Everyone says the same thing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by M84, Aug 9, 2011.

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  1. M84

    M84 Active Member

    This is about my 4th post about feeling suicidal and depressed. I appreciate all your support with my previous posts but nothing helps.

    Everyone posts:
    Feeling depressed/sad/suicidal is temporary. Suicide solves the temporary problem (I've felt this way since I was 12) I'm 20

    Talk to your doctor about medication (I've been on 8-9 anti-depressants and they all have the same result. Not much.)

    Find a hobby/Find your passion/get something that keeps you going. (if I could wish myself a passion that kept me from feeling bad I wouldn't be posting)

    (If it seems like it's been posted before, it probably has)

    I know it seems that I am angry. I am very angry. I hate my mother, father, nearly the whole population. My insurance is going through a transition so I can't refill my prescription for a few days and I've already missed 3 doses. Withdrawal is starting to make itself known. I've filled my prescription at that pharmacy for 2+ years. The only way I can get some pills to hold me over till the insurance thing goes through I have to pay $7 a pill which is $14 a day. I work in a warehouse. I'm fucking poor. I hate whoever is keeping me from getting my pills.

    I used to cut. I was thrown in a suicide watch. I hate the staff. I hate my mother who put me in there. I hate the people who wrote the policies there. I hate the mentality of suicide watches (in every situation it's good to put someone in there).

    I wish I wasn't born. I wish a bus would run me over tomorrow on my way to my counselor. I wish I would trip and smash my head open. I don't have enough willpower to kill myself. I've wanted to die for 8 years so temporary shouldn't come up in anyone's posts. There is nothing you can say to convince me life is anything more than pointless. You're born. You live. You die.

    fun times..
     
  2. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I don't believe depression is temporary. I mean, it may be for some people, but I think for the most of us, if we've had a taste of it, it's going to come back and haunt us. I know that you can get better from it. I went years feeling okay, I feel okay now, though I recently had some suicidal thoughts after being run down from being sick. I went maybe 6 years where I not only had to deal with depression, but suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I was put on so many different antidepressants, that it wasn't even funny. Sometimes more than one, and the reactions I had to that, wasn't at all pleasant. Nothing worked. The first antidepressant I was put on when all this started, is the first thing I overdosed on. I came to realize that all these pills did, taking them long term, was making me feel suicidal. The nice side effect of these medications. Happy pills yeah sure, not for all of us. There is one that works for me, if I take it short term, like for a few days, if I am really stressed out and depressed, it will help calm both of those issues down, and any anxiety I am feeling. But you may have a 100 ones that don't work right with you, doesn't mean there isn't one that won't.
     
  3. dec.net

    dec.net Member

    Well, as you've probably realized already, your last point is obviously correct, there's nothing one can do about that fact of life without introducing mythical powers and god figures to the picture to make sense of it all; but that would be cheating, wouldn't it? So, nah...
    Life has no inherent meaning - but on the other hand, that also implies that it has just as much or as little meaning as anything else in your life that you still assume to mean something - like what other people think, the bad things that happen to you and other people, the pain you experience and so on. If you assume such negative crap to be meaningful (which I guess you do), then you can reasonably allow yourself to think that your life and you as a person are meaningful as well. That's not more than fair, I'd say.

    So what can you reasonably except from posting on a forum such as this? Maybe a few thoughts and ideas on how to cope with your problems better, and perhaps an external perspective on your problems. Well, let's start with that, what I've noticed from your post is that you hate people and situations. That is very good, even though it may not exactly seem like it, but bear with me... A person who hates something or someone intensively has the ability to differentiate between things in their minds; that person may not have the ability to influence those things in reality, but nevertheless it's a far step from being all ambivalent. As I said, if you find hatred for these things, it stands to reason that you also have the potential to feel positively and even loving for something else, even though you might not have found out what that something (or someone) is. I can't promise you that you'll find it out eventually if you keep going on; however, you can greatly increase your chances if you go about searching in a logical, systematic manner.

