everyone sucks including me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Piexes, Sep 25, 2016.

  1. Piexes

    Piexes Well-Known Member

    he sucked, my friends sucked. one didn't even bother texting me weeks after I told him about suicidal feelings, because i am that unimportant, just an annoyance. i lost a lot of respect for him after that. i don't know why i bothered texting him again, i clearly don't matter, just a pity acquaintance. why do i forgive people? why am I always the one apologizing? why don't they ever apologize?

    because i am nothing to them.

    i want to go somewhere. but if i go somewhere i will be alone. i cant even appreciate beauty in places because there is no one to share moments with. i want shared moments with someone who doesn't see me as a fucking nuisance, pathetic, boring shell of a person. i just want moments that are light, and full of life. but he made me feel like death clings to me. i can't be light, i can't be fun. i always have to read into everything, analyze everything, so much that it sucks the fun out of it, and i understand what he means, because I've been repelled by people for the same reasons. clinging, thirsty, selfish, dull people reeking of desparation. it's awful, banal and ugly... it's too much, i was too much. so starved for life that it was scary.

    everyone wants to use me for sex, or to fill their ego, something to show off. but I'm too creepy and intense and sad and empty for anyone I like to stay interested...and i treat people the same way. people using each other. I can't even justify my frustration, i'd be a hypocrite.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. Piexes

    Piexes Well-Known Member

    being this low is when you need true, honest friendship & concern the most, but it's the exact thing that drives true & honest, loving connection away.
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Hello lillium-I'm a frequent flier here on SF. I'm sorry that you're at such a low point on your path. You obviously think a lot about how you feel and how you make other people feel. You talk a lot about friends, relationships, love, honesty, etc. The one thing that I noticed that was missing was any indication that you have a loving, honest relationship with yourself. I'm 53 years old-my first attempt at suicide was when I was 13, I struggled with chronic (life-threatening) depression for over 20 years and I can tell you without hesitation that love of self is a must, if you are ever going to be able to love others and let them love you.

    It all starts with your relationship with yourself. If there is no relationship with yourself, or even worse a very toxic relationship with yourself (self-loathing, self-hate) all of your relationships will be affected. So the good news is that you don't have to go anywhere to begin to heal this difficult time in your life, you don't need to spend a lot of money or go to exotic retreats-you just need to begin a dialogue with yourself that is brutally frank, and start figuring out where you are in all of the craziness. What is your responsibility in the relationships that hurt you? Which brings me to the bad news-it is no one else's job to fix your life or make you complete, it's your job. In fact-no matter how much someone might love or care about you, if you don't love and care about yourself, none of it will matter, you still won't be happy.

    So please be kind to yourself-you've been through so much, existed with so much pain inside of your heart for so long-isn't it time that you let yourself off of the hook so that you can take a break and find some peace? There is so much hate in the world-it is impossible to avoid it, it's all around us everyday. The least that we can do is be kind to ourselves-often in life, we get to the point where no one else will be kind to us. I'm sorry if this is bad news for you-but I hope that you get to the point soon where you realize that you deserve to be loved and treated respectfully-you deserve to feel peace in your heart, at least most of the time. Life is difficult-no one has a perfect, pain free life, but it is possible to get to a place where we don't beat ourselves up everyday. Become your best friend, not your worst enemy and soon your life will begin to change for the better. Best of luck to you-LT
    DrownedFishOnFire and Piexes like this.