Everything and Nothing to Live For

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cds, Aug 26, 2012.

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  1. cds

    cds Member

    I am a very private person who does not share the details of my life with anyone, including my friends, family, and psychiatrist. I do not have a therapist because I do not want to talk about myself. Posting here anonymously is a relief.

    I am very sad and alone. I've tried all I can and as hard as I can to overcome depression. I've been very successful on the outside in my career and in my life, but feel so tired on the inside. I made a few suicide attempts in the past year that were quite serious -- I had to be revived, etc. I was in the hospital for months. Then, when I was released, everyone knew everything about me and they all had expectations that I would return to my normal state of conforming to the professional, sterile, standards of existence. And I have. I do not ever want anyone to know anything about me again.

    My mom died right before I made my three serious attempts. I think her passing freed me from the guilt of hurting her that used to keep me alive. Now I have nothing to tie me to my life. I have a six year old son and a husband, but they would be better off without me.

    Every day since my last suicide attempt in March, I regret that I didn't succeed. I have the means to try again and a detailed plan. I want to minimize my family's suffering while achieving an end to my own suffering. I guess I don't know why I'm posting this message except to feel less alone without incurring the consequences of revealing myself to anyone I actually know.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. jamesonnk

    jamesonnk Member

    I can guarantee you one thing and that is that your son needs a mother. I know that it seems selfish of everyone else to expect you to suffer but believe me, you would cause nothing but pain for your family. I understand how awful the sterile, patronizing enviornments are and I hate them too. I had to do the whole hospital cycle as well and I was absolutely miserable. But then i got on medication and I haven't been back since. I swear that it's worth it. Talk to your husband, sometimes just telling someone makes it so much better. It seems impossible and impractical now but you're going to look back on this and be so proud of yourself. Your son needs a mother and your family needs you. If you're not doing this for yourself, do this for them. Please hang on a little longer sweetie. I am here if you need to talk, anytime.
    (sorry i couldnt be more helpful)
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If you do share with psychiatrist or even have a therapist then you have not tried as hard as you can to overcome depression. As much as you may like to believe believe your mom passing "relieved you of guilt", I think it at least as likely as it was grief that made you make your attempts. Quite simply if for no other reason then you feel none of that guilt towards your husband or even your own son. You would do well to remember the pain of your mothers passing and multiply it 20 fold to get an idea of what your suicide would do to your son and husband. It is simply a case that you are putting your interest of "privacy" above your self interest in living and the needs of your family. Call your psychiatrist and get the help you need.
  4. OCD

    OCD Member

    Your case shows that your motivations towards ending your life is due to feeling alone and depression, my advice would be to see professional help because these feelings have reasons, there is a reason for your depression, the reason may be partially due to losing your mother, but a professional can explain further and understand better, I have a psychiatrist who explained to me my reasons for my depressive state and trust me it really helps to come to understand your feelings and emotions, but however as you have stated you don't like opening up to people and that may be an issue but you have to realise the benefits and how much better you will feel after you do open up, you can talk to a professional without anyone of your family or anyone else knowing, and as some of these people in this site have already said , if you love your son don't leave him to suffer in this world, I hope this really helped, and hope you will please listen to all the peoples advice, it will make a difference,

    its possible to get some information about a psychiatrist and get hold of his phone number and talk to him via phone and explain to him why you can't tell him your name and would prefer to be anonymous, then pour your heart out to him, this is a possibility and I know someone who has done this before, I am sorry for your pain, I may not be old enough to understand but I'm here if you need to talk to someone
  5. cds

    cds Member

    Thanks for your input. You are all right, especially about my son. I suppose that I am thinking of my own interests when I try to convince myself that he would be better off without me. But I feel like such a terrible person for being so depressed. I don't want him to think that life is depressing just because I am depressed -- what kind of message am I sending him? But of course, it is illogical to solve that by killing myself.

    I am so scared to tell anyone how I feel because I have just somewhat regained an ounce of trust and people no longer look at me solely as the crazy person who tried to kill herself. So, I am supposed to be cured and well and if I admit that I still feel badly, then I will be right back where I started. Does anyone have any ideas about how to discuss this with others outside of this forum, without freaking them out or being in the hospital? I think that I would become exponentially more depressed and demoralized if I went right back to where I started -- i.e., in the hospital with people knowing about my situation and treating me like a weirdo.

  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I feel badly that you are suffering depression and I wish there was something I could say that would help, but only you can find that. What I am confused about is how you can consider something like this when you have a child. As a parent myself, I would suffer any pain for any amount of time for the well being of my child. Our children need their parents, happy or not. Your son should be your motivation for seeking wellness at any cost.
  7. cds

    cds Member

    I know. I'm sorry. I just feel like I have tried everything and this would not only end my suffering but his as well -- he doesn't have to grow up with a mother who is always depressed. I know. I feel so guilty about even thinking about it. I'm a terrible person and am so ashamed of myself which is one of the reasons I don't want to seek help. I don't want anyone to know how awful I am. I'm sorry.
  8. cds

    cds Member

    I hate myself for even thinking about it. Thanks for reminding me of what I have to do. I'm too ashamed of myself to even post anymore. I'm going to quit the forum. Thanks.
  9. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    It seems like worrying about how others may perceive you is going to be a path toward destruction for you.

    The challenge against other peoples perceptions will have to be one you accept or surrender to. Its sounds like you are good at conquering external challenges.

    I'm reminded of how my mother's battles with anxiety, grief, and cancer has made me aware of her as a three dimensional being.

    I have no doubt that the most important people in your life will love and respect a fully revealed three dimensional you!

    Don't be afraid
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Please don't hate yourself over that. Just gain an awareness. I was purposely blunt about it to make a point, well taken. Do not be ashamed. The first steps toward getting better are to start by acceptance, then to move to sharing with PEERS (that would be people here, or friends you trust and who'd understand), and then learning to care about yourself. Once you care about you, others will too. Your son may sense that you are down, but you can work toward doing things that will keep him from ever being down. Learn to smile around him, even if you've pain inside. Then, as you experience the joy of him and his being happy, you can absorb some of that into yourself.

    Don't stop posting. Post more. Discuss. Learn. Share. Help others too. There is purpose with being wanted. You're wanted here.
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