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Everything feels wrong

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, May 4, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm going downhill again...

    Last night I was really worried about going to the first DBT session... I ended up hurting myself over it...

    DBT turned out to be a not so nice experience... and yet... I am glad it's a group of people with the same personality disorder (avoidant) so I don't have to worry about someone displaying strong emotions, which will surely freak me out...

    But the deal is... my therapist lied to me. I trust her a lot... and now I've caught her lying (I suspect for my own good... but... that's not how it works for me. )

    She made me believe it was an all girls group. And it was assuring somehow.

    It's something I want to work on... but I am scared of being around men. I've been hurt so many times... it feels like 9 out of 10 men I've known have hurt me (probably my anxiety trying to do the math here...).

    There's a total of 9 people in the group (myself included) 5 of these are men. One even lives in my building.
    Another of the men (Again, it might be me reading too much into things... but it was how I felt) was staring at my boobs the entire 2 hours through. (I've been 'blessed' with unnaturally large breasts due to genes and weight)... and after the sessions I went for the loo, where another of the guys were, and he was being flirty and way too polite.

    It was hard enough to go to a group already. Damnit.

    Males are a big trigger for me... and yes, as I said, it's something I do want to work on... but not like that.

    To top it off, I left therapy with a very high anxiety level, and nearly had a heart attack when they tested the sirens. I should have remembered, they do that every first Wednesday in May at 12. Even if I quickly reminded me of that, I was panicking.

    I then got an email from the job center... on Tuesday my new caseworker wants a meeting about a plan for the next 6 months. I was supposed to be 'spared' because the things we're stirring up in therapy have messed me up major. On most days I can't even leave my own flat. I am dealing with constant urges to SH and is suicidal on impulse.

    And they want to start me on all sorts of activities?

    I have lately started to choke up when I have to talk, especially in front of strangers. My voice just disappears due to anxiety... How the heck am I going to go to that meeting and say what I need to say?? And even worse... what if I cry? It almost happened today. (crying is extremely shameful for me... since I was a little girl my mum would beat me or do other violent things to punish it)

    I tried to email my therapist about it, but she told me to go, to train this ability to 'feel' and 'allow' my anxiety. I had hoped she could contact them or something... but nope... She even said that sadly I didn't have a meeting with her before, so we could practice. LIES! Again... We have a session on Monday.

    Oh, and she also wrote that 'since she heard the DBT session today went so well...'.

    F*ck it.

    I am already considering just making myself a pillow fort within my apartment and never leave it, not go to any more sessions or meetings... just let the world rot.
  2. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    You are right to be mad at your therapist. trust is very important. Hopefully she will apologize and you will be able to forgive her. I hope you will like those sessions despite the presences of men.

    Good luck for the job center and pls pls stop SH.

    One last thing: Don't forget the positive in your life: Your boyfriend. Focus on him in hard times. I would kill for someone to love me and so would most people here.

    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. Mason Williams

    Mason Williams Banned Member

    Hey man I know how you feel with all of this social anxiety. I went through all of my elementary school years without any friends and I was miserable in seventh grade trying to figure out how to carry a conversation and not choke up at simply asking a question. God knows I was even more of a mess around the opposite sex. But believe me when I tell you there IS hope-a surplus of it actually. I've conquered this beast, and I while there all still some things Im working on, I now enjoy being able to carry deep meaningful conversations with complete strangers in the most awkward of circumstances- this was unthinkable for me just a year ago! Whatever you do, dont give into the lies. You're not alone and you're loved. If you wanna talk im more than happy to-actually id call it a privilege, because I see a warrior in you. Much love!-Mason
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  4. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about your therapist and the lieing situation. It shouldn't be like that at all.. you should be able to trust her. Would you be able to bring up your concerns with her and how it made you feel?? I understand how uncomfortable it would make you considering all that has happened to you in your past. And I can imagin that isn't the way you want to work on being comfortable with men. I hope you are able to bring this up with your therapist and possible work around the issues with group.

    I think you should build a pillow fort for you self if only for a day, I know it's hard but you still need to try and get out. Is your therapist aloud to leave the office with you?? Maybe you could start with small walks with her company and then go back and then go back to the office and talk about your feeling and what was going on for you???

    Please remember how brave and strong you are to have been and survived though all you have had to deal with, I know you probably don't see it that way yourself as you have all the after math to deal with and it males it so hard to see.

    I know how hard therapy and leaving the house but just try your best to keep pushing through. I wish you all the best and I will always be here for you if you need.
    Take care
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you all of you.

    Trust is very important to me... It's taken me this long to finally open up about my traumas... so yeah. I am really scared that this will ruin everything.

    Another thing... in school I used to stutter. It was brought on by bullying... It got so bad that I refused to speak for a year.
    But I took a lot of acting classes and actually got better. Sometimes you'd never have thought I used to stutter... (I had this weird stutter where I repeated entire words or sentences)... And now when I use English so much more than my native tongue I have a lot of shameful moments where I have to ask "What's the Danish word??"

    I have this thing where I need to be more than perfect... that's what I believe anyway... and tripping over, or forgetting words is not perfect.

    You'd think having a boyfriend who is recovering from aphasia would help... (I don't judge him for making mistakes, mind!). But yeah... I still prefer being perfect. And this perfectionism makes me even more nervous... so most times the words doesn't even form or I can physically feel them being strangled in my throat.
  6. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    @ThePhantomLady , I know you would prefer to be perfect, but no one is! It's impossible to be "perfect" but I can understand where you are coming from. I can also be very hard on myself and push myself to do everything right and if I don't then I get crushed. You deserve to love yourself for who you are and realize you are perfect in that way.

    I totally understand being uncomfortable around men. I have a lot of anxiety around them. I have 2 guy friends here who are close to me. They've never ever made a move on me or tried to do anything sneaky but sometimes I still get nervous being around them just because they're men. I always have to tell myself that not every man is bad. Some men have been through abuse as well. However, I do not think that your therapist tricking you into going to these meetings and telling you that there would be no men there is right. As stated above, I hope you can address these issues with her and tell her that that was not the best way to go about things. If you feel like she's pushing you too hard you should say something.

    Hang in there! We've got your back. ;)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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