Hey. I was emotionally abused by my dad for the first 15 years of my life, he was also violent at times; lived with constant fear of death over him wanting to kill me or my mom. Also, I was bullied horribly through grades 1-6, with no friends, no support from my parents or anyone close to me. I also felt like I was going to get beat up whenever i left school, or stabbed or beat to death. The first relationship i had was with a mentally unstable girl when i was 14, and since i had never had anyone close to me, I felt absurdly much for her, I loved her like crazy. Then one day I heard from my then-best-friend that she'd been messing around with another guy and that kinda broke me. really nasty stuff. Fast-forward 7 years, I'm on academic leave from college, in a dark place, depressed. Sometimes I get these urges to kill myself. I just imagine <mod edit - methods> And it terrifies me, because i feel like I'm almost losing control and I can't help it and I'm about to fucking pop and break. Officially I've been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, and that's from visiting a psych for a month, because I couldn't bring myself to keep going there. It felt useless, and she didn't seem to care about my issues too much. Nowadays, I try doing as much as I can to get out of the campus, to live life, to enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, to find a reason to live. But, then again, I get these overwhelming moments, where I feel like the world is a horrible place to live and I cannot manage and I cannot protect myself or anyone around me from anything. I love the people around me and I want to keep them safe, but if I can't even feel safe by myself, I cannot keep them safe. The world is just fucking horrible, dangerous, painful, and unbelievably cruel and I cannot help myself. I just keep feeling like everything is fucked, horrible, terrible, sad, and I might die whenever me and my girlfriend leave the house. I want to keep her safe. She's everything. I'm up some nights when I'm panicking, shivering and drinking to keep myself from thinking of everything. Also, I feel like I make my entire family feel ashamed of me, because I'm a no good nobody. Please help me.