he sucked, my friends sucked. one didn't even bother texting me weeks after I told him about suicidal feelings, because i am that unimportant, just an annoyance. i lost a lot of respect for him after that. i don't know why i bothered texting him again, i clearly don't matter, just a pity acquaintance. why do i forgive people? why am I always the one apologizing? why don't they ever apologize? because i am nothing to them. i want to go somewhere. but if i go somewhere i will be alone. i cant even appreciate beauty in places because there is no one to share moments with. i want shared moments with someone who doesn't see me as a fucking nuisance, pathetic, boring shell of a person. i just want moments that are light, and full of life. but he made me feel like death clings to me. i can't be light, i can't be fun. i always have to read into everything, analyze everything, so much that it sucks the fun out of it, and i understand what he means, because I've been repelled by people for the same reasons. clinging, thirsty, selfish, dull people reeking of desparation. it's awful, banal and ugly... it's too much, i was too much. so starved for life that it was scary. everyone wants to use me for sex, or to fill their ego, something to show off. but I'm too creepy and intense and sad and empty for anyone I like to stay interested...and i treat people the same way. people using each other. I can't even justify my frustration, i'd be a hypocrite.