    ----Alert: Read only if feeling positive enough to at least consider doing SOMETHING, otherwise just skip the following bit of possibly annoying advise and save it for later----

    Something that has helped me was this system: First of all, I'd try and find a little bit of time (like 15 mins on sunday afternoon; regularity is more important than duration and quantity) in your usual schedule which you could use as a timeslot for "personal fun time". No pressure, you don't need to actually enjoy yourself during that time, that'd be a bit much to ask. :) The idea is just to use that tiny span of time to actually try and find out if something you haven't tried for a while or haven't tried at all sucks a bit less than everything else; like, whatever, knitting, going to a park, popping bits of that foil with air bubbles in it, walking around your neighbourhood, masturbating, digging a hole in the ground, swimming in a lake, reading a magazine.
    The rules: a) do only things that don't matter for anybody else - so meeting a friend doesn't count, or going to the park because you can conveniently pick up some groceries for your family on the way back doesn't count either;
    b) try only things that you think can be done without inflicting any real harm on yourself and others. A little bit of harm is ok; if you scratch your hands or knees during some engaging activity, that is perfectly alright. It's not alright though if you notice you do it on purpose; then just stop and switch to something else, but keep the activity in mind and try it again next time, if you're in a better mood.
    c) really try NEW things, just sitting down in front of the TV doesn't count - unless you don't usually watch TV, then it's alright of course.

    Remember not to give yourself any pressure about this, like I said, you don't have to actually enjoy yourself when doing this, or even push through with an activity if you notice you can't bear it - it's all about trying, and doing so on a regular basis. Of course, you should at least give it a bit of time before you stop because it sucks, I guess 10 or 15 minutes isn't too much to ask for anything - you're depressed, so probably you haven't got much better to do anyway, right? ;). On the other hand, if against all odds your activity of choice turns out to be fun, nobody prevents you from doing it for longer than scheduled.

    Well, you might ask yourself why you should do that sort of thing anyway, if you're not actually meant to enjoy it and if it doesn't matter if you don't succeed with what you've intended to do... It's mostly about manipulating the part of your mind that is responsible for the idea, the image you have about yourself. This can be tricked into thinking that you've taken control over some aspect of your life once again, even if it's just the matter of how you spend 15 minutes on sunday afternoon, because it's fairly stupid and by default more concerned with trying than with succeeding. Once it falls for that trick, it will allow you bit by bit to feel more relaxed and even positive about everything else, if you keep up the trickery.

    As I understand it, depression stems mostly from that part of your mind's impression that you as a person have lost control over the events that take place in your life, so it switches to energy-saving mode - "there's nothing I can do, so let's relax until it's all over". Once you start to retake control over at least a tiny aspect of your life and do something for yourself, this part of your mind, which is interpreting all the events and impressions around you and relating them to your idea of yourself as a person, may start to:
    a) allow yourself more go-juice in the form of much needed brain chemicals, since it seems like you need it, but more importantly it may
    b) interpret events in a different, more positive manner, which may even start a positive chain reaction - or at least block the negative chain reaction you're experiencing right now, which tells you that you can't do anything about the stuff that frustrates you, which frustrates you even more, which takes away your energy to do anything, and so bloody on.

    ---- Annoying advise alert over ----

    So, best of luck to you, and if the above sounds like it's completely irrelevant to your problems, best just ignore it and write some more about the actual problems you're facing; however, if your mind starts to rebel when thinking about doing ANYTHING positive for yourself at all, you should really ask yourself why that is and possibly experiment around with tiny doses of controlled "personal enjoyment time", just as much as you think you can bear.

    Chris
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    What is it that has happened in your past that has made you so angry? Have you ever tried confronting what it is that has angered you? I am sorry if you have tried this but I am trying to get a better understanding of why you feel so rotten.
     
  5. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I hear you about everyone saying the same thing and I'm not sure I can say anything that hasn't already been said.
    Even if I did, it's a tough one.

    I don't think depression is temporary either. It's almost as though it haunts you even when you think maybe you might be having a happy moment or enjoying yourself.

    There is definitely something missing in your life.
    I feel the same.
    People say that you have to go out and get it and only you can truly make yourself happy. But it's not so simple.

