.
    I'm still on anti-depressants now but I still feel this way. My life doesn't necessarily suck that bad but I still want to die. What do?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    have they ruled out bipolar? it often gets misdiagnosed as depression and anti depressants won't help a bit. you need mood stabilizers to feel better. just brainstorming here.
  3. M84

    M84 Active Member

    Thanks for the reply. I see my counselor tomorrow and i will discuss that with her.
  4. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you don't feel joy.. I don't either..
    How old are you? If I can ask..
  5. M84

    M84 Active Member

    Ice: I am 20
  6. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    Same here.

    Your counselor does not seem trained properly to deal with suicidal feelings then. These banal pleasantries are what people who have never had depression spout off because it's what works for them. Depression and suicidal impulses are different. It's only a temporary problem in the sense that life itself is temporary. Life circumstances are always changing, but life circumstances are not the problem. Pain is the f-ing problem. I've been dealing with suicidal impulses since I was six years old. That's been a long time and no matter how great my life is, I just want to die.

    Again, me too.

    It depends on how badly you want to live in contrast to how badly you want to die. If you want to live, experiment, keep what works, and discard what doesn't.

    If you only want to die then I'm sorry there is no guaranteed cure. Let's look at it logically: You don't enjoy anything. That may change, or it might not. If you do change such that you can enjoy something, would that be a reason to live or would you still feel suicidal? If you do not change, then you will have to find a way to deal with life even feeling the way you do.

    You've already figured out nothing someone else says is going to work, no matter how experienced or credentialed they are. Something I'm experimenting with is responding to advice/help as what they are, which are statements of one person's belief. These are signposts pointing in the general direction of improving mental health, but the signposts are not going to get you anywhere before you decide to move on your own. You simply incorporate that information into your approach, as long as you find it trustworthy. Unfortunately even with signposts it is still easy to get lost, especially when one gets conflicting directions. One solution is to simply use the directions but feel free to depart from them if you check things out and the directions were not correct.
  7. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    Yeah, I agree with checking out with bipolar. When the meds stop working after a few months, could just mean that you are going into a natural downswing.

    When some people with bipolar disorder take anti-depressants, they go into a state of hypomania. They feel MUCH much better than they did before. It switches their cycles. But you can't maintain that for long. You will crash again and again. My mom suffers from this problem... She takes a new medicine, thinks it's working, but after a few months gets depressed again and goes on something new. She won't listen to me when I tell her she might have bipolar disorder. I mean... her own daughter (aka: me) has it. And our brain chemistries are a lot alike.

    Definitely check with your doctor about this.

    I also completely understand with the not wanting to do ANYTHING thing. I'm the same way when I go down... There's nothing I want to do. Nothing is fun. Nothing is interesting. Not even food. I can't think of anything I want. Nothing. I don't know what advice to offer on this, other than just wait it out. Things will get better... might take a while, but they will.
  8. M84

    M84 Active Member

    Thanks for the replies everyone. I have read each one intently.

    I will talk to my doctor about the possible bipolar problem. I would've never come up with this possible diagnosis without your help.

    I will let you all know how it turns out.
  9. M84

    M84 Active Member

    I went to my counselor earlier today and when saying to her, "I don't take joy in anything" "I wish I could die somehow" "I'm miserable" etc. She suggested that when I get a better job, get a girlfriend and live on my own it will get better. She encourages me to get off depression meds even when I'm saying this stuff.

    I've felt this way the last 8 years of my life. Just because I'll eventually get a better job, and other things that it will go away?

    Is it because my life isn't good that I'm depressed or is it because my brain is fucked...?

    I'm getting fed up with it..
  10. letmego

    letmego New Member

    I understand how you feel. I am in the same boat. I get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. I dont enjoy doing anything outside my home. I've been depressed for 24 yrs so truly I am feeling your feelings. The ONE thing that I do enjoy doing is watching TV. So that is what I do alot of. I dont have friends, but I manage to work each day although barely. So I focus each day on watching TV and finding programs to watch. It keeps me occupied.
    Your counselor needs to be switched. Maybe request a new one. I dont what gender he/she is but maybe try another gender. I am a woman and I have problems talking to a male. Counseling I feel doesnt work for me but I do go every so often. I'm not going to tell you to grab a hobby or find some friends, go walking anything like that. But IF there is but ONE thing that gives you comfort, then do that one thing. Also write to yourself, after awhile sometimes it sounds like poetry. Keep in touch with me. I am here for you. I am much older than you but I seem to have repoire with young adults, maybe b/c I dont blow smoke up their asses. I am honest.
  11. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Your counselor needs to be changed. It's apparent that they have no idea what they are talking about.
  12. M84

    M84 Active Member

    Thank you letmego and lightbeam for your replies.

    I am now very much considering changing counselors. I know she is trying to help me and has helped me with a few things. Her thoughts and comments on suicide and feeling depressed seem to be a bunch of broken record sayings.

    If I was to leave my current counselor who I have been seeing for 2 1/2 years how should I inform her? Since my insurance dropped me she's been having sessions with me for free. Because of this I know she genuinely wants to help me. What should I say so that I won't get a "see me anyway, I can still help" or something along those lines?

    btw, I have different insurance now so I could see a counselor when I leave the current.
  13. herenow

    herenow Well-Known Member

    I'm in the same boat...I felt like that since I found out what suicide is.
  14. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    if she is seeing you for free, I would suggest continuing to go to her. But tell her that she needs to empathize with you in regards to depression and suicide. Let her know that you appreciate her help thus far, but that glossing over the real issues is making you rather uncomfortable.
  15. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    A bit out there maybe, but have you ever thought of just going,, just dissappearing, kind of a find yourself trip,, sounds corny.
    im currently saving, i need £35,000 i recon and id fuck off for a year or 2 traveling around the world.

    the money is realistic due to todays cost in fuel , flights, food ex,,,, I figure another 8 years and I am gone.

    Just my answer for myself,,,,it isnt an answer i know, bu it might be the first step in finding it.
    gives me a reason to get up, gives me a reason to live, gives me a reason to work
  16. M84

    M84 Active Member

    Abjure: I'm glad you have found something to live for but I could not relate to this. I need to know that I have a place to sleep for the night and a job to make money at. Thank you for the advice though. I really appreciate you giving me advice and caring for me.
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