Everything hurts

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SDG, May 3, 2015.

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  1. SDG

    SDG Member

    Hi

    My problems are trivial seeming, I know. And I have not been through half of what a lot of people on here have. Here's my long story:

    I dated a girl starting from my 3rd year of high school, until the summer after my freshman year of college, which was last year. We broke up in August. She was my first kiss, and we have each others' virginities. Over those 2 and a half years, we developed such a strong connection, but about halfway through the school year last year, I started feeling like I could do better, and decided I did not love her like I had said I did, which caused me to start being horrible to her. I was never there for her when she needed me, and I discounted her feelings completely, even when she was going through some of the toughest times she had ever been through. I didn't care for her at all, but she still was beyond amazing to me. I never deserved that. She was so great to me.

    I know I hurt her very badly, because I consistently emphasized the fact that I didn't need her, but I knew she needed me. I thought I was doing her a favor by staying with her. In August, she let me go. It was mutual. We were both emotional about it. But I got over it within the week, and started doing other things with my time. I haven't seen her since August, because I took this year off of school. But she recently got into a relationship with somebody more than five years older than her, and she told me about a month ago. This was when I guess I realized that it wasn't that she needed me. I needed her. I just coped by telling myself that she still was hung up on me, somehow.

    For the last month, I have been a complete wreck. I have probably not cried more in a single month since I was a baby, or something. I broke down to her in a series of texts, begging her to come back to me and let us start over. After a few of those, she told me not to talk to her for a month. That was about 2 weeks ago.

    Every time I'm alone, the pain just floods me, and I can't sleep, I can barely eat, I wake up every morning and I die a little more. The pain has been absolutely unbearable and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I've been driving alone lately and come so close to just closing my eyes, flooring it and letting go. All my friends are gone in school, and/or don't care. I reached out to one of my "friends" last week, only to be completely ignored. It hurts so much. All I do is tell myself that when I can finally talk to her again in 2 weeks, maybe she'll be broken up with the guy, and I'll be able to convince her to come back to me. That is what relieves it just a little. But even if that did happen, 2 weeks is too long to be totally alone. Everything is so dark. Please help me
     
  2. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello SDG,

    Your problems are just as important as others, everyone feels pain and sorrow, and there is no way to compare who is hurting more. We all deserve help and support :hug:

    You have to remember that you chose that you didn't want to be with her anymore, and constantly told her that. And it was only once you knew that she was in another relationship that you realised you wanted her back. I'm sorry you are hurting over this, it must be really tough, but I don't think it is fair to her if you keep asking her back while she is in a new relationship - It will only hurt you both more.

    I'm not sure what help I can offer but I really feel you should try to distance yourself from her as much as you can at the moment. It seems to be really hurting you and it may be best if you can have some space for a few weeks. Try not to think about it (as hard as that will be). Also, you always have the option of seeing a doctor as you are not sleeping or eating properly, I would think that they would offer support for this. Anyway, I'm sorry your friends are ignoring you, that is not fair. This forum will be here for you though, please keep us updated.
     
  3. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    As much as it hurts, I think you have to stop chasing after her with the mentality that "it's her or nobody else" which is how it seems you feel about her. Actions have consequences, and with how badly you treated her, she's probably very reluctant to trust you again. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I feel that it's the reality of the situation. Learn from this experience and never take your partner for granted again- I'm sure you won't make the same mistake twice. Give your ex some space; If she decides to talk to you again, that's great, but if not, I'd just let her be for a long time.

    There's more than one person you're compatible with, in fact there are tons of people out there who could have synergy with you. If your ex doesn't come back to you, it's not the end of the world.

    I'd like you to stop, calm down, and consider the consequences of suicide. First off, regardless of if you believe it or not, it will hurt your ex deeply. Once you care for someone, you can't simply delete those feelings. What about your family? Your parents, or siblings if you have any? what about the things you love in this world? It is very easy to forget about the things you love when you're experiencing depression. Your favourite people, food, tv show, hobbies, music- there's a lot of things that are very enjoyable in the world and it'd be a shame to leave early. What about your future? what if things start to look a lot better down the road? if you die, then you lose all chances of happiness, absolutely all chances. It's game over, it's the end, and if humans do retain consciousness after death, you will regret it in the afterlife. So many times, I've experienced something great and thought "I can't believe I almost killed myself that day". Seek out the beauty in life, accept the ugly parts of it, and remember that the more it hurts, the better it will feel when it all gets better.

    Just try to do what you can to take your mind off of things for now. Over time, your wounds will heal. Sure, there will be some permanent scarring, but it only makes you stronger- the more experiences you have, the wiser you will be. Don't let your mistakes consume you, let them shape you into a better person.

    Don't beat yourself up for what you've done, we're only human, we make mistakes.
    I wish the best for you, I hope you choose life, and I hope that the future only goes uphill.
    I am sorry if I caused you any pain, if I didn't help at all, but I'm just trying to do what I can to help you.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I know it is not easy to just move on like the advice you will be getting says , but perhaps if you consider carefully what you just wrote you can find a way to. Until she was in a relationship you had lost all interest and for along time you were no there for her emotional. You wee and still are treating her like a possession instead of a person, and the real issue is simply you don't want somebody to have something you think is "yours". Even if she were to come back within a few weeks odds are you would return to the same feelings as before because once she did then the "problem" causing you pain would be solved, she would be your possession again. There is not an answer that leaves you happy as having her devoted to you did not make you happy either (and was not in any way fair to her). Talking to somebody about what causes you to feel so possessive may help you figure out how to move on easier to prevent this pain from lasting as long (or repeating itself with somebody else).
     
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