Everyone will be better off

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by skyrose, Sep 15, 2012.

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  1. skyrose

    skyrose Member

    I really can't understand why God allows someone like me to wake up every morning. I wish and hope every night that i wont but for some reason I always do. I try to hold back my tears, I don't deserve them anyway. I am an awful person. Everything I do, say, think, feel, or love is wrong and bad. Ever since I can remember I have been shunned by my family. I guess because I am the result of an affair my mother had. She has even told me I ruined all 3 of her marriages. I am not sure how but I guess it is just because I was born. Growing up I had no friends and was teased endlessly by other kids because I was over weight and was only allowed 1 shower a week at home, and had to wear awful clothes. My step father beat me every day because he didn't like my father and my mother allowed it. I married at 17 to a man who also abused me by the time I was 21 I had 3 children. He left me when my oldest was only 4. Said because I was a piece of shit and he found better. I tried so hard to be a good mother and raised my babies alone but that didn't work either. When my oldest was 18 she went to the courts with her father and made up a lot of lies about me. They told the court I was an I.V. drug addict and an alcoholic. I never touched drugs or drank but no one would believe me. I ended up losing my kids to their father and one to my mother while I got supervised visits with my teenage kids. 2 weeks after that my mother saw to it I lost my home of 14 years. That was 2 years ago, I have since remarried but I have managed to ruin that as well. My husband drinks and in July we got into an argument and he broke my computer and cell phone. I called the police to just calm him down, but the arrested him instead. He spent 5 days in jail because of me. The judge even issued an order of protection that I didn't ask for or need, so now I can not see or talk to my husband in any way or he will go back to jail. I am now once again homeless. I am not allowed to go home. I have told the judge and the lawyers this so many times but they just don't care. The county will not help me find shelter and my family says I can't stay with them, shoot my mother tells me she can't stand the sound of my voice let alone let me stay with her. I can't stay with my husbands family because they all hate me now because of what i did. I am staying with a acquaintance at the moment but she says I have to leave in a few days. I have no where to go. I am physically disabled, sometimes I can not walk or use my arms, I still have no friends. It seems I have managed to lose everything that ever meant something to me. I ruin everything I touch. Everyone I know hates me and the ones I don't know think I am an abusive drug addict. I am sure my husband will never want to see me again. I really truly think the best thing for everyone is for me to just go. If if wasn't around I couldn't cause anymore trouble for anyone at all. I tried before but was found out, but this time I know no one will know because no one cares where I am and wont bother to look for me. Sorry this is so long.
     
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are all friends here. i am quite lonely myself.
     
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