Everyone I meet is so unfriendly and cruel.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KiY, Feb 16, 2014.

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  1. KiY

    KiY Member

    I just can’t stand it. I try to be nice to people, help them out, be a friend, but everyone I meet is just so cold, aloof and even downright cruel.
    Just as an example of what I’m talking about: a new neighbour moved in next door. I live in a terrace house and the walls are pretty thin, so it’s almost like living in the same place as one another. I went around the other day and knocked on her door, hoping to introduce myself. She came to the door and just stared at me through the glass, not saying a word. That made me feel really uneasy but I persevered and said that I lived next door. She nodded and pointed me to the back of the house where she opened the back door. Our conversation went something like this:

    ME: “Hi I live next door. I just thought I’d come across and introduce myself. We’ve been living next to each other for a while and it occurred to me that I don’t even know your name?”

    HER: “Kay.”

    ME: “Hi Kay, I’m Kiy.”

    Awkward moment of silence.

    ME: “So… I was just thinking that since we are going to be neighbours it would be good to know each other. Could I come in and have a cup of tea or something?”

    HER: “I’m going out. You can come back later if you like.”

    ME: “Oh… OK. Well I’ll see you later then.”

    She did in fact go out, but it was a few hours later. When she came home she sneaked into the house hoping that I wouldn’t know that she had come back, so I thought it’d be best if I just left her to it. I’m not going to impose myself on someone who doesn’t want me there. It’s really antisocial however. As I say, we’re neighbors and quite possibly are going to be for some time. Where is the harm in getting to know one another? You never know when it might come in handy.

    Now that’s just one example, but that kind of thing is pretty typical. I don’t think I look very frightening or anything. I’m 32, but I look younger than that. I’m not ugly, nor stunning. I don’t have a powerful bearing about me or a forceful attitude, quite the opposite in fact. I’m a really gentle person, a bit weary and morose, but friendly and open. I don’t understand how that combination of characteristics makes me so repulsive towards people? I get why that combination has me taken advantage of and stepped on a lot, but repulsed…? I just don’t get it.
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    I am sure it is not you Kiy - Probably your neighbour was wary of someone knocking on her door introducing himself; albeit a neighbour - perhaps she thought you might be a threat to her - as for sneaking home later hoping you wouldn't notice maybe she felt guilty shunning you on her doorstep & couldn't face you not knowing what to say to explain her behaviour

    Don't worry about her Kiy - it's her loss & if she wants to be lonely & friendless that's her lookout

    :tc feller

    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2014
  3. KiY

    KiY Member

    Well it is my loss. When someone chooses to be aloof and cold towards me, it's a loss on both sides. And it's not just this one situation. It's every situation I'm in. Every person I meet. I can't remember the last time someone actually spoke to me without me speaking to them first. And sometimes it's just bizarre! Like, bizarre enough to start making me doubt reality and become really paranoid. There was this one time when I went into town for my birthday. I went down with my ex-girlfriend and a couple of tentative friends. We ended up in this pub on a Friday night. The place was absolutely packed. People were standing shoulder to shoulder. Or at least they were in every spot in the bar, except for within a 3 meter bubble around me. This walled bubble of people moved and shifted depending on where I was positioned. It was fucking strange. I pointed it out to the people I was with and they said, "don't worry about it". What the hell was that?
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2014
  4. Lonely83

    Lonely83 Active Member

    I have the same feeling too, even strangers act hostile towards me. ppl I met in the past, they hate me like i killed their whole family, my old school fds still holding grudges even after more than 10 yrs. i'm not good at talking & always put my foot in my mouth, but i dun think i deserved this much hated.

    you are brave to take initiative and she probably dun want anyone she doesn't know well go in her place and want some distance. i seldom to talk with my neighbors, only say hi or managed a small smile. dun mind it too much, you tried yr best!
  5. KiY

    KiY Member

    I'm kind of dancing around the issue here. While the way my neighbor is treating me is pretty shit, it's not really what has me so down. I'd like to share my story if I may.

    I was living in the countryside until a few years ago. As a teen I had developed serious mental health problems and my family, unwilling to support their mentally ill son had bought me a one way ticket out of sight. That was how I came to be out there. The place I lived in was a small council estate and the people there were generally poor as dirt. Due to the location and the poverty, no one ever really left the place. There was however a real sense of community. Everyone knew everyone and I spent most of my time around other peoples houses. I had some really good friends there, but I was also bored as hell and felt in a rut. After 12 years of living in that one place and never really leaving, I was growing depressed and restless.

