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Everything Crashing Down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xfault, Dec 18, 2007.

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  1. xfault

    xfault New Member

    This is the first time I've posted here, I'll just go in and explain why I'm feeling the way I do

    Several things seemed to have happened at once:
    1. My girlfriend broke up with me
    2. Found out my mother has cancer
    3. All the friends I had are now too busy with their own life

    I never had any luck with women, and I've always been alone, always wanting to find the perfect girl of my dreams. Back in July I was playing World of Warcraft and it just so happened that there was a girl I played with that lived in the state I do, but was going to college in a different state. We started talking, hit it off, and decided to see each other when she came back to visit her family. We spent a week together, had a great time, went to the beach for a couple days, really romantic and it was the best week of my life. I was so happy that I found someone that matched every single quality I wanted in a girl - Smarts, was good looking, played video games, was computer savy, etc. It was an amazing feeling, and she was the first girl that ever really cared about me. The only problem was she was still going to college far away, and we decided that I would eventually move in with her to be together.

    After a little while after we met in person, I can't explain why, but I became distant with her. I never seemed to want to talk to her - She was on birth control pills and would have mood swings, I guess that was one of the reasons. I then began to think that I shouldn't move to be with her, that I had friends and family here. It was a difficult time, and I lost sight of how amazing she actually was, and didn't appriciate the fact that this absolutely amazing, beautiful woman wanted to be with me. Eventually she decided that I didn't care enough about her, and broke up with me. Ever since then, I have felt nothing but deep, deep regret. I could do nothing but replay the past months in my head, wishing that I could go back and re-do it, tell myself how much I really did care about her. I got so obsessed with the idea that everyday I would research witchcraft (I never believed in it before, and I'm not religious in any way) to see if there was any sort of wish spells I could do to just have me wake up and be 3 months ago.

    Obviously it's not possible, although I want to believe it - very much. There are many other things that happened with her after that, mostly talking about how she felt I was never really in love with her, and she was never in love with me, etc etc. Every morning I wake up, she is the first thing I think about, and I can't go 5 minutes without her popping into my mind. I just keep daydreaming about what it could have been like if only I had done things different, if only I had a second chance.

    While this was all going on, we found my mom had cancer in her uterus. At first it didn't really affect me as they said it could be safely removed, so I was not too worried. Then, later on, I heard that it was a 90% chance that it didn't spread. Now I began thinking about the other 10%. I was never really close to my mother even though I still with with my parents. Even right now, I never really open up to her or try to spend time with her, I just feel its embarrassing to try and act like a completely different person to her all of the sudden.

    Also meanwhile, I was supposed to apply to a college here, transferring from a community college. I kept putting it off and putting it off since I was depressed constantly, and eventually (a week ago) I did submit my application, but it's most likely too late to start in the spring, and now I'm going to be wasting another semester of my life working at a job I don't really enjoy with nothing and no one to come home to after I'm done. All of the friends I used to hang out with before, they all have girlfriends now and barely talk to me, or want to hang out. I thought I had some decent friends, but thats apparently not the case anymore, and I'm back to being alone every night.

    I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like my life is just crashing down, and I have no one to turn to. Everything I do reminds me of the woman I lost, and everything else reminds me of the other things that are going on in my life. Lately I've been thinking about ending my own life. I don't really want to, but as time goes on I see it as a viable option more and more. Nothing I do can get my mind off any of these matters - I can't play World of Warcraft because it reminds me of the girl, I can't play video games, I can't do anything. I just pace around my room all day thinking about things, and I'm just afraid of myself.
  2. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Hello Xfault from Middlesbrough in the North East of England.

    Firstly, you are certainly not alone ! I myself have so many many regrets about a lost love when I wish that I could turn the clock back or wish that something didn't happen.

    Well it did ! . . . . very recently.

    So wanted to end everything. I missed her so much . . . I still miss her now. The most horrible feeling of regret.

    Same as you, when I wake, I see her . . . when I sleep, I see her with her new man. So much hurt.

    But then . . . . .

    Just as you did, I posted a subject for the first time on this site. The things that I read made me think so deeply and so hard about things.

    One guy said to me something like . . . If you loved this girl so much and she lied and messed you about and didn't love you, then just imagine meeting someone that really does love you ! Imagine just how things could be . . .

    This changed everything for me.

    Perhaps this for you was not meant to happen with this girl.

    But hey, things do "turn a turn" and love will come. If you want it, then just wait your time. You will meet someone believe me. What you should do right now to get out of that loneliness trap is to join some of the internet dating sites and keep talking to people. Look for female friends first . . . the rest will happen in time.

    I pray that you and your Mom are kept safe and that your Mom comes through this ok. There's some amazing treatments out there now. I hope your Mom is cured of this. You have to be strong for your Mom regardless.

    And so Xfault, thanks for coming onto this site. You will find that we are all the same here. We love and support each other here. We never judge and we will stay with you and never ever abandon you.

    Be strong friend.

    Kind regards

  3. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    :welcome: to the forum here. i'm sorry to hear that things have taken the turn they have for you. i believe something or should i say someone even better will come along for you it just may take some time. if there was one there is another that's all there is to it. so please hang in there. the easiest way to get through that situation is to accept the situation for the way it is. there is something about acceptance that does wonders.

    i'm also sorry to hear about your mother. i hope she can receive the best treatment possible. focus on the 90%. positive thinking can do a lot for a person it's a proven fact. hang on and please feel free to continue to vent as you need here we'll listen. please take care
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