Everything I can think of

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by flowerpot, Sep 9, 2010.

  1. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I haven't let it all out in a long time, it won't help anything but it might make me feel a bit better temporarily.

    Life annoys me. I mean really existence and life is an amazing thing when you think of what it is scientifically I suppose. But life as I experience it is nothing positive. Life should be enjoyable, yet for so many people it is complete crap. They way our species has developed and all the rules and expectations enforced have resulted in something disappointing. I think we all got it wrong. Everyone is beyond selfish without even realising it. Each year, in fact each week it gets worse. No one understands things the way they actually should. Well that's my opinion. But governments for example think they are being realistic, when they're only being pathetic. This however doesn't really matter, I can't change the direction our society rolls down the hill. It's not worth me dwelling on it too much.

    I hate me. I hate my life. I hate the way things happens. I hate the ways things are. I hate looking back at my past and knowing all the bad things that have happened. I hate now, still failing each day. I hate what life expects of me. I hate the way people make me feel. I hate my obligations. I hate having responsibility. I hate the way I am terrible at absolutely everything.

    I am useless. I know that. I am at the point where I just don't care. I have tried and tried. Maybe my attempts are feeble and I should try harder, keep trying blah blah but I don't want to. I am exhausted. I can't do anything productive. I need time out, maybe I'll get better and will work again but for now I'm over. I would love to die. Honestly, it is such a perfect solution to everything. I'm so tired, I'm so bored or life. From time to time I think I truly hope something will happen that will give me the motivation to actually die. Not to consider it, not to want it so much, not to hope for it, to just go out and actually end myself. Generally I won't, I don't think. I want too often, but I probably couldn't, I'm not strong enough. Yet I can't stand living a whole life of this. I'll happily let my existence drag on but I can't do it in this mind. Every day is such a struggle and I'm amazed looking back and seeing how much has already passed, but even then there is so much more to come, and now that I'm getting older I sense it will only get worse. More lonely, more boring, more unsatisfying. I don't want to live a whole life of nothing but failure. I haven't achieved anything so far. I have no idea what to do. I don't think I can mentally deal with anything good.

    That leads to something else. Sometimes I try, or at least in my opinion. But it is as if everything is completely against me. It's been like this for as long as I remember. When I try to be positive, the negative that's out of my control comes to ruin the day. All my efforts are wasted. I don't want to do it anymore. I give up and give in. I accept life is dreadful.

    I exclude myself from everything, it's almost as if it's a natural reflex. This is hardly normal for people my age. I don't have many friends, sometimes I make friends but eventually we don't talk anymore. Now, lately, I have almost none. I must be lonely. I have nothing. There is no one who knows anything about me. No one asks about my day, no one knows what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm up too. No one looks at me and knows that nothing is ever okay. No one thinks of me. I've also accepted this a while ago, I'm just some invisible being almost. But it's still hard. I don't experience anything happy. Then there is just the sadness, or anger, or hate, or lostlessness. I have nothing to contrast it too. I don't really see any but's when it comes to ending my life. There isn't any reason not too.

    I let down my parents, constantly. They don't ask of much. But I'm pathetic and it ruins everything. I want this year to end so that I'm hardly their responsibility anymore. My education is pretty bad. My attendance is awful. I have no motivation. I have or had the potential to do well, I always want too. But when it comes to trying I fail. I give up. There's is nothing to motivate me, or inspire me, or guide me. Any time I do well in school, it means nothing.

    I feel discriminated at school in ways. Not badly. It doesn't really bother me the way the teachers act as if I'm not there. I'm glad they don't ask me to speak or anything really. But still that they do it with no prompts too. I guess I am bitter, so I exaggerate things. I also feel discriminated at home. My Mother takes everything out on me. I can hardly enter a room without some form of abuse. We sort of get along at times too. I suppose because I am such a lonesome person I spend time with her. It's not her fault, her life is harsh. It's just that I have to deal with all her abuse. At work too, I am meant to be part time, yet haven't received shifts in months. This is definitely discrimination. I'm so tired of trying and getting no where though that I can't be bothered doing anything about it, after so many years and this job and always being treated poorly, you just can't win. But either I'm not as 'pretty' or likeable as the other employees, because I've worked their longer maybe, or else because I'm maybe a year older which means they have to pay just the tiniest fraction more which is completely stupid, I'm treated like nothing. I don't expect them too but it's funny the way these people never stop to think of other people, me, for example. No one stops to care about how I feel. You know I feel as if they all must unconsciously think of me a sponge who can just absorb all their shit with no problems. My family, my school, my work, my friends, everyone.

    I am so unhappy. I have been in general, always. Sometimes it's easier to deal with, sometimes I'm so busy that there are distractions I guess. But now, I'm lonely, I'm miserable, I'm lost, I'm failing, I have no direction, and I'm feeling it all. Now is the time where I'm meant to be making decisions about the future. But there is nothing I really want. I know this is supposedly common but I think most people at least have a hobby, or something they enjoy or life which gives them a little bit of a hint. I don't want anything. I hardly like anything. I can't go further on to study something where I'll be so bored because I know I'll give up. That's why I've tried looking for jobs. But there's nothing tempting. I'm apathetic to it all. So I don't know where I'm heading. I'm tired. I'm not ready, but I am so bored of life. I have no idea how I make it through days or minutes.

    Well, I think that is all for now. Thank you for letting me express myself. I've had no one to talk to in a while. Even if no one cares. It's better than nothing.
     
  2. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    You sound like you have a very low self esteem. I hope you can feel better about yourself eventually, and find ways to help yourself.