I'm going downhill again... Last night I was really worried about going to the first DBT session... I ended up hurting myself over it... DBT turned out to be a not so nice experience... and yet... I am glad it's a group of people with the same personality disorder (avoidant) so I don't have to worry about someone displaying strong emotions, which will surely freak me out... But the deal is... my therapist lied to me. I trust her a lot... and now I've caught her lying (I suspect for my own good... but... that's not how it works for me. ) She made me believe it was an all girls group. And it was assuring somehow. It's something I want to work on... but I am scared of being around men. I've been hurt so many times... it feels like 9 out of 10 men I've known have hurt me (probably my anxiety trying to do the math here...). There's a total of 9 people in the group (myself included) 5 of these are men. One even lives in my building. Another of the men (Again, it might be me reading too much into things... but it was how I felt) was staring at my boobs the entire 2 hours through. (I've been 'blessed' with unnaturally large breasts due to genes and weight)... and after the sessions I went for the loo, where another of the guys were, and he was being flirty and way too polite. It was hard enough to go to a group already. Damnit. Males are a big trigger for me... and yes, as I said, it's something I do want to work on... but not like that. To top it off, I left therapy with a very high anxiety level, and nearly had a heart attack when they tested the sirens. I should have remembered, they do that every first Wednesday in May at 12. Even if I quickly reminded me of that, I was panicking. I then got an email from the job center... on Tuesday my new caseworker wants a meeting about a plan for the next 6 months. I was supposed to be 'spared' because the things we're stirring up in therapy have messed me up major. On most days I can't even leave my own flat. I am dealing with constant urges to SH and is suicidal on impulse. And they want to start me on all sorts of activities? I have lately started to choke up when I have to talk, especially in front of strangers. My voice just disappears due to anxiety... How the heck am I going to go to that meeting and say what I need to say?? And even worse... what if I cry? It almost happened today. (crying is extremely shameful for me... since I was a little girl my mum would beat me or do other violent things to punish it) I tried to email my therapist about it, but she told me to go, to train this ability to 'feel' and 'allow' my anxiety. I had hoped she could contact them or something... but nope... She even said that sadly I didn't have a meeting with her before, so we could practice. LIES! Again... We have a session on Monday. Oh, and she also wrote that 'since she heard the DBT session today went so well...'. F*ck it. I am already considering just making myself a pillow fort within my apartment and never leave it, not go to any more sessions or meetings... just let the world rot.