    At one point my Nan died. She lived in the nearby town and in the same area I had grown up in and where my family lived. After her death, my Mum bought her house with her inheritance. Needing a lodger to help pay the mortgage, she offered to let me move down there. It seemed like a miracle to me: not only getting me out of the stagnant area I lived in, but also letting me rejoin the family that I had been cast out from years ago. I accepted her offer and moved into town with my girlfriend.

    I didn't know anyone outside the my old estate community, so moving meant having to start all over again and build up a new circle of friends. My sister lived nearby and she and her friends were of a similar age to me, so I pinned my hopes on her being welcoming. I was wrong to do so however. After our move, my sister and her husband didn't invite me and my girlfriend out once. I would go around to her house and chill a bit, occasionally meeting her friends when they came around, but nights out or being included in anyone's plans was a no go. Her friends proved to be snobbish and exclusionary too, and pretty soon I found myself spending all my time alone.

    Being isolated and excluded like that put a lot of stress on my relationship with my girlfriend. If you lock two people in a room together they will eventually start to resent one another. And that's what happened. My girlfriend had a bit more success than me at integrating into a new circle of friends, thanks to being a part of some support groups for her health concerns. Eventually I discovered that she was cheating on my with someone from those groups. Our break up was messy and she was very spiteful towards me. She hated me for convincing her to move away from our friends in the country and wanted revenge. After she left, she took our cats to a shelter so that I couldn't have them and she would phone me up while in bed with this guy and start to tell me all the things they were doing together. It was horrible and cruel and I didn't deserve it one bit.

    With my girlfriend gone I couldn't afford to pay the rent for the house. My mum started to take up the slack, but my family were less than sympathetic, saying: "We were right to send you away. Look at you, you're such a loser and a burden. Look at what happens when we put our faith in you and give you a chance." And so while going through this horrible period, I was left without any support or compassion for my plight.

    In my time down here in the city, there has been one friend of my sisters who I have always gotten along with well. I'll call her Kee. Kee and I really hit it off from the moment we met, and each time we met we would part ways saying "lets meet up some time", though it never really happened. I thought that this was because we were both in relationships and it would be wrong to hang out, so I was fine enough with that, though I only really wanted a friend.

    At some point before my break-up, my sister and Kee obtained an interest in PnP roleplaying (Dungeons and Dragons). As the only person they knew who had done it before they asked me to write and organize a game for them and a couple of other people. Normally I wouldn't do something like that. I'm a bit too shy to get up in front of a bunch of people I don't know and preform for them, but I needed friends and I felt like my efforts would be rewarded. I spent a few weeks writing and honing a scenario and ran the night for them. I'd hoped that it could become a regular thing and that it would provide a way to mix and get invited out more often. I could have saved my relationship, being able to go out and socialize. My sisters husband however didn't like it, so he shut the whole thing down. I never even got to finish the scenario that I'd written and it was done so without the slightest bit of an apology. Now that might seem like a useless bit of information in this story, but it goes to show just how disrespectfully I am treated and how my hard work and sacrifice is dismissed so easily. It also comes up again.

    After my break up, I bumped into Kee one day. She said that her and her boyfriend were thinking of running another game and asked if I would like to come. I felt very karmic to me. Not only would it have been returning the favor, but it would have been very compassionate as she knew that I had just broken up with my girlfriend and was all alone. A few weeks passed and there was no call however. I sent Kee a message asking what was happening. "We're doing it once the summer ends" she replied. Summer passes and still no call. I send her another message. "We're doing it real soon, I'll give you a call". Autumn passes and still no call. I assumed that it just had never happened, but I was wrong. They went ahead and did it but I was just not invited when the time came.

    I was really hurt by that and that pain turned to anger when I found out that Kee had broken up with her boyfriend. It was coming up to Christmas, and having no where to go, Kee asked if she could spend it with my family. I was really angry that she was looking for support and compassion when she had denied me the same. But I'm not someone to hold a grudge and gave her a second chance. I got her a present for Christmas. It was stone, shaped like a heart. My ex-girlfriend had given it to me and it was the only keepsake I had of her. I gave it to Kee, telling her what it was and that I was giving it to her to remind her that the pain she was going through with her own breakup, I had also experienced and that she wasn't alone in that.

