Everything feels horrible and dangerous.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by monkeybars, Mar 30, 2016.

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  1. monkeybars

    monkeybars New Member


    I was emotionally abused by my dad for the first 15 years of my life, he was also violent at times; lived with constant fear of death over him wanting to kill me or my mom.
    Also, I was bullied horribly through grades 1-6, with no friends, no support from my parents or anyone close to me. I also felt like I was going to get beat up whenever i left school, or stabbed or beat to death.

    The first relationship i had was with a mentally unstable girl when i was 14, and since i had never had anyone close to me, I felt absurdly much for her, I loved her like crazy. Then one day I heard from my then-best-friend that she'd been messing around with another guy and that kinda broke me. really nasty stuff.

    Fast-forward 7 years, I'm on academic leave from college, in a dark place, depressed.
    Sometimes I get these urges to kill myself. I just imagine <mod edit - methods> And it terrifies me, because i feel like I'm almost losing control and I can't help it and I'm about to fucking pop and break.
    Officially I've been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, and that's from visiting a psych for a month, because I couldn't bring myself to keep going there. It felt useless, and she didn't seem to care about my issues too much.
    Nowadays, I try doing as much as I can to get out of the campus, to live life, to enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, to find a reason to live. But, then again, I get these overwhelming moments, where I feel like the world is a horrible place to live and I cannot manage and I cannot protect myself or anyone around me from anything. I love the people around me and I want to keep them safe, but if I can't even feel safe by myself, I cannot keep them safe.
    The world is just fucking horrible, dangerous, painful, and unbelievably cruel and I cannot help myself. I just keep feeling like everything is fucked, horrible, terrible, sad, and I might die whenever me and my girlfriend leave the house. I want to keep her safe. She's everything.

    I'm up some nights when I'm panicking, shivering and drinking to keep myself from thinking of everything. Also, I feel like I make my entire family feel ashamed of me, because I'm a no good nobody.

    Please help me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2016
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry to hear what you've been through, and for how you are struggling now. PTSD is terrible; but you can be helped to deal with these things better.

    Not all psychiatrists work with everyone; would you consider trying to see a new one? You really need help; and you deserve to get it as well.
    Are you on any medication to help you? If so it would be worth talking to your doctor about that, perhaps you need sleep aids? Those sleepless nights aren't helping you.

    And alcohol, you have to know is a depressant, and it doesn't help your symptoms though you may believe it does... the thing about alcohol is that it only strengthens any emotion you have at the moment. So if you're anxious or depressed...

    My boyfriend is in therapy for his PTSD (I have it too but haven't been given the diagnosis) he felt like it wasn't helping him enough so I have read up on DBT and PTSD; and I truly believe it can work... he's written up for that, and so am I too... I've tried it before but this time I am truly ready to work on it. DBT therapy helps by giving and training your brain to have healthier reactions when you panic so you don't have to engage in dangerous behaviours.

    Do not give up. It can get better! *hugs*
  3. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    as far as focusing on all the negatives in the world, i like CBT for this. i used to cope with it by drinking but now i kind of talk myself through it. maybe religion could help you? i personally believe in God or Higher Power(s) and that helps me
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