    I hope that you will have a moment, even a brief one to do something for yourself that makes you happy...even if it's only for 5 minutes. Just go for it. You may find yourself right back feeling sad but just a little bit of happy time or comfort time for you is a good thing.
    I think you are worth it.

    Sorry I can't say much to help but I care and I'll listen anytime and I mean that.
     
  6. M84

    M84 Active Member

    dec.net:

    I have thoroughly read your post. I'm very glad you posted that information. You obviously are quite intelligent and understand human psyche quite well.

    I'm going to attempt that experiment. If I'm able to keep it going, notice positive, or negative results I will pm you.

    Thank you.
     
  7. M84

    M84 Active Member

    butterfly:

    I would have to say the things that anger me are:

    My Mother: She's mentally abusive, controlling and emotionally unstable to put it very generally. She meets some criteria for "Borderline Personality Disorder" but has never been diagnosed as it is very hard and requires much psychiatry which she has had none. I hate her the most. I wish both of my parents dead but I focus more on her death.

    My Father: He's mentally abusive, bipolar (says he isn't while having the diagnosis), angry, yells and gets upset over minimal things and stupid. I say he's stupid not because I'm angry at him but because I genuinely believe him to be a very stupid person. Both of my parents have the intention of doing well for me but my father goes about it very horrible ways and those things have been traumatic to me.


    If you talked to my parents they would say they love me, want the very best for me and say there have been some bumpy times along the road. Realistically, my childhood and their parenting job was almost a complete failure. Their parenting job consisted of shoving religion down my throat, wondering if mom will ever come home again, hoping the neighbors don't call the cops because of the loud fights, questioning if I'll ever have some stability in my life.

    Both of them think they're good parents even when I try my hardest to convince them they are stupid, bad parents and mean. Unfortunately I think I dropped a few IQ points in my attempt to prove to them they're stupid as it's impossible for stupid people to realize they're stupid.

    I've lost my train of thought or where I am going with this so if this is too unclear and garbled don't hesitate to ask questions. I look forward to your response. Thank you.
     
  8. M84

    M84 Active Member

    To all other posters, thank you for your posts. I have read each one and appreciate the words.
     
  9. M84

    M84 Active Member

    meme333:

    I think you understand how I feel.
    I have had some moments of genuine happiness lately.

    As far as "something missing in my life" I would agree. I feel like many things are missing but in your opinion or experience, very generally, what do you think is missing? (ex. relationships, activities etc.) If you could guess, what is/was missing in your life?
     
  10. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    In response to your question of what is missing in my life? Well, I'm not sure I have no words for it.
    The only way I can describe it is something very basic and essential is missing. It's so basic like food or shelter....I don't have a word but one may say love, touch, kindness....Doesn't seem the right way to describe it.

    I think something like Maslow's hierarchy of needs is not accurate at all.
    Love and Belonging is in stage three. I guess I don't agree because how many times do you hear of something like failure to thrive when babies don't receive the love they need? In this case the physiological and safety needs aren't truly primary are they?
    I'm sure this could be debated and one could say it's basic survival but so much more is needed than food and shelter.

    A totally opposite example would be people who beat the odds at something thought to be physically impossible like illness because of support and oh, sorry I don't have words but people with a will to survive.

    I guess I just feel humans are much more than a body. I know that's not a news flash or anything but some things are just as important as food and shelter if not more so for survival. Whatever that "thing" is, well that's what I feel is missing.

    Probably didn't make much sense here but I'm trying.
     
  11. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I feel silly having said all that.
    I just don't have the words. It's just an emptiness, a hunger that never goes away.
    How to fill it is the problem?

    I've never been able to fill it even when kind people have come and gone.

    I guess I never trust them to stay and they don't so I'm proven correct.

    Sorry not very good responses.
     
  12. M84

    M84 Active Member

    I understand what you're trying to say. I guess I can kind of relate to that in some ways.
     
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I know what's missing and what I want, a relationship & a career. I can survive without either but I doubt I'll really succeed at being happy without that. What I can't survive without is my health. If it doesn't keep improving and I end up really sick again, anything fails to work, or if something seriously goes wrong, I know I'm going to lose my will to live. Most everything in life has some form of solution, but when your health is bad, you don't get that privilege.
     
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