    Kee seemed grateful and asked if I would like to take her out one day. She also asked whether there was a room going in my house since she needed a place to live and I needed a tenant to help pay the rent. It really felt like tall the pieces were falling into place and I accepted to take her out and get to know each other better. Of course when the day came she backed out. We argued a bit by text because I was sick of being treated like that and eventually she agreed to meet up. We had a really nice day together and agreed to meet up again in a couple of weeks. When that day came, she rejected me again. Apparently one of her girlfriends had offered her a place to stay and I was no longer needed - not as a place to live, not as a lover, not as a friend. I had just been used to make her feel wanted and kept on a leash in case she needed a place to stay. She did not contact me again after that and chose to ignore every text I sent.

    I was utterly heart broken by this turn of events. I thought things were beginning to work out for me. I had been feeling suicidal since my break up with my girlfriend and it only took having my hopes dashed once again to push me over the edge. I sent a text to my sister telling her that I was going to kill myself, but I didn't work up the courage and just crumpled up into a teary ball. The next day my sister and her husband came around to see if I was dead or not and instead of being compassionate were instead annoyed that my possible death had upset their schedule and made them late for a party. Before leaving however, they invited me to a BBQ they were having at the weekend. I was at least grateful for that and said I would go. What I didn't know was that they intended it to be a trap.

    When I arrived at the BBQ I found that there other guest was Kee's ex-boyfriend. I don't know why they would do that to me. They knew that Kee was the trigger for my suicidal thoughts. I think they just like to watch me squirm. The next day I came around to my sisters house, hoping to explain that I was suffering and ask why she and Kee were being so horrible to me. I didn't get an answer, she just started shaming me about the situation with the house - really pushing it home and exaggerating things.

    And that's where things stand at the moment. I'm all alone. Everyone I try to form any sort of relationship with rejects me. I'm suicidal and the only people in my life are actively pushing me to go through with it. I know that tomorrow will be the same as today, just like it was yesterday. I'm out of hope, out of options and it's no longer a matter of whether I want to die, but whether I can muster the courage to do it or not.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2014
  6. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    Wow, I'm very sorry, are you receiving treatment?

    P.S. You are called Kiy, your girlfriend was called Kee, and your neighbor is called Kay?
  7. KiY

    KiY Member

    The "K" names are pseudo names.

    Yeah I'm receiving treatment. After my health concerns appeared at the age of 17, I was sent to see a doctor. I didn't want their help however, so that didn't go very far. They did give me some pills, but after several overdoses, they stopped giving them to me.

    A few years ago I approached the mental health services again on my own terms. They misdiagnosed me for certain, and started to send people around to my house as "befrienders", which felt really intrusive and I didn't like. They also put me in cognitive therapy, which I found equally unhelpful. My therapist was pregnant, so when she took her maternity leave, my treatment ended and I was cast aside by the health team.

    With my most recent problems I approached the health services again. Once more they misdiagnosed me and instead of offering me help, they sent me to an occupational therapist. This therapist intended to make me "work ready" and started pushing me to take a job in a factory where no one speaks English. I think that stands as testament to how screwed up the health services really are.

    DOC 1: "We have a patient here who suffers for low self worth, depression and social isolation that is driving him to suicide. What shall we do with him?"
    DOC 2: "Hum.. how about a factory. That's a depressing, isolating environment to really drive home how worthless he is."

    In my therapist defense however, the last time I was there she said that she thought she was the wrong person to help me and said that she would push for a re-assessment. The date for my re-assessment could take anything from six months to a year however.

    I went out to find stuff to do myself, but so far I've been experiencing the same general unfriendliness as everywhere else. I took up rock climbing in the hopes of making friends, but after many sessions, I'd not connected with a single person. I started taking night classes in pottery, but again, while people are generally polite to me, no one has really connected. I also started to attend an art therapy group too. While I sort of enjoy it (it's just a way to get out the house), once again no one has connected with me there and sessions are so rare (once a month), that it feels almost pointless. Plus it's only a 6 session course, of which I'm going to be attending my 4th today. So not long till that ends.

