everything doesn't get better

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Dennis, Apr 11, 2010.

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  1. Dennis

    Dennis Member

    It's not always true that everything is going to get better, even though this sounds nice. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I do not dislike the world, just what has become of my place in it (thanks to nothing but pure bad luck). I also would never counsel anyone to commit suicide, but suicide, for me, seems like the best choice: I hope there is something better for me on the other side... I've been reading a lot about reincarnation lately (very interesting).
    I've never discussed my plans with anyone before this, and I'm not even sure why I am doing so now. I found this place on google while researching different methods of suicide. From what I've read so far, it seems that most of you still have hope and that you are here providing support and comfort for each other (commendable, of course), and I do wish all of you the best. I don't know what I have to offer, or what I expect to get from being here, except that it does feel good to be able to express myself about this issue... how far I want to take that is another question.
    So, hmmm... let me introduce myself. My name is Dennis. I'm divorced, with a beautiful 20-yr-old daughter (Stephanie). I suffered brain-damage from a head trauma last October, the 14th to be exact... before that I was a teacher (history). Now I have difficulty just taking care of myself. My sense of time is very distorted, and I have trouble forming new memories. I have to write notes to myself to remember things that I need to do and I often find myself 'lost', not knowing what I was doing even just a few minutes ago. I've isolated myself from my friends and family: it is uncomfortable and embarrassing for me to socialize. I have an enormous amount of depression and anxiety, helped (I suppose) by lots of Valium and alcohol; I take anti-depressants too, but I don't think they actually do anything. For consolation, I have my memories, which are pretty good, and sleeping; sometimes I think I'm going to 'wake up' and find out these last few months have been just a bad dream.
    Okay, that's it for now. Thanks for reading this. I'll check back soon.

  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Dennis, Welcome to the forums.. You know you shouldn't drink with AD's.. Alcohol kills the effects of them.. Are you in therapy?? They can teach you skills to help with your memory..I hope you find yourself again.. Suicide is not the answer.,.
  3. Dennis

    Dennis Member

    Hey 'stranger1', thanks for your response and the advice. Reading now what I wrote yesterday, and I do remember writing it (so it's not like I'm a total amnesiac), two words come to mind for myself: 'selfish' and 'cowardly', especially since I have a 20-yr-old daughter. I may change my mind (I do a lot of that these days... <g>), but right now I'm thinking that I need to stick around, face my life, and forget about suicide.
    And you're right, I know, about alcohol and anti-depressants. And some of my problems (confusion and a kind of mental dullness) probably have more to do with depression than anything else. I really have trouble with the anxiety, which I think has to do with my distorted sense of time (very hard to explain) and short-term memory problem, but it's only been 6 months since I got hurt so I believe I need to keep telling myself that this (anxiety) will diminish over time. I read a line that wasn't directed at me but may well apply to me: "it's not a question of getting back to normal but of establishing a NEW normal".
    I'm determined, right now anyway, to be a little tougher and try to make the best of whatever it is that life has in store for me. If the anxiety and depression (especially the anxiety) diminish over time, and I guess there's reason to think they will, I might make it to a ripe old age after all.
    Speaking of age, it's very sad to see how many people here contemplating suicide are just kids... I think I'm probably one of the oldest people here. I read something from a girl the same age as my daughter: she's considering suicide because she's depressed and has an eating disorder. "Good grief", I think to myself... she has her whole life ahead of her. I'm old enough to see that she'd be making a mistake and, ahem, old enough to say the same about myself.
    I don't believe that everyone who contemplates suicide is being selfish and cowardly, quite the contrary (hell is real all right, but it's a place on earth... some people live there and I don't blame them for seeking an exit), but I think that I am.
    Anyway, if you or anyone else here has any thoughts about any of this, I'm all ears.

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Well done! I'm glad to hear you are thinking more positively..My daughter is 29 and I have an eight year old grandaughter who keeps me going.. She gives the best hugs and hangs on,..lol..Sometimes they have to pry her off me..Well thats what keeps me going.. Just think you will be a grandpa one of these days..Your doing well, try to stay on that poitive path..PM me anytime if you are down.. I am on line in the mornings..Or my email is in my profile..Take care!!
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    glad you're having second thoughts...as stranger said..stick around to see your grandchildren...they give you a reason to survive...
    I'm an "oldie" to...
    take care
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi and welcome. I'm glad you've decided to keep fighting. :hug: Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.
  7. Dennis

    Dennis Member

    Thanks for the welcome, folks. I think I'll be spending some time here, for my own good and also to give support to anyone else who needs it. And, ditto on the emails or messaging. If there's anything I can do for you, I'll do it.
    I'm still feeling pretty well. I think just writing it down (that first post really was the first time I'd mentioned anything about my suicidal thoughts to anyone) helped me out quite a bit. It helps to be in touch with people who understand how I feel.
    Peace and love to you.
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