Everyone is afraid of me

john42076

Active Member
#1
I don't fully understand why but everybody is afraid of me. I'm a big guy (about 6'2") and, unluckily, despite never working out, I'm "blessed" with an athletic physique and very broad shoulders which I suppose makes me look like a tough guy. But I think this is only a small part of the problem. I'm intensely depressed. I have no friends and no partner. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I feel completely incapable of building a life because I feel too bad about myself. I can barely look in the mirror. I only look in the mirror following a shower when the glass is steamed up, or I will use my phone screen. I spend 99% of my time alone, reading, gaming and watching stuff on youtube -- not because I'm into those things, but because I have to get through the time somehow without going insane. But I suppose when I do venture out of the house I probably do look insane. I think too much time alone can bring on a sort of psychosis. Thought starts to seem real and reality starts to feel like a dream, and a frightening dream at that. When I go out I feel like Bruce Willis' character in the movie Surrogates when he goes on to the street in his real body. And I see people, apparently connected with each other, who understand each other, who are doing pleasant, mundane things in a totally different world to the one I inhabit. And they treat me like an alien, a threat, and they have no conception of what's it's like to be as alone as I am.

When I look at people, they immediately look away. When I buy stuff at the checkout, the girls rush and fumble as if to get rid of me as quickly as possible. The other day -- and I'm not exaggerating -- a little old lady literally let out a scream when she came round a corner and saw me up close unexpectedly.

The hardest thing about all this is that I'm not a threat to anyone. I wouldn't even step on an ant if I could avoid it. I'm completely in control of myself. Even if somebody cuts me up on the road, I just shrug and think "whatever". I'm a gentle soul and always have been.

It's one thing being alone. It's another thing being alone when everyone is afraid of you. What hope does that leave?
 

Cagla

romantic bastard
#2
Being big does not make you threat... Who thinks this way is dumb. I'm sorry but they are. You may not have friends but it doesn't make you worthless as well. It does make you someone who is not understood and hurting a lot...
I can relate since I don't like my body too. And I avoid mirrors too. But I hear all the people saying outside is not that much important. When the oONE finds you out as a treasure and values you, body is not something important, but just a vehicle we move around with.
And you do look athletic as you said and that seemed to me that you are so hard on yourself. I know loving yourself and accepting what you cannot change is hard. Scary as hell...its so hard! But it shouldn't make us unworthy of love and friendship.
Just some effort and you may find good people who won't judge- anyway there is nothing to judge though!-
Please , if you are not happy the way you live, which is true I suppose, try to go out and be with people and when they scream like this lady, try to laugh at them, as though they should know how pathetic their thought process is.
But its hard friend. I don't like it though. I always think no man can ever love me because of this. But I don't think the same thing for you. That means we judge ourselves toooooooo much.
((Hugs))
 

Ruben

Well-Known Member
#3
Hee John,

Welcome to SF. You say you feel depressed, and I know that feeling all too well. I want to help you.

You feel disconnected from others. Alone. And you are trying to distract you from life from getting insane. You say something very interesting. Thoughts start to seem real.

And from what I’m getting those thoughts are quite frightening. Have you ever heard of the quote “thoughts create your reality”?

Think of someone who has schizophrenia for example. They constantly think that something is going to get them. Some thought will pop up in there head like: “someone is waiting for me in front of the doorstep. I must be careful. He is going to hurt me.” They live in constant fear, just because of their thoughts.

Being depressed looks a lot like that. Depression has a lot of fear underneath it. Fear of what people might think of you. Fear of being worthless. Fear of not succeeding in life. Fear of never getting someone to love you. Fear of always being alone. Fear of how you look. Etc.

Your world gets very small and you will get to the point where it seems that the only thing that is left in the world is you. Your fears. And the misery it brings with it.

You say that everyone is afraid of you. That’s a very fearful thought. And it seem probably very real. In fact, for you it IS real. But what makes you think that everyone is afraid of you?
Is it actually true? Or is it just a lie? a fearful thought.

You see…the mind is very powerful in convincing you one thing, and keeping you away from the big picture. You also say you are a gentle soul. And that makes you probably a very likable guy! That’s less of a fearful thought. In fact, it says who you truly are. Why not make that your reality. Why would people be afraid of a gentle soul? Does that make any sense?

What’s holding you back to connect with other people?

You know, my mother is always afraid to fall. Guess what happens, she falls! I can’t count the times it happened already. Well…what if she just stopped thinking that? Just, let it go.

Or a shy person. They have fear of talking to people. Because of what people might think of them. Guess what happens, they don’t talk so that nothing bad can happen. And their fear of not connecting to people comes true.

… but here’s the big question, is it all necessary?...Does life really needs to be that way?...
What if we could be more gentle to ourselves? Think lovely things, instead of fearful ones.
…There is a saying, “the only thing we should fear is fear itself”.

I hope this helps a bit. I know what you are feeling. It’s a process to rewind ourselves from the false believes we have. It takes time. But it lifts the weights from your shoulders. And will help to see the big picture of it all. Be loving. To yourself, as you are to others.
 

Human Ex Machinae

Void Where Prohibited
#4
Everybody is doing the best that they can. I'm no better than anyone and nobody is better than me. We're all just simple people who woke up in this crazy carnival. We do our best and then the carnival goes on and on. But it goes on a little bit better, because while we were here, we did our best.
 

Aprilflowers7

Well-Known Member
#5
Dear John,
I know how you feel. I don't have any friends or a partner. I don't have anything to do so I read and write. I'm on SSI so I don't have any money and can't go on any vacations by myself even. The only thing I get to do is go out with my mother or at a disability program that I don't even like. I even tried going out on a limb and asking people out but they never respond. Some people say they're shy but if they're not concerned that I have to eat, live in a shelter, things like that, then why even bother trying? I also give up because no one ever wants to talk to me anyway. I wish I looked like the female version of you. I have five scars. My mother is single and she is pretty enough. My aunt was pretty and she didn't really have any friends. Sometimes it just happens. Maybe you should try some single's dances or something? Just to get out of the house. I go to the disability program just to get out of the house although it is too embarrassing to tell other people that I go there. And I don't have any friends at the disability program. Some men there talk to me but they are obsessive and compulsive and can't even drive anyway. So it depends on what you think is a necessity for a relationship. There is no shame in being alone though. I also feel embarrassed when I just go places with my mother or my family, because I never have anyone else to do anything with. Maybe you need to find someone who is interested in the same things as you are or something. But like I said, there is no shame in being alone, sometimes you still feel alone in a room full of people. It all depends on you.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
I can relate. I have had big dogs and people are so deathly afraid of a 110lb big black dog....while they dont know it is very friendly and wants to say hello. While people flock to a taco bell dog a chihuahua and they are the meanest dog pound for pound and get bit. And still go for them vs a friendly black giant of a dog.

I do not understand people either. I rather deal w big dogs i do not know vs any chance with small dogs btw.

Cheers @john42076
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#7
I'm wondering where you are. In the world, that is. In the State 6'2" isn't some giant so I'm wondering if you're from somewhere else so I'm having a hard time relating to this exactly. My kids are both over 6 foot (one of them is getting over 6'4" now I think) and no one is staring in amazement at them. Maybe it's the build you have that you feel like it freaking people out. But then I also work with very build guys who match what you describe and no one is freaking out on them either. Just trying to get a handle on whether you're tripping on yourself more or if others are more. Very interesting indeed. I'm sorry that you're feeling so weird about yourself though, that's for sure.
 

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