    Oh and I should probably say what my health concerns are. When I was first diagnosed as a teen, I was told I had Schizotypal PD. On my second visit I was told I had general anxiety disorder and aspbergers traits. In my third approach they just ran with what the paper work said and ignored my claims that what they had written down was wrong. After talking with my occupational therapist, she agrees that the assessment is wrong and is looking to have me assessed for Bipolar II, which seems to fit the bill.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2014
  8. KiY

    KiY Member

    I wanted to write about another experience I had. It has been perhaps the biggest trauma of my life and one that I just can't shake off or really get over.

    Back when I was about 21 I met a girl, called Lii. We fell head over heels for each other and were really passionately in love. I'd never met anyone before or since who I had that sort of connection with. We were so close it was like being psychic. After about a year I asked her to marry me. She broke down into tears of joy and we got engaged. We lived together for 6 years, but never went through with the marriage. Well not really... We had a little ceremony of our own, but we never did anything official on paper. We WERE husband and wife however.

    In the sixth year of our relationship, Lii started to hang around with this school kid who lived down the street. They started to become close and Lii became more distant towards me. On my 26th birthday I caught her cheating on me. When I confronted her about what was happening, she just started screaming at me, terrified that I knew what was going on and ran out of the house. She never came back or spoke to me again.

    A few days later I was around a friends house and he told me the news that Lii was pregnant. I've never been sure who's kid she was with, mine or the schools kids. But it was irrelevant, since even if it was mine Lii refused to speak to me. Lii and the school kid moved into a house together. This house was a few doors down from me. Just try and imagine how painful that was, to live next door to the love of your life while she is with another man and pregnant. It was perhaps the darkest period of my life.

    With Lii pregnant, the school kid didn't want me around to fuck things up. This kid was a bit of a 'chav' and knew all the bad seeds on the estate. Together he and his friends launched a campaign of terror against me to make me move away. They attacked me in the streets. They smashed my windows in. At it's worst they kicked in the door to my house at night and worked me over with a bat and box-cutters. This treatment went on for months. I went to the police, but they only took statements and told me to call the next time something happened. I went to the council and asked to be rehoused, but they bogged me down in paperwork and nothing ever happened. I wanted to get out of that environment, but I just couldn't!

    At some point my gran died and left me some money. I saw this as my exit and got in touch with an old school friend. It had been a while since we'd spoken, but we used to be really close. His dad was abusive to him when they lived together, but I used to stand up for him and stop the worst of it. I thought that perhaps he would remember that and return the favor. He suggested that I use the money I had been given to buy a house for him and his friends where we could all live together. In my desperation I agreed and put down all the payments. Well, he and his friends moved in, but when I tried to, they told me that I was not welcome and kicked me out, stealing my money in the process.

    I didn't know what to do. I was too broken to fight them for it. And besides, who would want to live with people who treat you like that. I couldn't go back to the country estate and continue to live in the abuse and heartache, so I did what I thought was the only thing I could do and tried to kill myself. It didn't work obviously. After I left hospital, I went to the only place I thought I could: to my sister. I told her what was happening and asked if I could sleep on her couch while I looked for a place to live. Being homeless would help the housing situation after all since I would be a priority. She gave me a week before kicking me out.

    I had no choice but to return to the country. The abuse continue for a while longer, but I found a solution. I took a 6' steel bar and bolted iron mace heads on the end. It was a brutal weapon, heavy enough to crack a flagstone by pounding the butt into the floor. I started working out and spending my time up in the hills training with the staff. I never used it in anger however. There was on incident when the people who were abusing me ran across me while I was carrying the staff. They started to taunt me, asking what was that I had in my hands. I just remained silent and took up a fighting stance. In my head I was thinking "You can do this! Don't pussy out! Swipe at their legs! Break their shins! Thrust at their ribs! Put them down!" They didn't approach however, content to taunt me from a distance. I guess they thought it wasn't worth it if I was going to fight back. I'm glad they did walk away as I'm not sure whether I could have gone through with it if they had closed on me.

    After that they pretty much stopped bothering me. Lii and the school kid moved away some time after and life found some sort of equilibrium. It had changed me however and I still suffer nightmares about that period of my life. Exactly one year later from when all this had begun, on my next birthday, I ended up meeting my second girlfriend. But I've already said how that worked out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2014
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