I don't fully understand why but everybody is afraid of me. I'm a big guy (about 6'2") and, unluckily, despite never working out, I'm "blessed" with an athletic physique and very broad shoulders which I suppose makes me look like a tough guy. But I think this is only a small part of the problem. I'm intensely depressed. I have no friends and no partner. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I feel completely incapable of building a life because I feel too bad about myself. I can barely look in the mirror. I only look in the mirror following a shower when the glass is steamed up, or I will use my phone screen. I spend 99% of my time alone, reading, gaming and watching stuff on youtube -- not because I'm into those things, but because I have to get through the time somehow without going insane. But I suppose when I do venture out of the house I probably do look insane. I think too much time alone can bring on a sort of psychosis. Thought starts to seem real and reality starts to feel like a dream, and a frightening dream at that. When I go out I feel like Bruce Willis' character in the movie Surrogates when he goes on to the street in his real body. And I see people, apparently connected with each other, who understand each other, who are doing pleasant, mundane things in a totally different world to the one I inhabit. And they treat me like an alien, a threat, and they have no conception of what's it's like to be as alone as I am.
When I look at people, they immediately look away. When I buy stuff at the checkout, the girls rush and fumble as if to get rid of me as quickly as possible. The other day -- and I'm not exaggerating -- a little old lady literally let out a scream when she came round a corner and saw me up close unexpectedly.
The hardest thing about all this is that I'm not a threat to anyone. I wouldn't even step on an ant if I could avoid it. I'm completely in control of myself. Even if somebody cuts me up on the road, I just shrug and think "whatever". I'm a gentle soul and always have been.
It's one thing being alone. It's another thing being alone when everyone is afraid of you. What hope does that leave?
When I look at people, they immediately look away. When I buy stuff at the checkout, the girls rush and fumble as if to get rid of me as quickly as possible. The other day -- and I'm not exaggerating -- a little old lady literally let out a scream when she came round a corner and saw me up close unexpectedly.
The hardest thing about all this is that I'm not a threat to anyone. I wouldn't even step on an ant if I could avoid it. I'm completely in control of myself. Even if somebody cuts me up on the road, I just shrug and think "whatever". I'm a gentle soul and always have been.
It's one thing being alone. It's another thing being alone when everyone is afraid of you. What hope does that leave?